Sunday, April 26, 2009

pee and you

you know, i didn't wake up until nearly 6 this morning. got dressed in a whirl wind. didn't even get a chance to bathe. i walked in and clocked on and passed one of our dock guys who sniffed me real big "mmm, you comin in here smellin' all good. I got to smell you first this mornin. you remember that."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

jack daniels black jack cola *burp*

bah. chill out. it's fake. i'm actually bidding on this on ebay. sssshhhh. don't tell anyone. i have porn issues and i'm doing what i can. don't judge me for the steps i have to take to become a normal masturbator who can do it to blue eyed blondes with big tits being fucked by older beerbellied white guys going bald.fuck me for trying to be different.

i seriously thought about calling in with a terrible stomach virus and driving out to houston tonight. i figure as sick as i am, it's bound to last two days, right?? THEN i realized that i'm drunk and probably not make it out of shreveport before slamming my car into someone else's car and well, i think we all know what happens then. DEAD KITTENS EVERYWHERE!!! that's what. motherfucker, it's hot in here. lemme go get a tank top. hang on...........................

burp and return: i just had to run my hand through a fountain of back sweat to get my bra off. yick. you know, you often have this internal picture of yourself. as far as i'm concerned i look like THIS all the time. you can say what you want, but i am fucking amazingly hot in this picture and that's all there is to that. i fucking touch my self at the thought of it. but then you have times when you're piss drunk at 2:59 in the am and you go to the bathroom to change shirts, run your hand through a fountain of back sweat, catch a frightening look at yourself in the mirror, and realize you look like THIS. that may be slightly exaggerated. and you think to yourself. there's some poor man sleeping peacefully in texas who has to look at that face up close and in person on a semi-regular basis. does it pain him?? the roller coaster track of acne scars that are my cheeks?? those tiny boobalies on that massive chest frame?? the.............hmm. i guess right now i'm just being self conscious about my skin, breasts, and weight. alright, alright, alright. ummmmm. make up, push up bra, clothes, sex in the dark, and continuing on this KICK ass diet i've been on. self consciousness over with. bam. done. gone. seriously. it's just that easy when i'm drinking. BECAUSE although i maybe an acne ridden, small chested, fatty with a dimply ass and the propensity for saddle bags. i have what i have and i am what i am. and hopefully you'll love me enough to take that and run with it and realize there's not much hiding from that. even for me. i'm stuck here, too. you know??

switching to jack daniels wild berry jack. moving right along:

BUT. did i tell you that i've recently pretended to become a vegetarian?? i know i did. assuming i did, i've done great on my little diet thing. my lunch today including RANCH GOD DAMNED DRESSING was only 178 calories. i've done this for about a week now. houston trip excluded, i've tried to cut out any meats that i could. any sugars. and i've bought tortillas instead of bread to house my little veggie concoctions. i FEEL different. i don't know if i've actually "lost" any weight because our scales at work are broken and the folklifts (hah, 'cause they lift folks like ME{and katie}) only weigh in five mile an hour increments. so, i still show weighing 150 pounds even though i know i don't weigh that much. but regardless of actual poundage lost, the way i Feel is more important for the time being. i'd much rather be skinny and hot, but pooping on a regular basis and feeling slightly more revitalized will do for now. oh, god, did i just say poop in a personal way?? ooh hoo hoo, is jane gonna be embarrassed about that the next time she reads this. but serously, folks, i poop a ton since i've been on this all veggie diet. enjoy THAT thought. slowly slipping out of the grip of colon cancer. allllll riiiiiight. my brother died from that, you know?? you see, weren't very close so i can say that calmly. did you notice?? AND all of my mom's kids from her first marriage had to go to have colonoscopies done and EVERYbody had polyps in their colons. i feel like i should go to the doctor for this one day. OR just eat a lot of lettuce and broccoli. that's the plan i'm going with for now. the god of bowelbabies will solve all my problems and heal all my pain.


i seriously gotta go sober up before work. YEEP. hope my sweat doesn't smell like alcohol later. that would just be embarrassing. i have this problem when i drink. i have one and i can't stop. luckily, i only had a couple left in my fridge and my vodka somehow wound up in houston. so, now i'm just in the "can't quite think straight, horny as fuck, wanna break something" stage of drunkenness. i've ALSO noticed that on this diet i can get drunk WAY easier. i guess with eating veggies, you never really keep anything substantial in your stomach to store the alcohol and help you digest it more slowly. it's sort of like drinking on a empty stomach. holy shit. i haven't eaten in like 10 houts. i AM drinking on an empty stomach. THAT explains it.

i'm gonna go eat. leave a comment people. they have an annonymous thing down there for a reason. damn. rod?? mark?? william?? steve?? bill?? pheobus?? octavious?? caligula?? sabastian?? anybody??

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

la cucaracha

i often find myself these days awake at 2 am. i've been napping when i first get home from work, waking up at midnight then returning to sleep around 4. not having any side affects or anything just wondering how long it can last. i finally got off my lazy ass a minute ago and decided to "do" something. OOH, perhaps clean out the litter boxes that are harboring the fumes that are constantly burning away my nose hairs with it's ammonia filled glory. well, i got one done. figured that bag would tear if i put the other in there with it. opened the front door and a roach fell from outside and hit me. scared the FUCK out of me. so, i screamed, dropped my bag of kitty litter, and slammed my arm against the door frame. i tried taking a real picture of my real arm, but it was so much less impressive(much less.........should it just be less. hmm) than the picture i found. although, i have several flaps of skin about to fall off my now disfigured limb.the camera on my phone takes shitty pictures so, you'll have to deal with this non jane alternative.

so, NOW, i have a painful forearm, a steaming bag of cat shit on my front steps, and i'm afraid to leave for work in the morning. what to do, what to do.

damn roach.

i wish i was special, you're so fucking special

this picture makes me sad inside that i never thought to do this before. :: sigh :: maybe the next time i live with a man i hate. there's Always next time. well, unless i don't find a substantial man to be hated before i hit menopause. here goes hopin'.

i finally got up early enough this morning to "do" something and nothing's coming to mind. not in the mood for cleaning or cooking. so, bam. YOU will have my undivided attention for the next 6 to 7 minutes. you're welcome.

i DID however decide to dry clothes this morning. otherwise, i would have none. when i went to houston this past weekend, good byes were said and then the cloud 9 that carried me home, carried me that way empty handed. POOP. all of my luggage is tucked safely away inside the trunk of a man who lives a million miles away. i use a million for two reasons: #1) to signify how far away from me he feels most of the time and #2)i don't have a CLUE how far away houston is from here. 400?? 600?? beats me.

i'm drying clothes this morning because like i said, i left all mine in houston, AND yesterday some of the neighborhood kids came over and i sat outside with them for a few minutes. the 3 year old of the bunch demanded water so i went inside to get him some. when i returned, the older children had gone and left me with this little thing. what was i to do with him?? after feeding him the aforementioned water. i decided to give him a piggy back ride back to his house rather than let him continue to wander the trailer park. i figure, living in a trailer park, we HAVE to have at least one serial killer/child molester living here. up on my back he goes. the two sides of the trailer park are separated by a thin ditch. when it rains it wills with water. shocking truth, but just accept it for now so we can move on with the story. i walked him over there and there was a little water in it. i looked around until i found a dry spot in the middle. "JACKPOT!!" jane thinks to herself. i stepped on it ever so delicately and kerplunked two feet under this sewagelike mud/sludge and much to my surprise yelled out "son of a bitch!!" with a small child on my back. i figured i was already there so i went for it full force with my other foot. sooo, i had to wash clothes once i got back inside. it sounds like i'm drying severed heads in there. my shoes keep kicking the dryer door open. i'm so afraid they won't be done drying before i have to leave for work. which will be in about 7 minutes. i gotta go try to find some more shoes......

Monday, April 20, 2009

just eat it, eat it, open up your mouth and feed it.

here we are. nearing the last days of being able to forgo dish washing. i think i've officially exhausted every dish i own. i'm now down to measuring cups and industrial spoons. why not just put that carrying container this food obviously came in into the microwave, you ask?? that would make sense, would it not?? well, ladies and gentlemen, i am currently without a radiation box and am having to cook on the stove and in the oven to attain the sustenance i need. impossible, you say?? jane?? cooking?? what a laugh. for starters, fuck you. secondly, as heartbroken as i was at first that my beautiful little microwave was no more, i've gotten pretty used to the idea. all of my hot meals have been prepared naturally this past week and i think i like it. luckily, i've been crawling with an inexplicable domestic feeling here lately, so this couldn't have come at a better time, i suppose. i've been putting together food in a way that I'D like to call cooking. nothing spectacular so far. like i bought some tortillas and pepperoni and made little pizza quesadillas a couple weeks ago. those were fucking dericious. tortillas, pepperoni, cheese, and tomato paste. bam. done. very, very easy. and of course, let's not forget the smothering of the sour cream. i also made a mexican casserole for easter to bring to my mom and dad's house. everything was great except the recipe called for picante sauce and you could taste all the little chucks of onions and things. i can't handle that. so, i swallowed my portion whole and left the rest at my parents. think the next time i make it, i'll just use a mild taco sauce. surely it'll have the same affect. by that i mean just the basic taste, not the texture of crunching into the yucky bits.

btw, i tried to find the link i used, but i can't so here we go. feel free to skip to the next part:
crushed doritos
browned ground meat(i added a can of cheddar cheese soup while doing this. fucking dericious is what that turned out to be)
sour cream
taco sauce(or picante sauce if you just WANT to be nasty)
and shredded cheese
you layer these items until you get to the top and bake at 350 until the cheese on top turns bubbly
then you add your shredded lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, etc
it really turned out quite nice

all my other food has been weird vegetable wraps and things of the like. like i said, nothing spectacular, but i'm at least slightly past the only pizza and macaroni and cheese stage. j/k, i haven't eaten mac and chee since i moved out of my place before last. though i've still remained quite partial to pizza.i've actually been thinking of making a homemade pizza this weekend. course i dont know how to make dough, so i'll have to buy that. but i think i can manage everything else. tomato on wheat, perhaps?? who knows?? any suggestions??

ah, hell. who am i kidding?? nobody comments on this site anymore. in that case, keep your damn opinions to yourself!! i'll cook what i want then tell you about it later.

you can deal.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

good morning killer king, you're a STAR!!

i went to subway last night after going to block buster. i got a wheat bread sammach with lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese, and mustard. then i realized, that's literally the EXACT thing i had for lunch yesterday at my house. only now, i've paid a stranger 4 dollars to fix it for me. i basically paid 4 dollars for a bag of cheetos.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

my life as a vegetarian

so far in my pathetic attempt at a vegetarian quest:

monday for lunch i had left over pepperoni pizza and cheese sticks. for lunch a salad with roman dressing. wait. i mean russian dressing. salad with russian dressing. then for supper i had the Rest of the pepperoni pizza and cheese sticks. there, poison consumed and out of my refrigerator!! bam. gone. done.

today for breakfast, i had a lean cuisine with pasta, chicken, and vegetables. two cheese and veggie sammaches for lunch, and was given a free cheeseburger(to be thrown away) from sonic which i ate for supper. then some raisin bran. it's a slow cleansing process. that's it.

i realized also that i still have nearly an entire packet of bacon in my fridge. and if there's one thing worse than animals being killed for consumption, it's allowing those animals to be killed for consumption in vain and having their bodies tossed out like garbage.

:: sigh ::

i disappoint myself on a daily basis so badly. i may as well go tear a live rabbit apart with my bare teeth and drink his blood over a pentagram made of ashes of the desecrated graves of indians.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

chicken chicken bo bicken banana fanna fo ficken me mi mo micken


for the record, this video is Very graphic.

this can't be healthy to consume. seriously. you know that's where salmonella comes from?? bacteria produced by stressed out birds during egg laying . god, i really wish i were vegan. i tried going vegan/vegetarian a while back. i'm not sure what happened. i'm guessing i watched a couple animal cruelty videos and got all pumped up about doing the noble thing, then trailed back off into the oh so seductive mcdonalds trap. actually, i've come to loathe mcdonalds, but i've definitely fallen into the chick fil a and wendy's trap. at the amanda palmer concert we went to a couple weeks ago, she mentioned that she was a vegan. she has a personal "motto" that she lives by: you shouldn't eat anything you wouldn't personally kill yourself. i've heard this before and this makes perfect sense to me. i'd like to be that person. not the hypocritical meat obsessed puss who types before you. i know how this probably comes across and i know it's annoying to read. as much as i can dig anti animal cruelty propaganda all day long, i still can't stand to listen to the overzealous activists that insist you do exactly as they do because YOU are a terrible, ignorant, closed minded person. the same with overzealous christians, i suppose. there are few things more precious in the world than a true christian who loves and accepts everyone for who they are and lives by way of Showing kindness and generosity. i know because i've known some. very, Very few. as opposed to the zealot who wants to scream hellfire and damnation to your soul because you touch alcohol or fornicate or heaven forbid say a fucking curse word here and there. ehh. i think i'm trailing, but hopefully you see my point. how did i get off on christians?? christians just seem to get a bad rap alot of times just because of a few over judgemental haters over the years, when true christianity is based on love and acceptance. jesus was, after all, the ultimate hippie you know. regardless, the next time i eat processed meat, i suppose i should ask myself "what would hippie jew jesus do??" then go for the fish.

or perhaps the crustaceans, because i've heard their nervous systems are not designed the same way ours is and they somehow do not have the ability to feel pain. hold please..........................................well. now i just feel like a starving jackass. apparently they DO feel pain. and also, apparently die rather horribly.


Thursday, April 09, 2009

good morning baltimore

it's nearly 5 am and i'd like to sit and write a more substantial post, let's see....... did i tell you that all pets in our trailer park have to be inside?? surely i did. do you know how much poop four healthy adult cats can produce in a single day?? a fucking LOT. that's how much. i feel like i've complained about this multiple times, but seriously, the amount of poopage these feline's produce cannot be over exaggerated. it's just SO MUCH. bleigh. i mention this because i just spent the last 15 minutes cleaning my hallway, which is where i keep the litter boxes. we gotta cut down numbers round here. need a cat or 3?? when you change your mind, you know where to come.......

alright. gotta go get ready for work so i can pretend to be on time for a change. hahaha. yeah, THAT's totally gonna happen.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

stephanie is a peckerhead!!

went to spencer's the other day to find a thing or two. i did not find what i was looking for, but i found a nice alternative. hopefully, it'll do. while there, we, of course, went through the adult novelty section. cause lord knows i love me some adult novelties. even though most scare the shit out of me. i'm venturing off the subject. muh bad. we found a bunch of really cute accessories, one of which, being this little beauty. the head band with bobbly penises attached. need me one of them. maybe when i finally sucker a man into signing his life away to me, someone will buy me one for my bachelorette party. actually, i'm only kidding. i'm much rather have the wedding veil with the little penises hanging all over it. one can only hope.

:: fingers crossed ::

Monday, April 06, 2009

i'm only here to amuse myself : )

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

not that the white gravy is in any way superior; it's just what i'm in the mood for

just because i feel like being wildly offensive today. honestly, though, didn't your soul just giggle a little?? that shady part right behind that wall of racial tolerance?? come on, you know it did. it's a cute picture. look, its got puppies!!

so, today is april fools day. wahoo and the like. i had planned today on coming home and writing this big elaborate post about all the crazy things that happened to me today from being sneakily robbed at the gas station this morning by that smoking guy in the orange shirt to finally taking that pregnancy test for being vaguely sick this past month and it coming up positive and how to break it to the daddy. then after posting my wonderfully well written novella, i'd go down to the bottom and post via comment "APRIL FOOLS!!" and then you would all sigh a sigh of relief, then laugh hysterically at my amazing talent for spinning yarn and i would from here on out be known simply as "The Yarn Spinner". but i think i'm just gonna tell you how my day Really went instead. IN GRAPHIC DETAIL!!! seriously. this'll prolly be a long read. may wanna grab a cup o'joe. or coffee. your choice.

i was awakened at 4 am by the most annoying thing on earth: a hotel phone. who wants to be forcibly awakened in a hotel by anything other than a non vocal mouth?? am i right?? you don't have to answer that, i already know that i am. i awoke to that, then went IMMEDIATELY back to sleep and 9 minutes later my alarm on my phone starts going off. this sounds like a mini door bell. it may annoy me almost as much as the first noise. SNOOZE GOSH DAMNIT!! i repeat this process for the next 27 minutes. i then scooooooooooooot over 12 1/2 feet to the man who's supposed to be laying next to me to ask if he is angry with me in any way since he's apparently trying to sleep as far away from my horrible self as humanly possible. he grunts me a very sweet "no, baby" and conks back out. i crawl out from under the body temperature covers to step into what i can only compare to an alaskan plain. i shivered all the way to the bathroom and put my delicate tender buttocks on the ice circle that contained frozen blue water and prayed to the gods of almighty bladder that my pee hole had not frozen shut in the time it took me to get there. fortunately, it had not. praise be to the gods!! praise, praise. i slapped on the jeans/socks/underwear/everything i wore the day before and hunted desperately for the little black tee i'd brought for today. hooo, too aggravating a story to even tell. now, generally speaking, i'm not normally too angry first thing in the morning, but i've had a grand total of like 8 hours of sleep in the past two days and i was a bit hung over. i stuck a piece of frozen pizza in the microwave and rushed myself out the door. (room key in my pocket)

i get on the road and realize i have to get gas before i get to work because i'm nearly on empty and i still have 86 miles to go. that's no good. luckily i am able to make it all the way to arcadia before i have to stop. um. nothing at all happens here. i got gas and got back on the interstate. i arrived to work 9 minutes late. fuck yeah!! this equals On Time for me.

i bob my head for about 30 minutes before i realize i need to start chugging coffee soon or somebody will be scooping my unconscious body off the floor. TWO whole cups later, i hear a jackson driver say "hooo, i don't want a piece of that. that's a big ole bitch." what the fuck?? are the drivers making fat jokes about me now?? 'cause i'll kick some shins in a heart beat. i mean, like nobody ain't never SEEN shins bein' kicked. just about that time a dog tail went streaking past the dock window. i scream "OOOH!!" and nearly fall out of my chair trying to make it outside. after getting there, i see a HUGE white and tan pitbull. i nearly pee on myself trying to get to her as she runs inside one of our holding trailers. i made kissy noises and she came flopping her happy self over to me and licked and wiggled all over me, then ran out onto the dock in the midst of a barrage of oncoming forklifts. one of our guys said they thought she came from across the street at an oil company. i called and as it turns out, she's owned by one the oil workers there who brings her to work on occassion. with play time over, i return to my desk unable to sit still without bouncing my legs and my hands shaking violently. was i that afraid/excited by the whole pit ordeal?? surely not. AH!! the coffee!! my hands continue to shake violently for the next two hours.

i go home for lunch and piddle. forgetting i promised to bring my supervisor lunch from wendy's. when i get nearly back to work i realize this and have now lost ANOTHER 30 minutes. riveting stuff, i know. read on!!

when i return from lunch, i hear that our co worker has called in yet again. she was out friday for a camping excursion. monday, a sore throat. tuesday, a cough complete w/doctor's excuse through wednesday. today?? she calls in because they found a lymph node growing inside a lung. not just any lung, mind you, but HER lung. she cries hysterically. they have done x-rays and are waiting on the test results. terrible and frightening news. now, before i proceed, i googled this and it can be caused by a variety of infections. namely bronchitis. (please don't google this yourself, i only very, VERY vaguely searched. just believe me and move on.) she called BACK to say she would not return to work until monday because has a doctor's excuse stating that she is TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK. for those of you who may have missed this the first time, i repeat "TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK". the treatment?? antibiotics and four days of uninterrupted CAMPING. she's going camping because she is too upset to work. now, i am going to say this only because every story in the entire world is somehow related to me, but i've had TWO biopsies in the past year because i thought #1) i may have breast cancer and #2) i may have cervical cancer. i cried my eyes out. alot. terrified. BUT my terror, no matter how hard i try, refuses to pay my bills for me. i've asked, but he keeps on sayin' no. can you do that?? can you call in emotional and TELL your boss you're going camping for the next four days?? we were all too flabbergasted to allow work to continue that day.

i'm sleepy and have run out of words. just you thank your lucky stars and back away peacefully. perhaps tomorrow you can hear of my brand new thousand dollar engine displaying the bright, beautiful, and ever whimsical "check engine light".

oooh, fingers crossed!!