Thursday, April 23, 2009

jack daniels black jack cola *burp*

bah. chill out. it's fake. i'm actually bidding on this on ebay. sssshhhh. don't tell anyone. i have porn issues and i'm doing what i can. don't judge me for the steps i have to take to become a normal masturbator who can do it to blue eyed blondes with big tits being fucked by older beerbellied white guys going bald.fuck me for trying to be different.

i seriously thought about calling in with a terrible stomach virus and driving out to houston tonight. i figure as sick as i am, it's bound to last two days, right?? THEN i realized that i'm drunk and probably not make it out of shreveport before slamming my car into someone else's car and well, i think we all know what happens then. DEAD KITTENS EVERYWHERE!!! that's what. motherfucker, it's hot in here. lemme go get a tank top. hang on...........................

burp and return: i just had to run my hand through a fountain of back sweat to get my bra off. yick. you know, you often have this internal picture of yourself. as far as i'm concerned i look like THIS all the time. you can say what you want, but i am fucking amazingly hot in this picture and that's all there is to that. i fucking touch my self at the thought of it. but then you have times when you're piss drunk at 2:59 in the am and you go to the bathroom to change shirts, run your hand through a fountain of back sweat, catch a frightening look at yourself in the mirror, and realize you look like THIS. that may be slightly exaggerated. and you think to yourself. there's some poor man sleeping peacefully in texas who has to look at that face up close and in person on a semi-regular basis. does it pain him?? the roller coaster track of acne scars that are my cheeks?? those tiny boobalies on that massive chest frame?? the.............hmm. i guess right now i'm just being self conscious about my skin, breasts, and weight. alright, alright, alright. ummmmm. make up, push up bra, clothes, sex in the dark, and continuing on this KICK ass diet i've been on. self consciousness over with. bam. done. gone. seriously. it's just that easy when i'm drinking. BECAUSE although i maybe an acne ridden, small chested, fatty with a dimply ass and the propensity for saddle bags. i have what i have and i am what i am. and hopefully you'll love me enough to take that and run with it and realize there's not much hiding from that. even for me. i'm stuck here, too. you know??

switching to jack daniels wild berry jack. moving right along:

BUT. did i tell you that i've recently pretended to become a vegetarian?? i know i did. assuming i did, i've done great on my little diet thing. my lunch today including RANCH GOD DAMNED DRESSING was only 178 calories. i've done this for about a week now. houston trip excluded, i've tried to cut out any meats that i could. any sugars. and i've bought tortillas instead of bread to house my little veggie concoctions. i FEEL different. i don't know if i've actually "lost" any weight because our scales at work are broken and the folklifts (hah, 'cause they lift folks like ME{and katie}) only weigh in five mile an hour increments. so, i still show weighing 150 pounds even though i know i don't weigh that much. but regardless of actual poundage lost, the way i Feel is more important for the time being. i'd much rather be skinny and hot, but pooping on a regular basis and feeling slightly more revitalized will do for now. oh, god, did i just say poop in a personal way?? ooh hoo hoo, is jane gonna be embarrassed about that the next time she reads this. but serously, folks, i poop a ton since i've been on this all veggie diet. enjoy THAT thought. slowly slipping out of the grip of colon cancer. allllll riiiiiight. my brother died from that, you know?? you see, weren't very close so i can say that calmly. did you notice?? AND all of my mom's kids from her first marriage had to go to have colonoscopies done and EVERYbody had polyps in their colons. i feel like i should go to the doctor for this one day. OR just eat a lot of lettuce and broccoli. that's the plan i'm going with for now. the god of bowelbabies will solve all my problems and heal all my pain.


i seriously gotta go sober up before work. YEEP. hope my sweat doesn't smell like alcohol later. that would just be embarrassing. i have this problem when i drink. i have one and i can't stop. luckily, i only had a couple left in my fridge and my vodka somehow wound up in houston. so, now i'm just in the "can't quite think straight, horny as fuck, wanna break something" stage of drunkenness. i've ALSO noticed that on this diet i can get drunk WAY easier. i guess with eating veggies, you never really keep anything substantial in your stomach to store the alcohol and help you digest it more slowly. it's sort of like drinking on a empty stomach. holy shit. i haven't eaten in like 10 houts. i AM drinking on an empty stomach. THAT explains it.

i'm gonna go eat. leave a comment people. they have an annonymous thing down there for a reason. damn. rod?? mark?? william?? steve?? bill?? pheobus?? octavious?? caligula?? sabastian?? anybody??


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