Saturday, May 15, 2010

wellbutrin withdrawals

wednesday night, after a particularly anger inducing day at work, i got a MASSIVE headache. it started, as usual, in my right sinus, moving it's way through my upper right teeth, up behind my right eye, and coming painfully to rest in the top of my right temple. it was a migraine among migraines. a migraine to be remembered. it was so intense i lost my sense of self and just retreated into my brain, confused, and blindly following an invisible red/orange path of blinding pain as it ran through the synapses of my innermost brain. it hurt so, soooo badly. i laid there and politely tried not to beg for death, for to do so would be rude and disrespectful. the next day i woke up to (almost literally) blinding pain. i got dressed, wasted the appropriate amount of face paint, drove about a half a mile to work, and called in sick. i fumbled back up stairs, snatched off my pants/shoes with a quickness, and promptly went back to sleep. i woke up periodically to pee and stagger back to bed and prayed for sleep before my eyeballs started bleeding. i finally woke up around noon and shuffled in a very Igoresque fashion over to the computer and finally scheduled an appointment with a headache specialist in houston. i spent the rest of the day slowly meandering around the apartment and trying not to move my eyes too quickly and avoiding vomiting. friday morning i woke up and headed to work. generally speaking, i have BAD issues with anxiety and general fear of everyone and everything i come in contact with on a day to day basis. i felt nothing. literally nothing. a slight sense of confusion and an overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility. i was not afraid driving in downtown traffic. i was not afraid to walk through the parking lot at work. i was not afraid walking in front of the trucks waiting to leave. i was not afraid to say good morning to tamalia at the front desk. i didn't get sick or excited when i opened my email. one of the girls came up to me in a panic and told me she hated it here because everyone is bitches (everyone Are bitches? everyone is a bitch? hmm.) and i said "no, no...what's wrong?" all i could think was "dude, i am NOT the person you wanna have this conversation with right now." she's awesome, and the only person at work i relate to, so i definitely don't want my new email buddy to leave, but i just couldn't grasp the concept of hating your job. or hating anything. or loving, for the past 3 days, i've been living in a world of otherworldly awkwardness and confusion. the only thing that's been on my mind has been the ever present threat of death. not in a fearful manner, just an aware manner. i'd finally convinced myself i actually did have a stroke and this is what the aftermath is going to be like. another 30 years of confusion and frustration. rodney and i were talking about it tonight because i finally got the balls to mention it. he said "so, when's the last time you took your wellbutrin?" i haven't taken it since the first day i had my migraine because i felt so nauseous, i didn't wanna put ANYTHING in my stomach. after a good scoffing and a bit of internet research, turns out you can't quit wellbutrin cold turkey and you have to ween yourself off. otherwise, you could face some debilitating side effects. see here. the lists includes, but is not limited to: Anxiety Dizziness Fatigue Vertigo Gait disturbances Visual hallucinations Headache Nausea Diarrhea Blurred vision Sweating Fever Abdominal discomfort Nightmares Vivid dreams general malaise Anorexia, Confusion Memory and concentration difficulties Chills and hot flashes Suicidal thoughts Lethargy Weakness so, yeah. perhaps i'm not dying after all. i hurt too badly the first day and didn't wanna take it, the second day i felt too calm to need it and today i've spent the majority of it unconscious and having some bad ASS dreams. not nightmares, but beyond vivid. i think i was physically transported to another fully conscious physical realm for a few hours. hoooo. after this talk, i restarted my medication and we'll see if i'm not back to being a normal person tomorrow....proverbial fingers crossed!!