Wednesday, July 22, 2009

i see your hiney, so nice and shiney!!!



heaven forbid, indeed. instead, here's a nifty little site dedicated to nothing but foods to which you would apply such a dressing. the dressing of YOUR choice. the dressing that YOU are not to lazy to walk into your kitchen and look at. :( wish i was that ambitious.

i like: this
aaaaaaand this
aaaaaaaand this
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this

and that's all i have the energy for.

except for maybe this.

lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil

as it turns out, i am apparently NOT responsible enough to handle the responsibility of going out drinking without a chapperone. :: sigh :: now, this picture is of course, NOT me, but i would never take a picture like this of myself. that'd just be silly. and embarrassing. i tried taking a picture of myself the following day, but it kept coming out blurry. couldn't keep my hand still long enough i guess.

stephanie and i got all gussied up and went out saturday night to the warehouse in down town shreveport. dirtfoot played. good band, btw. how often do you get to see a banjo, sax, and stand up bass in a hard rock club?? seriously?? we went. bought our first drink downstairs. kinda bland. meh. we proceeded to move UPstairs and meet a little girl who was working her first night at a bar all by herself!! congrats, girl whose name i do not remember!! thanks for the alcohol poisoning!! anywho, so i got stephaho to buy my drink and she said she filled it nearly to the ceiling with vodka, then sprinkled the top with a dash of orange juice. tasted like POOP, but being the borderline alcoholic i am, i drank it anyway. rather quickly. whew. heads kinda spinnin a bit. meh. on to drink NUMBER 3!! made the same way, i assume. by this time my tongue had already gone numb. time warped by rather quickly from this point. eventually, i realized i had to pee, because i hadn't done so in the hours we'd been there. wandered into the ladies room where my body thrust me onto the counter and slammed my head into the mirror and i.........guess.........fell asleep. shortly thereafter, a nice little girl named casey woke me by playing with my hair and telling me how much she enjoyed seeing girls enjoy themselves. cute little bugger. short, multiple tank tops and bracelets, a beret, and little black glasses like mine. she bought me some water and then wouldn't allow me to pay her back for it. long lost lesbian love?? perhaps. she helped me off the counter, i went and found the steph, and we started wandering to club latino. on our way there, we met a nice man named tyreeeeeeeeee, who claimed to be a woman but with a dildo in his pants <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i told him i was a lesbian and never liked any penis i ever got and tried to walk away with an "ooh, yucky" look on my face. my counter part stopped to giggle and hug. i kept walking praying at the very least, if i WERE going to be raped, i'd at least be able to pee and take my tampon out first. oh, please, lord, please!! we managed to make our way unscathed to the bar. ran STRAIGHT to the bathroom, peed and removed previously mentioned tampon, and commenced with the destruction of their toilet. vomit reigned supreme!! i'll spare the next hour's worth of details. in short, "boohoo!! fuck off!! boohoo!! but i don't wanna eat the cilantro and onion laden taco!! you can't make me!! is that taco on this toilet seat?? was that mine?? barf!! and boohoo!!" i then found stephanie in the stall next to me in the position featured above. nice, right?? looked around and the manager and a friend were in the stall with us screaming we had to get out NOW because the paramedics were on their way and basically, she wasn't dying in his bar. we got her up and tried to walk out, but the floor was too slick. what's that?? MY vomit all over the floor?? luckily, she was drunk enough that no one had seen me paint it that way. i couldn't get my balance, so the manager/goonie placed his hands on my ass and shoved me forward sliding through the muck. oh, yeah. it's EXACTLY as sexy as it sounds.

superman called me a cab was called. we were dropped at the house. we blasted through the front door just in time to vomit once more. and by once, i mean many, many, MANY dozens more times.

sunday was, simply put, bad.

how was YOUR weekend??

Saturday, July 18, 2009

he's not afraid to drown. no, my baby's not afraid to go down


10:39 on a saturday night. sleepy as hell and about to go out drinking with a female ONLY for the first time since....pppshhh....what?? november?? october, maybe?? feeling strangely anxious about going. partially anxious in an "ooh, yay" kind of way, but partially in an "anxiety ridden" kind of anxious way. why?? not sure. i'm not on like a man hunt or anything. guess i'm just not used to being left alone on my own anymore. will i be able to handle the responsibility?? CAN i remember to not drink too much and drive myself home properly?? OR will i be able to score a safe parking lot in which to pass out?? CAN i only spend the 20 bucks i have in my pocket AND resist the urge to steal strange men's wallets?? CAN i remember that i'm not as skinny as i used to be and not EVERYbody wants to see/touch my tummy?? CAN i remember that a boobie grope is NOT an appropriate way to score free drinks?? why is that?? once you get drunk they're pretty much numb anyway. meh. things are as they are, i suppose. boobies: officially OFF LIMITS. so, yeah. jane's first night out as a big girl in 8 months.

wish me luck!!!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

But I Guess You'll Never Know

at least not really anyway.

i was running earlier today and pulled a muscle in the back of my shoulder blade. is that even possible?? from running on your LEGS, NOT your arms??

i've decided to clean out my bookmarks a little, so i'm here to share with you these links. enjoy. or don't you self loathing bastard, and find your own god damned links. here we go:

Never Know
is how i feel every time i decide i'm gonna be all super duper sweet and show someone how much i care. i normally come up with TONS of ideas then realize they're all so very lame and just go on like the person i'm trying to be sweet for never existed and maybe, just maybe they'll channel a vibe of goodness from me telepathically.

Cats Praying is a little video i'm a bit ashamed of giggling at so hard. but YOU watch it and see if you can supress the snicker. if you can, fuck you. if you can't, congratulations, you're apparently normal.

Parade of Lost Souls has some bad ass pictures. i've been wanting for a little while now to gather all my old make up that i never use any more and put everything together for a zombie photo shoot. or hooker. or clown. whatever. just use up my old make up and have some drunken fun in the process. this will probably not happen because i never follow through with ANYTHING i want to do, but if it does ever happen, i promise to show you pictures.

The Onion: Brobama. a video that tickles me to my soul. i hated the whole obama uprising fanfare blabbity blip. yick. i hate politics as is, but crikey. "if you could shove that a little further down my throat, please. i don't think you've penetrated my bowels yet. keep trying, you're almost there." bleigh.

Cat House on the Kings is something that i myself have always dreamed of doing. having a huge sanctuary. i fucking LOVE things like this. let's you know there's still good people out there. not the crazy kind, the real ones. i love this so much. she gets TWO links.

Peanuts: the later years

Healthy Yum. a blog dedicated to good tasting healthy body fuel. or at least, very, very pretty body fuel.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, derlin; had this damned song stuck in my head all day.

arright. enough links for one day or as much as i'm giving you. fuck oif and come back later.

Monday, July 06, 2009

I'd like to buy a bowel, please.

i went to houston for the three day weekend we had. happy retrospective independence day, everybody!! had a blast. not a lot of "doing" anything, per say, but i enjoyed myself thoroughly nonetheless. on the way home, i stopped by taco bell in lufkin, tx. that was around 1 am yesterday morning or so. i got home. i snuggled up in my nice warm bed and promptly started to poop myself sideways. (i, uh, was able to hobble myself to the bathroom before the violence occurred.) much vomiting ensued as well.

i, of course, called in sick to work. because seriously......................just no. i don't poop at work as it is on a healthy day. i don't really think i could've survived the day as i was this morning. i would've spent the majority of my dispatching time in between pukin's napping on the dirty ass work floor.

WELL. did YOU know that if you call in on a day following a holiday, you're not paid for either unless its excused by a doctor?? me neither. so, i marched my not so happy ass up to the quick kare and two hours later walked out with a note that simply states "please excuse jane for 7/6/09". really?? two hours?? but i did get to watch home improvement for a while in the waiting room. haven't seen that show in fo-evah. here are the pictures i took once FINALLY allowed into an exam room and then sitting there for 25 minutes waiting on my doctor to arrive trying desperately not to fall back asleep:

me dying:
the heart rate measurer thingie and the ear lookie innie things:
these are the cabinets, in which, i believe severed heads are kept. never had the balls to open one.
reaching the breaking point of my "bored shitless"ness. look how i hold TWO posters, count 'em TWO posters with my mere fingers!!
i have finally succumbed to being officially "bored shitless". this is their trash can. isn't it a pretty trash can?? it's for bio hazardous materials. isn't that nice?? what a pretty, pretty can can.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that concludes our visit to the doctor's office.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

You have the potential to be beautiful

This is definitely the most depressive video I've watched in a WHILE. I understand and respect the concept of this video. I truly do. There are times when i sit home and watch my stomach tumble onto the floor(that may be slightly exaggerated) and think to myself, you know 100 years ago, I would've been considered hot. H.O.T. Good sturdy birthing hips, nice rounded Greek tummy, a small foot, and long dark hair. Every farmer's dream girl, right?? Wrong-o. Not the 2009 farmer. Newp. It's NOT acceptable to be who you are anymore. You have to be yourself improved x 3. You're obligated to meet your perfect potential or you're just kind of a fatty. UNLESS you've got some other AMAZING skill that can allow people to overlook your less than perfect physical appearance. An awesome sense of humor, brains out your ass, art and music creativity flowing from every pore. Something like that. Which of these things do I possess?? Um, I'd say a good standing in the position of the "fatty". (Speaking of which, I'm down to 145 again. Woo!! Look at me go.) I really do respect what these people are trying to do and have been tempted myself after reading her blog to maybe even participate. I won't, but I am tempted. I totally believe that your body is basically a culmination of all of your years. Every blemish, every scar, every unsightly stretch mark is a road map in the journey of jane's life(or rather your own). BUT society on the whole doesn't allow you to embrace that. SO, instead of being all different and innovative and saying to myself "I'm about 25 pounds heavier than what THA MAN tells me I should weigh, but I love myself the way that I am", I'm going to continue on until I get back (fingers crossed) to the weight I was at 2 years ago. A good sickly looking 125. I was told constantly that I was too skinny, but in my head I was still a rolling tub of lard, I just couldn't figure out how to lose down any further than I was. THEN I actually DID develop some confidence and began to eat on a regular basis without vomiting and BAM!! Look at me now. A portly 145. Jeepers. Now, instead of "whoo, you really look healthy now that you've put on some weight" i get "eek, you were soooo hot before. would you like to see a picture of what you looked like before?? when you were attractive?? i've got pictures of where you were holding Chippy before you turned into 'this' ". That's a quote, by the way. AAAAAnywho, what I'm saying is: if THIS lady is happy with herself and truly believes the blabbity blip that i posted above that I fully support and respect her for that and genuinely hope that she reaches millions of women with low self esteem and convince them the better they feel about themselves, their bodies will naturally whip themselves into shape. whatever shape that may be. maybe not "perfect" but the shape it's meant to be. just healthy. healthy and normal.

BUT unfortunately, I have succumbed to the dark side and will continue to starve/vomit and feel guilty until I am where I feel that society wants me to be.