Saturday, August 03, 2013

Forever Jrunk Jane

It's Saturday night. I'm (very) drunk, as per usual. I've become a big fat fatty in the past few years (above pic is OLD me) and I'm trying to figure out what to do to change that. "stop eating" or "put down the fork" aren't as helpful as you may think, despite their popularity. I've gotten into this habit when I eat, I swear to God, I black out for a minute. It's like "oh, well I've gotta eat!" and I just shovel and shovel and shovel until whatever I have in front of me is gone....or until I get the urge to vomit and I realize what I've done. I don't seem to have a consciousness of what's going on while it's actually happening.

I never had a weight problem when I was younger. Around 24, I think, I broke up with my horrid boyfriend who kept me in the bathroom (anorexia + bulimia) and moved in with an overweight nephew who opened me up to a whole new world of eating for fun without getting sick because there was no depression / anxiety there to hold me back. I was hooked. 

Since then, I've been see sawing back and forth between legitimately hot and just blobby. I'm currently very, very blobby. I want to say it mostly happens when I get drunk. Honestly, drinking certainly does add fuel to my fat fire, but that's not fair. I eat. Continuously.

Rodney (boyfriend) bought a power rack about a month ago. I've either maintained or gained weight since we started. (side note: I currently squat 75, bench 65, and can dead lift 135 RRRAAAAHHHH) Even though I've been actively burning more calories, since I've been working out, I've been hungrier. WAY hungrier. Which is dangerous in itself for a person like me. Because I already can't control myself.

It's frustrating. It leaves me in some weird middle ground. I guess what it ultimately boils down to is "I have no self control" and I want that. I had an epiphany the other day. Kind of. I'm constantly flooded with epiphanies I do nothing about. But I no longer want to live the way I have been. I'm a hoarder, I'm a junk junk junkie. My house is disgusting. My car is worse. My boyfriend is constantly on the verge of kicking me out (I think) because I can't "woman" properly and our house is a pig sty.

SO!! In the past few days, I've been making a conscious effort to be cleaner. I bathe almost every day now. (every 2 - 3 days was my normal routine; longer if I took whores' baths in the sink, just for honesty's sake). I've been trying to keep the dishes washed, sans the pans because Jesus Christ I hate washing a god damn pan. I've been keeping the litter boxes mostly scooped. I've made the bed every single day this week. I've kept the bedroom vacuumed so my poor boyfriend can sleep in the bed instead of on the couch, where he's lived for the past 2 years. (I know, right?)

I'm just sick of being the person I am. Bulldozing through each day, so I'm changing. So far, I'm pretty happy with the new found energy I've gotten from working out. It still leaves me with this constant extreme hunger, though. And I've got to find a way to tackle that since part of what I'm unhappy with myself stems from my general unhealthiness.

I seem to have reached a point to which English no longer makes sense to me. But here's to me and my future hot self. It's all about baby steps in creating a better life. Here we go!!