Wednesday, April 01, 2009

not that the white gravy is in any way superior; it's just what i'm in the mood for

just because i feel like being wildly offensive today. honestly, though, didn't your soul just giggle a little?? that shady part right behind that wall of racial tolerance?? come on, you know it did. it's a cute picture. look, its got puppies!!

so, today is april fools day. wahoo and the like. i had planned today on coming home and writing this big elaborate post about all the crazy things that happened to me today from being sneakily robbed at the gas station this morning by that smoking guy in the orange shirt to finally taking that pregnancy test for being vaguely sick this past month and it coming up positive and how to break it to the daddy. then after posting my wonderfully well written novella, i'd go down to the bottom and post via comment "APRIL FOOLS!!" and then you would all sigh a sigh of relief, then laugh hysterically at my amazing talent for spinning yarn and i would from here on out be known simply as "The Yarn Spinner". but i think i'm just gonna tell you how my day Really went instead. IN GRAPHIC DETAIL!!! seriously. this'll prolly be a long read. may wanna grab a cup o'joe. or coffee. your choice.

i was awakened at 4 am by the most annoying thing on earth: a hotel phone. who wants to be forcibly awakened in a hotel by anything other than a non vocal mouth?? am i right?? you don't have to answer that, i already know that i am. i awoke to that, then went IMMEDIATELY back to sleep and 9 minutes later my alarm on my phone starts going off. this sounds like a mini door bell. it may annoy me almost as much as the first noise. SNOOZE GOSH DAMNIT!! i repeat this process for the next 27 minutes. i then scooooooooooooot over 12 1/2 feet to the man who's supposed to be laying next to me to ask if he is angry with me in any way since he's apparently trying to sleep as far away from my horrible self as humanly possible. he grunts me a very sweet "no, baby" and conks back out. i crawl out from under the body temperature covers to step into what i can only compare to an alaskan plain. i shivered all the way to the bathroom and put my delicate tender buttocks on the ice circle that contained frozen blue water and prayed to the gods of almighty bladder that my pee hole had not frozen shut in the time it took me to get there. fortunately, it had not. praise be to the gods!! praise, praise. i slapped on the jeans/socks/underwear/everything i wore the day before and hunted desperately for the little black tee i'd brought for today. hooo, too aggravating a story to even tell. now, generally speaking, i'm not normally too angry first thing in the morning, but i've had a grand total of like 8 hours of sleep in the past two days and i was a bit hung over. i stuck a piece of frozen pizza in the microwave and rushed myself out the door. (room key in my pocket)

i get on the road and realize i have to get gas before i get to work because i'm nearly on empty and i still have 86 miles to go. that's no good. luckily i am able to make it all the way to arcadia before i have to stop. um. nothing at all happens here. i got gas and got back on the interstate. i arrived to work 9 minutes late. fuck yeah!! this equals On Time for me.

i bob my head for about 30 minutes before i realize i need to start chugging coffee soon or somebody will be scooping my unconscious body off the floor. TWO whole cups later, i hear a jackson driver say "hooo, i don't want a piece of that. that's a big ole bitch." what the fuck?? are the drivers making fat jokes about me now?? 'cause i'll kick some shins in a heart beat. i mean, like nobody ain't never SEEN shins bein' kicked. just about that time a dog tail went streaking past the dock window. i scream "OOOH!!" and nearly fall out of my chair trying to make it outside. after getting there, i see a HUGE white and tan pitbull. i nearly pee on myself trying to get to her as she runs inside one of our holding trailers. i made kissy noises and she came flopping her happy self over to me and licked and wiggled all over me, then ran out onto the dock in the midst of a barrage of oncoming forklifts. one of our guys said they thought she came from across the street at an oil company. i called and as it turns out, she's owned by one the oil workers there who brings her to work on occassion. with play time over, i return to my desk unable to sit still without bouncing my legs and my hands shaking violently. was i that afraid/excited by the whole pit ordeal?? surely not. AH!! the coffee!! my hands continue to shake violently for the next two hours.

i go home for lunch and piddle. forgetting i promised to bring my supervisor lunch from wendy's. when i get nearly back to work i realize this and have now lost ANOTHER 30 minutes. riveting stuff, i know. read on!!

when i return from lunch, i hear that our co worker has called in yet again. she was out friday for a camping excursion. monday, a sore throat. tuesday, a cough complete w/doctor's excuse through wednesday. today?? she calls in because they found a lymph node growing inside a lung. not just any lung, mind you, but HER lung. she cries hysterically. they have done x-rays and are waiting on the test results. terrible and frightening news. now, before i proceed, i googled this and it can be caused by a variety of infections. namely bronchitis. (please don't google this yourself, i only very, VERY vaguely searched. just believe me and move on.) she called BACK to say she would not return to work until monday because has a doctor's excuse stating that she is TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK. for those of you who may have missed this the first time, i repeat "TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK". the treatment?? antibiotics and four days of uninterrupted CAMPING. she's going camping because she is too upset to work. now, i am going to say this only because every story in the entire world is somehow related to me, but i've had TWO biopsies in the past year because i thought #1) i may have breast cancer and #2) i may have cervical cancer. i cried my eyes out. alot. terrified. BUT my terror, no matter how hard i try, refuses to pay my bills for me. i've asked, but he keeps on sayin' no. can you do that?? can you call in emotional and TELL your boss you're going camping for the next four days?? we were all too flabbergasted to allow work to continue that day.

i'm sleepy and have run out of words. just you thank your lucky stars and back away peacefully. perhaps tomorrow you can hear of my brand new thousand dollar engine displaying the bright, beautiful, and ever whimsical "check engine light".

oooh, fingers crossed!!


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