Friday, March 27, 2009

and i was so Angry and OH how i cried

why did i have to be a wednesday's child??

and why the hell is this underlined?? that's weird. maybe it wont post this way. piece o' shite website!! being all above my intellectual means. ass hole!!

guess who came hoooome?? my ever surprised looking little hex. i was playing online earlier and i heard the most God awful yowling coming from outside and since i've recently gotten a complaint notice about my cats roamin the neighborhood, i knew it couldn't have been one of mine. wrong!! i guess i really did jump the grief gun too early. poor hex. i didn't have enough faith in her to make it five whole days on her own. i feel like i should be ashamed, but you'd be amazed the amount of shit this cat gets her clumsy little ass into. hell, the first day i left her home by herself she fell in the half a centemeter crack behind the refrigerator. praise jesus for fridge wheels, too. otherwise, she'd still be back there, only stinkier. hmm. so, i guess by now she's figured out that she's a clumsy ass and has learned to be resourceful in perilous situations. whatever the case, i'm happy she's home.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

we'll build a freezer for the polar bears; we'll build a freezer for the penguins!!

we went to a very blurry amanda palmer concert(or it would seem) this past weekend in houston at the house of blues. IT. WAS. AWESOME. the room we were in was TINY. it almost seemed like a private showing. well, had it not been for the other two hundred people there. the last concert i went to of hers while she was still with the dresden dolls was flipping huge. very impersonal. not that concerts are really meant to be personal, but you could yell out and she would actually speak back to you and have mini conversations from stage. such as: "AMANDA!" "YEAH?" "WHAT'S YOUR TWITTER NAME??" "TWITTER/AMANDAPALMER." "AH!! THAT MAKES SENSE." or "AMANDA!!" "YEAH??" "FUCK ME, PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!" "ooooh. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO JUST SHUT UP FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW. YOU'RE BOTHERING PEOPLE. PLEASE DON'T TALK ANYMORE." for which the crowd cheered. because in amanda's defense, this guy/girl/fan/person was being pretty fucking bothersome.

she actually played the entire show standing up. because the room was so small, it also had a very small stage. and when she sat, we short folks could not see. how sweet is that?? she broke her back playing her heart out for however long just for ME!! 'course i stood in one spot suffering from oxygen depravation of the brain due to my alcohol induced state and lost feeling in the lower part of my legs and began to imaginarily bleed from my back just for her. but i love her and that's the sort of thing you do for people you love. or people you just really, really wanna stalk, which IS a form of love. it's the overachiever's form of love. and you remember that.

before we were allowed to get a glimpse at miss palmer. we were graced by the presence of vermillion lies. a sister group who does i'd say "playful ragtime"?? i'm sure they have a genre, but i'm uncertain on it. i was very skeptical at first. as i always am of new people encroaching on my safe territory. but i was blown away. very, very impressed. they got me with long red hair. zoey is in the picture above and was my personal favorite. got to meet her at the merchandise stand afte the show. i walked up to her and said basically i thought her voice was beautiful and it reminded me of an old 1920's black ragtime singer and i didnt wanna be one of those annoying fan people so that was it. she just stood and stared at me for a minute. eyeball to eyeball as if waiting for more. maybe she didn't hear me. it was a very long awkward wait for me.

this blurry young lady is her sister kim. the squibbly thing you see "dangling" from what appears to an arm is in fact a marionette who danced through several of their songs. he was vurry, vurry cute. i did not meet her, BUT did see her standing alone on the other side of the bar after the show. figured Somebody woulda been talking to her. nope. this sighting lasted for a grand total of like 15 seconds because i was on my way back from the bathroom to go hang out in the smokers lounge with the amazing yendor so the crowd could pass and we could sift the merchandise table in peace. we wound up getting a vermillion lies t shirt, an amanda palmer cd for a friend, and the collection of vermillion lies cds.

the whole night was awesome. purely and simply wonderful. couldn't have asked for a better birthday present.

thank you. : )

gotta get gone, gotta get gone, gotta get gahown

alas, it seems as though my little hexadecimal is no more. she got out sunday night when i got home from houston and she hasn't been seen since. i feel like 3 days may be jumping the grief gun a little bit, but she's not used to being outside for long periods of time. the last time she got out, she wound up being chased up a tree and stuck there for two days. i've checked with vets offices and the local animal control and filled out missing pet reports. i dont know what else to do. i have a really bad feeling about this one.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


i was unable to pass this up. feel free to watch this with no volume because it's in spanish. unless of course you speak spanish, which then by all means, listen away. click on zee wow.


for years now, and i mean quite literally Years, i've asked my mother for a certain chocolate easter bunny that she used to buy me when i was very small. every year i got the same thing. the same recycled brown OR white wicker basket from 1974 containing easter grass that my mother Dearly hates, but sacrificed once a year to allow me to have, assorted candies, possibly some cool tiny toy, AND a peter rabbit with a story book inside. a couple years like mom stopped with the peter rabbit because she said she couldn't find it anymore. so, she tried a few alternatives disappointing me every time. hooo. LOVE kids who are ungrateful about getting candy, don't you?? anyway. thats not the point. i mean, i didn't like scream and bitch or anything, i just specifically requested one certain candy and it wasn't out there for her to find. not her fault. that's understandable, i guess. right??

i remember when i was little i would ever so delicately take him out of the box, bite off his eyes then, very quickly as not to cause too much pain, bite through the front of his skull so he didn't feel me eating the rest of his body. come to think of it, i actually Still do this with any animal shaped food product. i remember several years ago i ate an animal cracker from the back half just to see what it would be like. i was literally almost in tears from guilt. don't judge me for being tenderhearted. i could have ocd about pulling legs off of every bug i see. see there?? i thought of so many horrible things, but couldn't even put them into words for fear someone may read it and develope the compulsion. THEY would've made for a better paragraph, but this one will just have to do.

moving on.

so, every year still around easter i go from aisle to aisle of various stores looking for this one candy, which i've never found. every year crushed a little at the thought of never getting to relive that childhood excitement.

i went to dollar general the other day to "grocery shop" and thats what we're gonna call it. and lo' and behold, guess who had my peter rabbit. the big DG. i just stopped mid aisle and stared. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was so excited for a moment, but i knew surely i was mistaken. this has happened MANY times before. i haven't looked for this thing so vigorously for 10 years and then just happen upon it randomly at some store. that's not possible, is it?? i snatched one up so quickly God had to blink twice and just notice the open spot on the shelf and assume i'd taken the bunny. i tucked it under my arm like some some jeweled thing that's been covered in jewels and i ran. i ran so far away. yes, i ran. i ran all night and day. or at least 4 aisles over to the cat food aisle. i stood there by myself, where it was safe, and unhinged the poor bunny from the deep crevaces of my arm pit. i looked it over top to bottom to make sure i was making the correct purchase. sure enough. it's peter rabbit. complete with little book and the picture of the boy legally hoeing in the background. i walked up to the register with pride hoping everyone saw and envied my purchase. "i am buying peter rabbit, you know??" no one seemed to care. unfeeling bastards.

but regardless, here i sit with pete and i've never been happier.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

what's the use of a heart if there's no one for it to beat for??

after looking up ALOT of stuff on breasts tonight for reasons we'll label "none of your business", those saline implants look pretty damned convincing. seriously. if only i had 7000 dollars laying around. i like to pretend to be one of those people who accepts yourself for who you are and what you have. and i am...........some days. today is not one of those days. i have a lump in my breast. we all know this, right??? we are all faithful readers and have followed this story from the beginning, yes?? and by follow this story, i mean "read that one post", yes?? good. i have what is called a fibroadenoma. its a har...............READ IT YOURSELF!! i'm getting off track. i guess i spoiled the none of your business speil there. :: sigh :: now i guess you know why i was a lookin' at tha boobs. anyway. today is not one of those days. today is one of those days that everybody called in sick to work and you come home to google boobs and somehow get lost on a breast augmentation site showing girls that look exactly like you, only topless instead of bottomless. and you realise. wow. you could look like that. YOU. president of the itty bitty titty committee could look like a normal human being. because, of course, if you turn just right in your bathroom mirror you do resemble a normal person, but you just brush it off as all girls look like a slightly chubby little boys when they take their clothes off. ALL GIRLS. oh, but no. they don't. believe me. goog.....wait....on second thought.......just try remember the Last girl you were with. see?? told you. fat ten year old boy?? yeah. i didn't think so. they used to not be that bad. because i Used to weight 120 lbs for like ever. so, they just looked like i lost them because my body was eating them away trying to find any source of sustinance it could to survive. but now. psh. now, it looks like my body's eating them away because there's not a snickers bar within an arms reach of me and it began to go insane with hunger and rage!! then i realize there are people out there like this. people god is angry at enough to give even smaller breasts than mine. NOT MUCH, mind you, but i'm practically Boobs McGee compared to this lady.

baaaah. who am i kiddin?? i'll wake up tomorrow morning on my stomach comfortable as any man. walk around for a while with my breasts bumping my chin and realise, it will take fucking FOREVER before i have the ability to play hacky sack with those things.... i dont have to complain about them when i run. my shirts are NEVER too short in the front. i do not sweat under my breasts. and finally..................well. suffice it to say I like them.


haha, this writing's tiny. ahem:

*yawn* good night.................

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 probably magic


the only true story that i have to tell today is one that will not be complete until i get those damned pictures!! : ) so, instead. a little dip inside my old poetry notebook. my Very old poetry notebook. to any of you who may have already read this: deal. and as always, no correct capitalization for you!!

ahem. here we go!!:
'Ole Blue

i was walking 'cross the farm one day
when i saw two little squirrels begin to play.
they were ripping and roaring and chasing and running
over cows who were sleeping and snakes who were sunning.
into the old storage shed they SHOT
clinking tiny nails on gramma's old pots.
they ran 'round in circles chasing their tails;
jumpin through holes in rusted out pails.
they found a bag of gramma's old yarn;
they dragged it out in the yard all the way to the barn.
they ran up and down making trails in the hay
upsetting new foals where in slumber they lay.
they chewed holes in the bottoms of the big bags of grain,
then they danced in their small little patches of rain.
they ran up great wide beams and then across rafters,
the one running in front and the one following after.
they jumped out the tip top and slid down the roof flat.
they tumbled in wild circles till they finally went SPLAT!!
then ole blue walked up to see the little bodies all broken and battered.
he looked left and right where all the blood had just splattered.
he looked round again then sat down in a hunch
and he stayed there a while till he'd finished his lunch.

Monday, March 16, 2009

not to put too fine a point on it, say i'm the only bee in your bonnet

now, i can appreciate a little body hair as much as the next girl, but i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

if i broke anything in there, it was a god damned water main

i had to use that one before it got too old and lost its affect.

yeah, i said affect.

from time to time, i get blind spots in my eyes. not like black spots. it's not black, there is just no detection of light, period. like that area doesn't exist. kind of the way things look from the back of your head. as far as your visions concerned, its just not there. this is normally followed by a pretty good sized migraine. which scares me a little because it's only 7:30 and i've asked around for tylenol and no one has any. in my visual spectrum, the right side of my vision isn't there. i was looking at katie talking a while ago and her left eye started disappearing and then her jawline. it's the weirdest feeling. my point in all of this being, people keep asking me if i have my glasses. what?? yeah, the 60 percent of the middle of my vision that was slightly blurred is now a little more clear. that whole area around the outside?? still doesn't exist. is that really that complicated?? cripes. do you understand what i'm saying??

this is gonna be a long day.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

monday night 3-9-09

transcribed from my notebook:

it's monday night and i lay in bed. it's dark and i'm writing this by very poor candle light in a really nifty 3d notebook i bought a long time ago, but could never find a good use for. i'd light more but alas i have lost the lighter. surprise!! seriously, i had it not fifteen minutes ago and ONLY in the bathroom for my candle lit bath.

you see folks, i had my electricity turned off today. i know what you're thinking. jane's finally trying to fulfill that hippie fantasy of hers by going natural and giving up modern comforts to live by the sunlight the way God and Nature intended.

well, dear reader, as much as i would like this to be true, the reason for this is far less noble. after much calculating and recalculating, i still have only 13 dollars in the bank until friday and there's no way to get around that. none. believe me. i've tried. so, join me as i embark on this four day adventure.

of course, you will not be able to read this until next week. so, i'll try to keep it well documented for you until then.

because honestly, what else do i have to do?? one can only masturbate so many times before there are just no fantasies left to enjoy. after a while, all your characters eventually just give up and sit around and start playing poker.

so far, in the very short time i've been without lights, the turkey meat in my fridge has already begun to take on the taste of what a squirrel smells like. hopefully, this will still be salvageable to bring to work tomorrow. lord knows i'm certainly going to try, though i may get food poisoning in the process. here goes hoping!!

luckily, i learned last year when i was living in my duplex how to wash clothes in the sink and hang them to dry on the shower curtain rod. at least i'll have clean clothes to wear to work.

Ugh. i can't actually "see" what i'm writing anymore because these candles are so dim. i'm just trying to make sure none of the shadows (or scribblings if you prefer) overlap. i'm also praying this story flows. but i'm starting to get a severe headache from this so i'm gonna leave you now and see if i can go break up a poker game before i fall asleep.

good night.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

i don't like grasshoppers; they're sudden

speaking of not being able to master the concept of "grasp and turn" to get into the front door. i went to go pee a while ago. i unbuckled my pants, i unzipped my pants, and tugged like the wind. i couldn't get the damn things off. i forgot one important factor:

i forgot to unbutton them.

: (


Tuesday, March 03, 2009

i'm not as callous as you think; i barely breathe when you are near

guess who's got the internet?? hmmmmmmmmm?? go ahead, guess!! alright, i'll tell you. 'tis i. your humble jane. tippity typing you these words from my very own bedroom. much excitement floweth forth.
in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i was previously borrowing cable left behind from the previous residents. when the internet guys got here to hook up this beautiful wonder, they asked me if i had cable television. "no?? there's a bunch of wires laying on my bedroom floor, but they've been there since i've moved in. i'm not sure what they go to or do." so, after the guys left, i played on here for a while then went and sat down in my living room to watch some tv before bed. well, guess what?? no more cable. dirty ethical bastards.

did i tell you i'd been on a diet recently?? no?? good. 'cause it'd be a lie. i was bored the other night when i came home from work and proceeded to gobble down two hot dogs w/bag o'chips and a coke. shortly thereafter, i finished off a tub of lime sherbet. aaaaaaaand then even shortly after THAT, i ate two waffles drenched in butter and syrup w/a nice big glass of milk. then i passed out.
i'd actually bought some lean cuisine's the last time i went shopping and they were, meh, okay, but last night was the first time i'd had a smartone. waaay, WAY better. you should try them if you haven't already.

i lost six pounds from being sick last week and i'm not sure what the hell happened 'cause i haven't been eating that much more, but my weight has plateaued back out around 148. : ( i'd kill to be under 140 again. i'd do something even worse to be back under 130 again, but i don't see that happening any time in the next 30 years....i was listening to a comedian the other day talking about how you used to could bounce a quarter off his wife's ass and now she looks like she's smuggling wet laundry in the seat of her pants. i laughed my ass off till i realized thats kinda what i remind myself up. then i shut up and sat quietly and prayed no one will ever look at my droopy ass again.

i realize at the same time, 2 years ago when i was all toned and stuff i constantly complained about being fat. so, 2-3 years from NOW, i'll be looking back wishing i could get this body back. you never realize how good you look until you no longer do. you always look better in retrospect. i'll stop my whinin'.