gut wrenching

i am so ungodly sick, its not funny. my stomach keeps twisting and turning right above my belly button. oh, nothings happening. no relief anywhere. nooo, course not. that'd be too easy.

well, i'm a horrible parent. by parent, i mean, pet owner. yesterday was my puppys birthday. i didnt realize that until about 1 this morning. he's 5 years old. ::sigh:: they grow up so fast. i cant believe i forgot though. that's disturbing.

katie, daytime girl at work, went into premature labor yesterday, which is scary for her i'm sure, since they made a whole big ordeal about how they absolutely did not want her going into labor by herself because she's prone to seizures. she's been seeing her doctor 2wice a week for monitoring to make sure everything's okay. i feel sorry for her because she's been nervous like crazy here recently about that.

not sure if i mentioned that i got to talk to that guy i met at the bar this weekend. that was an interesting conversation. it was like talking to me. i couldnt hear anything he was saying and when i got him to speak up, all his words ran together. grr. it was like having a conversation with me. i guess now i know how brad feels. he called me 3 times yesterday. i had my phone off at the time, but the first two messages he left were nothing but him holding the phone till my answering machine ran out and the 3rd is "girl, you say you're so lonely. what about me?? call me. this is steven." he wasnt laughing at all and sounded really pissy. it was even kinda scary the way he said it. he also sent me a text message after that that said "hey, sexy, didnt hear from yo today, call me later" skrange. soo, several factors added together, here's my plan. i text message him later today and tell him me and my boyfriend got in a big fight and i cant talk to him anymore and apologizing if i come across bitchy. hopefully, that'll work. i like getting to know new people and all (riiiiight) but this is one headache i just dont think is worth it.

romance

they lay in the dark, talking. he runs his hand across her bare butt cheek.

"wow!" he says excitedly. "you're wearing a thong?!"

"oh," she laughs, "no, that's just a wedgie. hang on...there. full bottom panties again."

you'll always be my whore 'cause you're the one that i adore

we can never be apart...

well, i've tried updating a couple times, so what's one more. let's get started.

last week rounded off better than i'd imagined. nothing really of interest happened. i had a driver call in friday night and talk to me for a while about how sexy i was and he just wanted to let me know from a grown man's point of view, he likes what he sees. all the while his wife is upset about something in the background and he's all "aw, baby, blah blah blah" it was weird and slightly awkward. he was calling in tired and i said i could tell because he sounded throaty. "throaty?? like deep throaty??" "uh, sure" "so, jane, do you deep throaty??" oh, the romance. that's the way to get to a girl's heart. ask her how far she can shove a dick in her mouth. nice job, dude. course i suppose he wasnt really trying to get to my heart, but still. sheesh. where's the subtlety?? i stayed at work for a while that night. a driver asked me out. that was weird. so, i told him i have a tendancy to throw up when i eat with people i dont know that well. which, by the way, is the God's honest truth. so, he didnt really wanna talk to me after that, because apparently that came across as "no, the thought of eating breakfast with you makes me want to throw up." eh, well.

the girl who works nights asked me to go out with her also. so, i went. we went to what's on tap? first. the bartender there was a bitch. (to me) she pointed to me and said "i wanna see her id first. i wanna see how much she remembers." so, she asked me the sign of my birth....pisces?? she asked me where i live, so i have her my entire address. so, she stared at me for a long time and finally threw my lisence at me. we left. we eventually made our way to rockin' rodeo where me and girl at work(18-wheeler barbie is what we'll call her) got very, very drunk. we had a great time, which i'm not used to doing in bars anymore. i had one guy repeatedly ask me to play pool with him, which i never got around to. not intentionally, of course. later, barbie's friend skipper came and asked me if i had a boyfriend. "yes" ........."well, my friend wanted me to come get you because he thinks you're cute." okay. so, we talked for a while. and by talked i mean he screamed a while till we both gave up. i randomly put my number in a couple people's phones, in one phone i was actually amber's 2nd number. wow, is she gonna be pissed. whoever she is. so, dude #2(we'll call him steve) asked me if i'd accept something. sure, so, he pulled a rose out from behind his back. so, i laughed. ::hangs head:: bitchy, yes, but it was a just a reaction, i promise. i said "so, who gave you that??" "nobody, i bought it for you." "no...really, who gave you that??" so, then we danced for a while. i did not puke nor fall on the dance floor and i was very proud of myself for that. a little while later, me and barbie got in a water fight in the middle of the bar, squeeling our little heads off and got soaked from head to toe. or well, i did. she just got her shirt wet. so, i left without saying goodbye to stevey-poo and we headed off to her house. her husband told me that guy was gonna wait three days and then call me so he didnt seem desperate. sure enough, he called me today. how about that. i couldnt talk because well, i'm at work, so i'm supposed to talk to him again after i get off. we'll see how that goes...

i got home last night with a terrific headache. i never understood that expression, it wasnt really that great. it was actually pretty shitty, but anyways. so, i woke up this morning shivering and needing so desperately to vomit but couldnt. so, i barely got any sleep today between all the barfing and other forms of latrine utilization. ickity. which, pretty much brings us up to now. here i am, eating and once again, desperately needing to puke. i've been fussed at recently that there may be something wrong, because for the past few years or so, the majority of the time when i eat i get nausious. eh, i dunno...

rodney, i did get your comment the other day about me coming to your house to show me how to do that stuff, i just never messaged you back, but i was already gone by the time you sent that. laziness prevented me from saying that till now, just wanted you to know...

and this series of strange burps makes me think i need to get offa here, which i'll do now...

something is definitely wrong here

this is the time of day today that everything has officially been shot to shit. i'm going to take this opportunity to use this post as "this is my website, i can bitch about whatever i want." so, the next few paragraphs may sound like the ravings of a two year old. you can just wait an extra day to read if you want...i understand.

i have this problem every month before i start my period. i get semi-suicidal. i start to feel like everyone literally hates me and the world is crashing down and no one sees it or cares but me. i know i'm always depressed or upset in some form or fashion, but right before i start it comes down hard. i have cried everyday for the past 3 days. i dont mean ouch, i stubbed my toe. i mean, why does my life have to be so fucked up and why do i continue to act like a vacuum for pain and misery. i got a migraine yesterday i cried so long and so hard. i accidentally cut myself today with a pair of scissors on my hand next to the scars from all the other times ive accidentally cut myself in the past. it wasnt nearly as deep as i'd planned (and by planned, i of course mean, how deep i expected it to be after the accident occured) and i dont even think it's gonna scar. i have literally wanted for the past 3 days my life to end, either that or some major horror to happen so i'd have a more visibly valid reason for my 'chronic depression'.

i started my period today. this is normally the one day a month i am genuinely in a good mood. sincerely happy with mother nature and the world in general. but i'm not. all still seems to be wrong with the world. i'm frustrated. why all the frustration?? it's all my own doings and i know that. i apparently find comfort in piling misery on top of myself and snuggling underneath it. i could either grow a ball or say fuck it or well, change. which, believe it or not, is a WHOLE lot harder to do than one might think.

im so uptight i cant stand it. looking around, i hate people like me. i now understand people like me, (i also now understand people who slash their genetalia) but i woulnt want to hang out with them. oh, wait, ps this is not a cry for friendship. its something i dont really crave that often anymore. s'ok. nor is it a cry for compliments like no, jane, your a great person and bleh bleh, great personality bleh bleh bleh. please understand that i'm painfully aware of the way i come off to others. s'ok also.

in high school i was always uptight in the shy, innocent, honestly "if i say something sexual in front of someone, i may gross them out". how's that for teenage self-esteem?? i was still a walking hormone though, i just never told anyone because well, i feared grossing them out. i just realized that paragraph was gonna go really bad and in a direction i really didnt want it to. this isnt about my non-existent sex drive. although normality every now and then would be nice, that's not what we're here to whine about today.

i'm intimidated by everything. i hate women for being better at various things than me and i hate men for probably thinking that other women are better than me. why not find an interest and learn how to better myself at it?? ah ha, there's a thought. but my laziness has a tendancy to get in the way of that. i'd much rather have a build up and then ejaculate bitchy words onto people. (babe, that was your part of the post, pppttthhh, i said ejaculate, haha)

well, i'm gonna wrap up now i suppose. i feel better anyway. i realize nobody needs to know any of this, but well, there's no one i could really tell any of this to right now and i wouldnt want to do that to anybody right now, either. because it would have been a whole hell of a lot longer than just these few paragraphs.


safety


on a lighter note, i changed my cell phone ring yesterday to Spooky. this was on the phone menu, not the actual oldie. it chimes up and then down and has little drums in the background. its very cute. i likes it.
yay for cell phones...

ps just for the record, i've never slashed my vagina. she's perfectly intact. i think, not that i really have anything to compare her to. sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................

kvestion

sooo, who knows how to add links to the right side of the page on your blog?? and is willing to give a kindergarten description of what has to be done??

and on top of that, my date and time on my blog are always off, and i have to set them every time i update. i havent always had to do this. does anyone have an explanation of why this may have happened or any way of correcting it??

any help is greatly appreciated.

nothing out of the ordinary

well, my day has officially been shot to shit. for anyone who doesnt know me, this is a fairly regular occurance. actually, it usually happens everyday at some point. this is my time for today. hopefully it will only happen once today though. i just looked down and saw glitter on my thumb. heaven help us. i need a paper bag to breathe into...

you stole my soul and thats a pain i can live without

...maggie...

i just now realized that i grammatically fucked up the last paragraph of my last post. to anyone else who may have noticed, my bad, otherwise, just keep moving.

last week ended pretty good. our terminal manager came up to work friday night to discuss any problems we might have on knowing who's in charge or minding your own business or anything else you might have a problem with. so, right there at the end, i grew a testicle, adjusted, and said "i'm gonna go ahead and say this now because i know i never will otherwise. i have a problem with well...------, it's you. the way you come in at night and ask me repeatedly why i'm not gone, why am i lazing around, we dont look that busy, why are you still here. all that stuff. it bothers me and i dont like it."

"oh, i was just pickin' at you about that."

"well, i know you've always done that, but it's gotten progressively rude here recently, and i want it to stop. it's annoying and frustrating."

and then the meeting was summed up. my supervisor hugged me twice that night and told me i had no idea how proud of me he was. and if i'd have known it would have been talked about that much afterwards, i probably wouldve kept it inside and just let it irritate me. sheesh.

later that night, i left work and went to spend the night with my sister. they just got a new puppy. oh, that dog is awesome. it is such a jane dog. it's a bassett hound. i have never seen a lazy puppy, but apparently they exist. not the cutest dog in the world, but still a cool little pup. though, in her defense, the neighbors dog, goober (he's a weinie dog and yes, he's named goober on purpose) and her played outside all day long saturday so i suppose she had the right to sleep the rest of the afternoon. but yeah, if i ever get an inside dog that's a pure breed, which i'm kind of against, it'll most definitely be a bassett. it fits into my exercise routine PERFECTLY.

::shiver:: its cold in here...

saturday, me and two of my sisters took all their ten children or well, 1...2...3...4..., i guess four children to monroe to see madagascar. and being with the one sister we were with we showed up 15 minutes late, but being with the other sister we were with, that wasnt really bad because she had lied about what time the movie started so we'd shoot for an earlier time because she knows how the other sister works, otherwise we probably wouldve been closer to 45 minutes or so late, which wouldve been, well, pointless. so, for some retarted screw up i wound up sitting down with the two youngest first and then people came and sat beside us, so everbody else had to sit on the other side of the theater. so, the whole last half of the movie, i heard "when's mama coming back??" from one and from the other at the top of her lungs "I'M HUNGRY AND THIRSTY. CAN I LEAVE AND GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND DRINK???" over and over and over, the both of them. you can only explain the situation to them so many times. so, finally everytime they made a noise i pinched their lips. so, they'd pout and sulk for the next few minutes. but what i did get to see of madagascar was descent. not great by any means, but definitely watchable.

we walked around the mall for a while and i realize either everything purchaseable(?) is just crap, or i just honestly do not have any taste. so, we went home.

my oldest neice spent the night with me. that was fun. i wound up giving her a ton of makeup, since well, i dont wear makeup anymore. or rarely anyways.

sunday was fathers day. they got dad a new guitar case and i realized when me and a sister went home to get his guitar case and it fell completely apart, hey, that was a pretty good idea. so, got it back over there and somewhere, someone had miscalculated and the guitar didnt fit. "hm, that dont fit. that thing aint no good. where's my guitar case?" and that was the end of that. i remember getting in trouble when i didnt appear to appreciate something. but that was a long time ago. so...nevermind.

and i had a few more ramblings to bestow upon you, but i just realized its after two o'clock and i have to go wash my hiney...and everywhere else too, i suppose.

herpes and my ever widening ass...

sorry for the delay in updating. i know you've been heartbroken. so, here's what's been going on:

saturday we went to pauls and had a pig roast. that was interesting. got a little drunk, played a little horseshoe, chased bradford around the yard wearing my bra. him wearing my bra, not me. but then again, so goes the drunkeness of jane, nothing new there. i really did have a great time for the most part, but i remembered again why i dont talk alot.

had a wonderfully shitty day sunday, starting with a fever blister on my bottom lip. which i found to be mildly ironic since i kept telling rod that i had drunk after suz and i had a fever blister coming, that i actually knew nothing about at the time. its almost completely healed now. and just for the record no i did not drink out of her drink at all. so, rodney, it's okay. neither of you are going to die.

the week has progessed strangely. i think i'm pms-ing and its been a roller coaster ride all week filled with crying, angry outbursts, and thoroughly confusing people around me. to you: i apologize. to the rest of you, better luck next month.



and as far as my ever widening ass: well, it wont stop growing. thats all. its not herpes infested or anything...that i know of. i mean, there's the occassional itch or two, but...anyway, it just insists on climbing up the sized in panty size. no real story there. it just depresses me

that OCD is a bitch

but old habits die hard, i suppose. or so they say.

i figured i'd try something new and update 2 whole days in a row! and we're off...

my hair is *almost* long enough to put in a clippie now. oh, how i miss my clippies. pony tails must have been invented by some sadist back in the day. i never mastered the art of pony tails, never. i finally got one up and mostly straight the other day at work, my boss comes and grabs the back of my head and shakes it. shortly after that, he rubbed his dick-n-balls on the back of my neck but thats another story. point being: i miss my long hair. not enough to grow it back, i'm actually thinking of having it cut a little shorter in a month or two. no bangs this time though. i thought i learned my lesson in 6th grade, but nope, i had to go for it again. i'll remember one day. BANGS ARE THE DEVIL!!!

I HAVE FIRM BREASTS!!!

which is a concept relatively new to me. though itty and cute and perky as they were, they never had real substance. i had written a while back about the massive lump in my left boob, which when asking the doctor about it, she said "drink less caffeine". so, i tried that but the swelling nor the soreness went away and now my right one is following suit. now, they might be all painful and non touchable and what not, but they're getting to be quite eye-catching if i might say so. and its my website, so i say so. my tits is gettin' all purty like. how d'ya like that??

quite frankly thats the most interesting thing i can think to tell you people. i am developing pretty boobs. anybody wanna test my theory???


oh, and thank you anonymous and i loathe andrew dice clay, here's the real jack sprat:

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean;
And so betwixt them both,
they lick'd the platter clean.

and because i like nursury rhymes:

A Man of Words and Not Deeds

A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds
And when the weeds begin to grow
It's like a garden full of snow
And when the snow begins to fall
It's like a bird upon the wall
And when the bird away does fly
It's like an eagle in the sky
And when the sky begins to roar
It's like a lion at the door
And when the door begins to crack
It's like a stick across your back
And when your back begins to smart
It's like a penknife in your heart
And when your heart begins to bleed
You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

no personal hate intended in this post. any personal hate you may have felt flaking off onto you, please take that as just your own paranoia.

jack sprat

jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean somethiny something blah blehbitty bleh and something else... clean. what is the rest of this poem?? its been in my head for almost a week now. help.

eat shit and die...please

nothing like good manners.

so, you have a thing of fries and you place them atop the trash can which contains nothing but paper. you change your mind 30 seconds later and decide you want some more fries. you get them. does this constitute "eating out of the trash can"??

not alot going on over here in the land of well, void. i guess in itself there really shouldnt be a whole lot going on. so, job well done me. jack shit going on in the giant ever growing gaping void.

moving on...

its decided. brad has the absolute most annoying dog on the face of the planet. cute as a bug but insists upon making some kind of throat noise 24 hours a day. other than that, the little pup seems to be doing fine. he still isnt really walking on that one bad leg with the broken ball and socket joint. but other than that really seems fine. he has to wear one of those little elizabethan or victorian whatever collars. he looks like such a little nerd. its so cute. he hates it, but i like rejoicing in his annoyance. it makes me feel better.

i've been having this little problem at work. i've been moved to full time which means my new hours are 4-12:30. eight hours. anywho, for the last week or two this woman at work has for some reason decided that its her job to ensure that i'm constantly busy and not "riding the clock" the entire time she's here. she's always done this in small ways. no big deal, everybody's allowed to be a little annoying. but lately its been "god, you're still here?" "aren't you done yet?" "well, if you're not done then why are you standing around with your thumb up your butt?" because it feels good was the politest thing i could come up with. but its increasingly getting worse and worse. it's not 'exactly' bitchy, but its intentional and everybody else notices it. what do you say to something like that without coming across as a bitch yourself?? the point about the 8 hour thing is, if i do not stay at least 7.1 hours a night i lose my new found full timedness. you understand that word, dont you?? sure you do. yet another pet peeve on my ever growing list.

when i went to check my mail again a minute ago, blasted across the top of my screen is:

condom broke??

no? do alot of people have condom breakage problems while checking mail? even so, if i do ever have this problem i still have 72 hours to prevent that possible pregnancy with the EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTIVE. all in slanty letters if you'll notice. they go THAT WAY. slanty and all italicized. woo-hoo!!! we're slantin' like crazy over here.
okay, all that leaning to the side was starting to make me nausious. ooh, ::subdued burp:: sheesh.

i'm bored as hell. 'course i guess actually, hell probably isnt that boring. you constantly have more flesh to pick back up.