Wednesday, June 22, 2005

something is definitely wrong here

this is the time of day today that everything has officially been shot to shit. i'm going to take this opportunity to use this post as "this is my website, i can bitch about whatever i want." so, the next few paragraphs may sound like the ravings of a two year old. you can just wait an extra day to read if you want...i understand.

i have this problem every month before i start my period. i get semi-suicidal. i start to feel like everyone literally hates me and the world is crashing down and no one sees it or cares but me. i know i'm always depressed or upset in some form or fashion, but right before i start it comes down hard. i have cried everyday for the past 3 days. i dont mean ouch, i stubbed my toe. i mean, why does my life have to be so fucked up and why do i continue to act like a vacuum for pain and misery. i got a migraine yesterday i cried so long and so hard. i accidentally cut myself today with a pair of scissors on my hand next to the scars from all the other times ive accidentally cut myself in the past. it wasnt nearly as deep as i'd planned (and by planned, i of course mean, how deep i expected it to be after the accident occured) and i dont even think it's gonna scar. i have literally wanted for the past 3 days my life to end, either that or some major horror to happen so i'd have a more visibly valid reason for my 'chronic depression'.

i started my period today. this is normally the one day a month i am genuinely in a good mood. sincerely happy with mother nature and the world in general. but i'm not. all still seems to be wrong with the world. i'm frustrated. why all the frustration?? it's all my own doings and i know that. i apparently find comfort in piling misery on top of myself and snuggling underneath it. i could either grow a ball or say fuck it or well, change. which, believe it or not, is a WHOLE lot harder to do than one might think.

im so uptight i cant stand it. looking around, i hate people like me. i now understand people like me, (i also now understand people who slash their genetalia) but i woulnt want to hang out with them. oh, wait, ps this is not a cry for friendship. its something i dont really crave that often anymore. s'ok. nor is it a cry for compliments like no, jane, your a great person and bleh bleh, great personality bleh bleh bleh. please understand that i'm painfully aware of the way i come off to others. s'ok also.

in high school i was always uptight in the shy, innocent, honestly "if i say something sexual in front of someone, i may gross them out". how's that for teenage self-esteem?? i was still a walking hormone though, i just never told anyone because well, i feared grossing them out. i just realized that paragraph was gonna go really bad and in a direction i really didnt want it to. this isnt about my non-existent sex drive. although normality every now and then would be nice, that's not what we're here to whine about today.

i'm intimidated by everything. i hate women for being better at various things than me and i hate men for probably thinking that other women are better than me. why not find an interest and learn how to better myself at it?? ah ha, there's a thought. but my laziness has a tendancy to get in the way of that. i'd much rather have a build up and then ejaculate bitchy words onto people. (babe, that was your part of the post, pppttthhh, i said ejaculate, haha)

well, i'm gonna wrap up now i suppose. i feel better anyway. i realize nobody needs to know any of this, but well, there's no one i could really tell any of this to right now and i wouldnt want to do that to anybody right now, either. because it would have been a whole hell of a lot longer than just these few paragraphs.


on a lighter note, i changed my cell phone ring yesterday to Spooky. this was on the phone menu, not the actual oldie. it chimes up and then down and has little drums in the background. its very cute. i likes it.
yay for cell phones...

ps just for the record, i've never slashed my vagina. she's perfectly intact. i think, not that i really have anything to compare her to. sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................


Blogger TofTD said...

Ah well it all passes. Hi by the way and I know this is an unsolicited comment from some dork who doesn't even know you. Just I reckon you should remind yourself next week when you're feeling better, that you should spend the rest of the month getting your life fixed so the next period won't suck so much. Cheers.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 8:31:00 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

No one should try and tell you how to feel. Believe me, those idiots at the silly asylum will try to place you on so many drugs that can sometimes make it worse.

My suggestion, find someone who you can vent on and count on being there when you have a mental breakdown. I know I'm not exactly one to talk, but I have been in your shoes multiple times in the last four years of my life and know exactly how it would effect others if you were to commit suicide. A good friend of mine did May 2.

Even if you aren't a religious person, sometimes a pastor or priest can help, if you can't find a friend to listen to you without calling in the authorities.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 8:48:00 PM  

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