i'll be your pet if you tell me it's a gift

does my ass look big in this picture?? i feel like it does.

i don't think it's any big secret to any one here that i've had problems with depression and anxiety for a long time. i'm actually guessing since age 10-11 if i had to put a finger on it, but if i could pin point it, that might imply there are actually reasons for me being the way that i am. i think we can all agree that i've lived with these problems for way too long to try to fix them naturally now. whatever the case, i've realized i can't live my life this way anymore. i constantly work myself up into worrisome internal tornadoes ending in outbursts of bitchiness, weepiness, migraines, or excessive sleeping. occasionally all four and sometimes extras. for approximately 3 - 4 weeks now, i've had this intense weight in my chest. the intensity varies day by day, but regardless it is ever present. i realized this past friday there may be something extra special about this particular spell when i wanted to literally drive my car off a bridge on the way back to work. i was about to say i'd been having night terrors for about a month now as well, but after a bit of reading i've decided maybe they're just intense night mares. very vivid, lucid, and i often wake up sweating, crying, and/or suffocating. i'm constantly afraid. ehh, i was gonna give examples, but i don't wanna sound like a looney. one of my hugest fears is people being mad at me. daily. these fears run over me in a wave of heat and panic. for example: friday at work, i had an apple for breakfast. it was an old apple and had a dark spot. i took a knife out of the drawer and cut the bad spot out over the bathroom trash can and in a hurry, left it on the sink with apple remnants stuck to it. later that evening on the way to houston, i went into a frenzied panic because i left it on the counter and the lady that works nights would be angry once she saw it there. it's probably her knife anyway and she'll know it was me. she'll KNOW it was me. through a series of phone calls and text messages, the situation was cleared up and i had someone else clean it and return it for me, but by the end of it, i thought my teeth were going to pop out of the right side of my head and my stomach acid may eat it's way through to my intestines. my headache eventually went away later that night, but i'm starting to think i'm developing a stomach ulcer(from a culmination of other things, not just from this one incident). this occurs on a pretty regular basis though normally no one is around to witness it. the cause is always different but the feeling of terror with head and stomach pain is always the same. i feel like my world is on the verge of collapse and regardless of personal circumstance(job security, relationship security, healthier diet, exercise, enough sleep, healthy pets, etc) i can't seem make it stop. i was able to verbalize some of this on friday, which helped TREMENDOUSLY with the weight in my chest, but i still feel like something's gotta give. something major. i talked to my sister, julie, one day last week and i have an appointment set up for this wednesday to see a doctor about possibly getting on anxiety medication. i was thinking depression, but i feel like anxiety probably covers my symptoms better. which is why i'm going to talk to a professional and not simply buying pills off the street. at least this way, my company pays for my drug habit.

ladies and gentlemen, my a/c has been offically broken

or rod stewart??

so.

i felt it needed blogging!!

did i tell you that i recently acquired another kitten?? a cute kitten?? a lovable kitten?? a demon possessed kitten?? because i did. we went to houston this weekend. had a blast. as always......for me at least. :) returned home sunday night, snuggled up under my big orange comforter, and closed my eyes. "closed my eyes" is apparently the signal to pounce my seemingly lifeless body. much to my surprise, i reacted with a pop to the head and a chunk on the floor. we repeated this routine for the next 4 1/2 hours until JUST about the time my alarm clock went off. 5:30 is apparently when she tuckered herself out and needed to get some rest. i SO wanted to find out where she was sleeping and just poke her until i had to leave for work.

shit head.

ride a mini pony home

sooooooooooo. pinning a child to the point of crying is apparently not the best way to force them to sing their ABC's. perhaps i'm not cut out to be a teacher after all. who knew??

all i'm sayin' is, either i'm destined to be a REALLY shitty mom or people just don't discipline kids the way they used to.

Praise. The. Lord.

i think she's gotten the idea. hallelujah and praise jesus. that will be all.

you're beautiful when you explode

it's true. you are. and for the record, the first 1:58 of that video is useless. the one that you would be taken to once you clicked on the title. clickity click click away.

i got this cat this weekend while checking the mail. she was wandering around by the first trailer in our trailer park. the kid that lives there said she was just a stray. she's so tiny. i can't stand the thought of her being run over or eaten by something bigger.i brought her home, much to the dismay of my other kitties. she's VERY affectionate. VERY cuddly. and VERY opposed to the idea of a litter box. i was awakened at 2 something this morning with a small puddle forming between my arm and my chest. i screamed and she catapulted herself across the room leaving a trail of urine in her wake. i got up and washed sheets. well, i threw them in the hallway and went angrily back to bed. i'm ABOUT to get up and wash sheets. i'll give her credit that she can't be more than 8-9 weeks old, maximum. she's probably never seen a litter box before. OR maybe that's why her family threw her outside in the first place. because they couldn't handle being pissed on in the middle of the night. the first scenario makes me feel better. i'll deal with this headache for the next week. then, well, she'll be gone.

any body interested in a free kitten?? she's very, very sweet. eh?? eh??

Cinco de Augusto

going to check the mail can be more profitable than you might think!!!
me and cinco

hex VERY upset about cinco
me making kissy face at cinco
just cinco
curious number 5
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand just cinco de augusto.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. find out what it means to thee.

#1) i'm sorry that i can't give you my caloric intake until later. for the time being you'll have to settle for an actual update. my sincerest of apologies.

#2)i had an unusual feeling come over me today. it took me a while to even diagnose it. i feel that for my job's sake, i shouldn't go into too many details. recently, one of my colleagues had a slight accident at work. by "at work" i mean, on their way IN to work. on the steps. before reaching the door. before clocking on. before working. said colleague was hurt, not badly, but painfully enough. i heard later that day that said colleague went to the hospital with a workman's compensation form. (to reiterate: said colleague was not on company time nor were they doing company work) i tried to rationalize this in my head. i finally deduced that because this person did state "i've never been hurt on the job before. i don't know what to do" this obviously meant that perhaps they were doing that to cover their ass, but would surely realize once they reached work kare, that this whole shannanagin was utterly absurd and would most likely be laughed out of the doctor's office. now. i would like to interrupt this bulletin by saying that we recently received a pay cut at work. not huge. 5%. but enough to feel it. we had meetings on saving office supplies. not using too many staples. please run the markers until you have no more ink you can possibly squeeze out. that sort of thing. our company is trying desperately to conserve as much money as possible to conserve as many jobs as possible in the increasingly poopy economy. which i can respect. it bothers me that my paycheck has shrunk back to where i was 2 years ago, but i can still respect the salvation part of the sentiment. sooo, i hear today that as it turns out, our company covers you from the time reach our property and exit your vehicle to the time you exit the facility and enter your vehicle. said colleague's paperwork is being filed as we speak......assuming that we were speaking. which we're not. because quite obviously, i'm typing and you're reading.

...

this person is now talking about having to have an MRI done to make sure there's no further damage. possibly surgery in the future. now. once, i heard that, something deep down within me stirred. i couldn't quite put my finger on it. due to an act of blatant and severe clumsiness, this person is about to sue our company to pay the cost of blatantly severe clumsy medical bills. pain, anguish, and suffering are bound to follow. it very brightly dawned on me that this is greed in it's purest form. our company has allowed this person to stay employed when they could be jobless. i used the term allow very strongly and literally. i've lost respect for this person and i'm mad about it. this is a VERY rare feeling for me. as many of you may know, i am a "dupe". i am easily "duped". you can poop on my face, say you are sorry, and i will say "oh, it's okay. i shouldn't have had the big poop on me sticker on my face. sorry about that. that's my fault. i'll clean that up." i hold most people in the utmost regard whether they deserve it or not. nearly everyone i know, actually. it genuinely disturbed me that someone would do this. i hear about this kind of stuff on teevee, but they're really doing it. this is the equivalent of those chubbsters who sued mcdonalds for making them fat or scalding them with their clearly labeled "hot" coffee. the hackers who have smoked for 20 years and are surprised their lungs are riddled with cancer spots. it's just greed not even justified greed. just plain greed.

it bothered me so much, that when i went to ask our manager a question about something totally unrelated i just stood in silence after our conversation. i wanted to ask him so desperately "they're gonna dispute that, right?? they're not really gonna get money for that, right??" he just looked at me and asked if there was anything else. all i could do was walk out. it's not my business. at all. not even a little bit. but really?? aren't there like an underlying code of ethics for sane adults these days?? it's an insult for those of us who Work to gain money.

how rude.

but thank god we saved the burger king bag, right??

i made these gifts for you. they're up in my bummmmmmmmmmm.

i love family guy. SO much.

arright. so, i didn't break my fast until 'round 10:30 this morning. had a small fruit cup from chick fil a for 100 calories. then followed that up about 2 hours later w/a side salad w/fat free honey mustard dressing. 95 calories. i broke down and had 17 calories worth of cheezits after lunch.

I DID 80 CRUNCHES FOR LUNCH!!! GRAHH!!

1 cup of dry corn flakes for one hunnerd. i broke down AGAIN and had 27 calories worth of MORE cheezits.

90 more calories thrown carelessly at yet another chocolate chip cookie. and lastly 240 on a broccoli and cheese smart ones meal.

AND 70 more mother fuckin' crunches!!

the most i've ever been ashamed of myself for having had an orgasm??

maybe not the MOST.

arright. for yesterday i had,
a 410 calorie sausage/bacon/egg/cheese orgasmic biscuit from burger king for breakfast.
feeling very disappointed and disgusted with myself. i had
a 18 calorie portion of a regular v8. i did not vomit. i did, however, dump the rest of this "liquid" back into the earth, where it belongs. i proceeded to do 130 crunches(once again, i did not vomit.) and a few of the most ridiculous looking crunches ever.
last night, i had a couple of slivers of garlic bread. i don't know how many calories, so i'm gonna assume "0".
for supper i had
at first: cheese ziti meal that tasted like pure fecal matter 150 calories wasted, so i switched to
a smart one chicken lasagna for 270 calories.
topped THAT off with 1 1/2 weight watchers chocolate chip cookies. it was like a tiny orgasm in my mouth. OH GOD!!

the total known caloric intake for yesterday:
947

diet fail. :(

i do better today.

midnight quickie

to hold myself more accountable and to annoy you good people just a "little" more, i've decided to chronicle everything i eat on here. unless of course i've over eaten and am just too ashamed to do so. in which case, i will lie.

for today:
1/2 bottle sobe life water(grape!!): 40 calories
1 tomato and lettuce sammach on butter white bread with light mayonnaise: 170 calories
1 special K blueberry bar: 90 calories
1 Smart One beef pot roast with mixed vegetables: 180 calories
aaand lastly:
what i have deemed to be approximately 1 cup of raisin bran: 210 calories

all in all: 690 calories for today.

Man. Who Stank Up The Shitter??

a kid i used to go to school with now works for one of our customers here in shreveport. took me FOREVER to realize who he was. he said he still lives in castor and asked what i'd been up to. i said i'd moved out of saline about two years ago and had bought a "house" and was living up here now. And also that i was waiting for saline to burn to the ground along with everyone in it. i realized as the words were escaping from my mouth, they were the wrong ones to say. i think i offended him. his entire family is from saline and his mom teaches there. she was our school counselor and did business math and business english and that kind of thing. VERY sweet lady. loved her to pieces. aaaaaaanyway, apparently he still has a lot of friends down there. so, great. now i feel like uppity conceited shit. blah. when i realized who it was i screamed "OH, SHIT!! YOU GREW UP!!" he said "yeah.............so did YOU." i'm not sure if that was a fat joke or a pretty joke, so i'm gonna go ahead and take it as the latter. i haven't seen him since like 6th or 7th grade. he hasn't grown any taller and he still has the same tiny nasal voice. so, weird. it's odd to me seeing people i think of as children overweight, dirty, and with facial hair. and by that i mean, the children of my mind have grown into men. actual MEN. tax paying, beard growing, job holding, tobacco spitting, children producing MEN. how can this be?? when did we get so old?? this sent me into raging panic mode. realizing how badly i need to get my tubes tied. and uh, coudja keep those cigarettes and beer away from me, please. oh, gahd. i need to dye my hair, too!! or something....................maybe just start my bleedin'. maybe that would fix this. geigh.