Monday, August 31, 2009

i'll be your pet if you tell me it's a gift

does my ass look big in this picture?? i feel like it does.

i don't think it's any big secret to any one here that i've had problems with depression and anxiety for a long time. i'm actually guessing since age 10-11 if i had to put a finger on it, but if i could pin point it, that might imply there are actually reasons for me being the way that i am. i think we can all agree that i've lived with these problems for way too long to try to fix them naturally now. whatever the case, i've realized i can't live my life this way anymore. i constantly work myself up into worrisome internal tornadoes ending in outbursts of bitchiness, weepiness, migraines, or excessive sleeping. occasionally all four and sometimes extras. for approximately 3 - 4 weeks now, i've had this intense weight in my chest. the intensity varies day by day, but regardless it is ever present. i realized this past friday there may be something extra special about this particular spell when i wanted to literally drive my car off a bridge on the way back to work. i was about to say i'd been having night terrors for about a month now as well, but after a bit of reading i've decided maybe they're just intense night mares. very vivid, lucid, and i often wake up sweating, crying, and/or suffocating. i'm constantly afraid. ehh, i was gonna give examples, but i don't wanna sound like a looney. one of my hugest fears is people being mad at me. daily. these fears run over me in a wave of heat and panic. for example: friday at work, i had an apple for breakfast. it was an old apple and had a dark spot. i took a knife out of the drawer and cut the bad spot out over the bathroom trash can and in a hurry, left it on the sink with apple remnants stuck to it. later that evening on the way to houston, i went into a frenzied panic because i left it on the counter and the lady that works nights would be angry once she saw it there. it's probably her knife anyway and she'll know it was me. she'll KNOW it was me. through a series of phone calls and text messages, the situation was cleared up and i had someone else clean it and return it for me, but by the end of it, i thought my teeth were going to pop out of the right side of my head and my stomach acid may eat it's way through to my intestines. my headache eventually went away later that night, but i'm starting to think i'm developing a stomach ulcer(from a culmination of other things, not just from this one incident). this occurs on a pretty regular basis though normally no one is around to witness it. the cause is always different but the feeling of terror with head and stomach pain is always the same. i feel like my world is on the verge of collapse and regardless of personal circumstance(job security, relationship security, healthier diet, exercise, enough sleep, healthy pets, etc) i can't seem make it stop. i was able to verbalize some of this on friday, which helped TREMENDOUSLY with the weight in my chest, but i still feel like something's gotta give. something major. i talked to my sister, julie, one day last week and i have an appointment set up for this wednesday to see a doctor about possibly getting on anxiety medication. i was thinking depression, but i feel like anxiety probably covers my symptoms better. which is why i'm going to talk to a professional and not simply buying pills off the street. at least this way, my company pays for my drug habit.


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