slap me in my mouth 200 times every other day

on may 16th, (that'd be saturday before last) the rodster and i went to go see Hedwig and the Angry Inch. it was very, very small, but they did an amazing job recreating the story. i didn't start taking pictures until the second half of the show. unfortunately, i didn't get a picture of him wearing The Wig. AND in case you haven't noticed before, the camera on my phone takes hArrible pictures. just harrible. enjoy:




this is just a random band mate she conjured up when they were asking for tips. this was one of the mouths it was going go feed.
this is hedwig and yitzhak. in the movie, yitzhak was a grungy, white trash "gentleman" with a scruffy beard. this person did not even Resemble a man. :: sigh :: guess they got her for her pipes.

yitzhak during "his" solo. terrible, terrible picture. amAzing pipes.
aaaaaaand here we are, realizing oh my god!! yitzhak is actually a woman and hedwig is actually a man. a man with teeny, tiny little chicken legs. but he had stomach fuzz that i could see from 20 feet away without my glasses so i guess it balanced out............a little.
that's all, folks.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

clicking on the title will take you to a nifty little video...i LOVE fiona apple.

PMS emotional train wreck headed your way. consider yourself forewarned. seriously. take heed!!

so. i struggle with my weight. i was a good, steady 127 pounds for years and years. then last year blew through and i finally plateaued out around 150 pounds last spring. i haven't been able to get my weight back down since. i never had this problem before i turned 25. i don't know if this is a direct result of just my body settling itself into its late 20's. maybe it was the freedom of breaking away from an oppressive, abusive, stressful, bulimia inducing relationship. of course i realize my 25th birthday was not until 6 months AFTER the official break up, but 25 pounds must be put on gradually, you understand.

maybe it had something to do with my overweight lovey bucket nephew moving in with me and cooking HUGE pots of pasta and getting his feelings hurt when i wouldn't eat his cooking. and always enticing me into fast food with a bat of the eye and a soft "you wanna go to kfceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??" it got me every time.

regardless, i am where i am however i got here. bloated, squishy, and owning a pair of oddly separated hips. seriously, you should see me naked just to witness this anomaly. i've tried dieting, but temptation always gets the better of me. i've tried exercising, but i slack off the instant i begin to feel healthy and see results. after all, what better way to reward all that hard work than one night splayed out on the couch with a glass of milk and a bowl of double stuffed oreos. right??

i eat less than 1200 calories a day, but that's not seeming to make a difference.

i've tried putting a skinny picture of myself on my refrigerator. all that does is induce a depression attack every time i go there and i wind up hating myself with every bite i take. oh, i still take them, but i can't fully enjoy them.

after i eat, i usually hold my stomach, swear to myself this won't happen again, and begin the self loathing process all over again.

then when i take a bath and have to see myself in her entirety wet and exposed, i hold my stomach, hips, and underboobs and fight back tears as i wash the miles and miles of continuous flesh.

too much?? well, i gave you the disclaimer up front for a reason.

tonight, i started looking up eating disorders to pick up a few "less conventional" weight loss tips. here are some interesting tips that i got from an Ana Mia website, not that i'm interested in becoming friends with ana or mia(again) but these tips are intriging to me nonetheless:

Eat in front of a mirror naked. See how much you can eat then!

Wear perfectly applied lip gloss. It makes you more aware of what's going in your mouth.

When going out, take only the amount of money you'll need. Nothing extra, that way you won't be tempted to spend it on food.(yeah, unless you have a debit card. wtf?? was this written in 1982??)

Have 6 small meals a day. Take 2 apples, and split them so you can make 6 meals out of them. That way your body will be tricked into thinking it's eating more.

Find a buddy onine, and do fasts with them, competitions, or just have someone to email when you're craving.(where the hell do you find one of those??)

Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy, or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get to 100 you will have convinced yourself that you don't really want it.

If you're right handed, eat with your left hand. It will take a lot longer to get the food to your mouth.

Find something that makes you feel ill or unpleasant and think or look at it as you eat. After a while you may begin to associate food itself with unpleasantness.(this is one i've actually done. i may be delving too much into the personal realm here, but when brad and i used to eat, i would concentrate hard on how he used to bitch about his ex wife being so fat. this would curb my appetite greatly. it would ALSO generally give me very severe bathroom problems as well, but that's another story all to itself. moving on.)

Fidgeting burns 500-800 extra calories a day. Suck in your tummy and squeeze your buns, bounce your legs, sway side to side, swing your feet, etc. (i've heard this works. i try to do it myself at work.so far, still 150 pounds.)

Pay attention to when and what you are eating. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to eat this?"

Exchange a bad habit for a good one Exchange eating for yoga, or meditation, or reading more.

Brush your teeth frequently. A fresh mouth helps keep you from wanting to eat.(this definitely works. i can't stand to eat after i've brushed my teeth.)

so, we'll try some of those tips and i'll tell you on june 13th how much i weigh.

on that note, it's VERY late and i have to go to bed. BUT i commend you for hanging in there till the end. most folks wouldn't. :)

good night...

i've seen better days, but i don't care

oasis got my letter in tha maaaaaaail!!


alright folks. next tuesday afternoon, i'm headed off to the boobie doctor again due to a sudden increase in the size, texture, and extreme pain sensitivity of the tumor in my right chesticle. i've looked up a couple pictures of breast cancer on google where i found this one and believe me, you'd rather be looking at this girl. so, i've decided, regardless of what they tell me. whether it turns out it's gone malignant or it's still just a plain little fatty tumor, i'm going to have it removed. my breast hurts like hell 24 hours a day and i want this thing out of me. never before has the tumor itself hurt, but i can't imagine that removing a tumor would do anything but decrease the amount of pain i'm having in the surrounding area. i'll opt to have it removed and then they can hopefully fill me back up with something synthetic. oh, how i hate the thought. ::sigh::

finger's crossed everybody!!

in the old san fransiscoooohh bay ee ay ee ay ee ayyyy

looking for thumbtacks and this is what slaps me in the face when i open the first drawer. i feel like such a dirty bastard. i steal so many spoons they wind up in the dishwasher, my make up bag, and lord have mercy, my underwear drawer.

im having my first man free weekend in a while, so unsure what to do with myself last night i called up my el seestor and asked if my niece could spend the night with me. went and picked her up and we watched baseketball and passed out. this morning we watched stranger than fiction and blood and chocolate. then it was time to take her home. the night seemed so short. took her home and the family had decided to go watch the new star trek movie. it was good. you didn't really sink your teeth into the nostalgia until the second half of the movie when leanard nimoy steps in and explains why the hell the movie isn't making sense with the history of the teevee show. turns out they're in a.....wait a second. have you watched it yet?? bah. then i'll tell you later. BUT i WILL tell you that on their first away mission, they had kirk dressed in blue, sulu dressed in yellow, and an away teem member dressed in red and guess who got killed off first. it was the red one. oh, i snickered my patoot off.

what else happened?? what else?? what else??

OH!!

have i ever spoken of my brother in law?? the husband of my sister?? they have an odd parenting style. i was playing on my phone in the kitchen when i suddenly heard "no, i'm talking to god damned dipshit catey!!" my 7 year old neice who apparently knocked over a stool. shortly thereafter, he told his other 14 year old daughter to get her chubby ass out of his computer chair. then even LATER, i got told to watch my smart ass mouth and that no man will ever marry me with the attitude i have. ahhh. GOD. just can't wait to get married and pop out my first youngin'.

mmmm. can't wait!!

this is my brain and i live in it; it's not perfect but it's mine.

it's where i spend the vast majority of my time. it's not perfect, but it's mine.

for anyone who may not know, whenever my little hex went missing a few weeks ago, she apparently met a boy, did the nasty, and is now carrying his illegitimate seed in her belly. i've been trying to remedy that, but with the cost of various bills, i haven't yet been able to. i recently found a rescue group in shreveport called robinson's rescue. they do low cost spay neuter surgeries. and not just for low income families. they do it for Anyone willing to bring their pet there. awesome, right?? i'd called twice before and their computer was down, but to have my baby's abortion including pain meds, rabies shot, and the scooping was only going to be $60 total. that's amazing!! but like i said their computer was down. i called again today and they said they will not be able to fit her in until june. it seems as though we can't wait that long because it looks like she could blow kittens any day now.

so, i started calling around to other vets in that general area. vet#1 did not answer the phone. vet#2 went to their voicemail. vet# 3 will not be able to get me in until next friday. vet#4 put me on hold and never returned. vet #5 said their basic surgery package was $199.95 and the termination fee was an additional $82. i promptly peed my pants.

how much "should" it cost to kill kittens these days?? seriously. maybe we wouldn't have the severe pet overpopulation problem we have in this country if more people could afford to spay and neuter their pets. that's insane. it'd be cheaper to just let her give birth to them, take them to the pound, and let THEM kill them. or perhaps have them get adopted because they're tiny and cute over an adult cat whose been patiently waiting their turn and is euthanized instead. that just seems wrong to me. i understand that veterinarians went to school to get a career and make money, but sometimes greed is just greed. poor people like cats and dogs, too and would probably(for some people) would take better care of them if they had a little help financially. they do this for poor people who have children all the time. as a matter of fact, i learned today that to have a human abortion costs roughly 400-600 dollars. i found out a while back the girl i work with had her baby with our insurance for $250 flat. done. 250.

it's cheaper to breed!! so, what is probably going to happen is i am going to suck up my pride and take her down to my current vet and take the ass raping of $180 to let them spay her there which should take them about 15-20 minutes.

the world is so backwards to me sometimes.