Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

clicking on the title will take you to a nifty little video...i LOVE fiona apple.

PMS emotional train wreck headed your way. consider yourself forewarned. seriously. take heed!!

so. i struggle with my weight. i was a good, steady 127 pounds for years and years. then last year blew through and i finally plateaued out around 150 pounds last spring. i haven't been able to get my weight back down since. i never had this problem before i turned 25. i don't know if this is a direct result of just my body settling itself into its late 20's. maybe it was the freedom of breaking away from an oppressive, abusive, stressful, bulimia inducing relationship. of course i realize my 25th birthday was not until 6 months AFTER the official break up, but 25 pounds must be put on gradually, you understand.

maybe it had something to do with my overweight lovey bucket nephew moving in with me and cooking HUGE pots of pasta and getting his feelings hurt when i wouldn't eat his cooking. and always enticing me into fast food with a bat of the eye and a soft "you wanna go to kfceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??" it got me every time.

regardless, i am where i am however i got here. bloated, squishy, and owning a pair of oddly separated hips. seriously, you should see me naked just to witness this anomaly. i've tried dieting, but temptation always gets the better of me. i've tried exercising, but i slack off the instant i begin to feel healthy and see results. after all, what better way to reward all that hard work than one night splayed out on the couch with a glass of milk and a bowl of double stuffed oreos. right??

i eat less than 1200 calories a day, but that's not seeming to make a difference.

i've tried putting a skinny picture of myself on my refrigerator. all that does is induce a depression attack every time i go there and i wind up hating myself with every bite i take. oh, i still take them, but i can't fully enjoy them.

after i eat, i usually hold my stomach, swear to myself this won't happen again, and begin the self loathing process all over again.

then when i take a bath and have to see myself in her entirety wet and exposed, i hold my stomach, hips, and underboobs and fight back tears as i wash the miles and miles of continuous flesh.

too much?? well, i gave you the disclaimer up front for a reason.

tonight, i started looking up eating disorders to pick up a few "less conventional" weight loss tips. here are some interesting tips that i got from an Ana Mia website, not that i'm interested in becoming friends with ana or mia(again) but these tips are intriging to me nonetheless:

Eat in front of a mirror naked. See how much you can eat then!

Wear perfectly applied lip gloss. It makes you more aware of what's going in your mouth.

When going out, take only the amount of money you'll need. Nothing extra, that way you won't be tempted to spend it on food.(yeah, unless you have a debit card. wtf?? was this written in 1982??)

Have 6 small meals a day. Take 2 apples, and split them so you can make 6 meals out of them. That way your body will be tricked into thinking it's eating more.

Find a buddy onine, and do fasts with them, competitions, or just have someone to email when you're craving.(where the hell do you find one of those??)

Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy, or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get to 100 you will have convinced yourself that you don't really want it.

If you're right handed, eat with your left hand. It will take a lot longer to get the food to your mouth.

Find something that makes you feel ill or unpleasant and think or look at it as you eat. After a while you may begin to associate food itself with unpleasantness.(this is one i've actually done. i may be delving too much into the personal realm here, but when brad and i used to eat, i would concentrate hard on how he used to bitch about his ex wife being so fat. this would curb my appetite greatly. it would ALSO generally give me very severe bathroom problems as well, but that's another story all to itself. moving on.)

Fidgeting burns 500-800 extra calories a day. Suck in your tummy and squeeze your buns, bounce your legs, sway side to side, swing your feet, etc. (i've heard this works. i try to do it myself at work.so far, still 150 pounds.)

Pay attention to when and what you are eating. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to eat this?"

Exchange a bad habit for a good one Exchange eating for yoga, or meditation, or reading more.

Brush your teeth frequently. A fresh mouth helps keep you from wanting to eat.(this definitely works. i can't stand to eat after i've brushed my teeth.)

so, we'll try some of those tips and i'll tell you on june 13th how much i weigh.

on that note, it's VERY late and i have to go to bed. BUT i commend you for hanging in there till the end. most folks wouldn't. :)

good night...