Forever Jrunk Jane

It's Saturday night. I'm (very) drunk, as per usual. I've become a big fat fatty in the past few years (above pic is OLD me) and I'm trying to figure out what to do to change that. "stop eating" or "put down the fork" aren't as helpful as you may think, despite their popularity. I've gotten into this habit when I eat, I swear to God, I black out for a minute. It's like "oh, well I've gotta eat!" and I just shovel and shovel and shovel until whatever I have in front of me is gone....or until I get the urge to vomit and I realize what I've done. I don't seem to have a consciousness of what's going on while it's actually happening.

I never had a weight problem when I was younger. Around 24, I think, I broke up with my horrid boyfriend who kept me in the bathroom (anorexia + bulimia) and moved in with an overweight nephew who opened me up to a whole new world of eating for fun without getting sick because there was no depression / anxiety there to hold me back. I was hooked. 

Since then, I've been see sawing back and forth between legitimately hot and just blobby. I'm currently very, very blobby. I want to say it mostly happens when I get drunk. Honestly, drinking certainly does add fuel to my fat fire, but that's not fair. I eat. Continuously.

Rodney (boyfriend) bought a power rack about a month ago. I've either maintained or gained weight since we started. (side note: I currently squat 75, bench 65, and can dead lift 135 RRRAAAAHHHH) Even though I've been actively burning more calories, since I've been working out, I've been hungrier. WAY hungrier. Which is dangerous in itself for a person like me. Because I already can't control myself.

It's frustrating. It leaves me in some weird middle ground. I guess what it ultimately boils down to is "I have no self control" and I want that. I had an epiphany the other day. Kind of. I'm constantly flooded with epiphanies I do nothing about. But I no longer want to live the way I have been. I'm a hoarder, I'm a junk junk junkie. My house is disgusting. My car is worse. My boyfriend is constantly on the verge of kicking me out (I think) because I can't "woman" properly and our house is a pig sty.

SO!! In the past few days, I've been making a conscious effort to be cleaner. I bathe almost every day now. (every 2 - 3 days was my normal routine; longer if I took whores' baths in the sink, just for honesty's sake). I've been trying to keep the dishes washed, sans the pans because Jesus Christ I hate washing a god damn pan. I've been keeping the litter boxes mostly scooped. I've made the bed every single day this week. I've kept the bedroom vacuumed so my poor boyfriend can sleep in the bed instead of on the couch, where he's lived for the past 2 years. (I know, right?)

I'm just sick of being the person I am. Bulldozing through each day, so I'm changing. So far, I'm pretty happy with the new found energy I've gotten from working out. It still leaves me with this constant extreme hunger, though. And I've got to find a way to tackle that since part of what I'm unhappy with myself stems from my general unhealthiness.

I seem to have reached a point to which English no longer makes sense to me. But here's to me and my future hot self. It's all about baby steps in creating a better life. Here we go!!

i am an animal person

i don't mean to be...but i am. i have been as long as i remember and i hope i always will be for as long as i'm physically here. i wonder if that's a deal breaker.

i'm also a non cleaning person. i've gotten better over the past year. but i think i'm the only one who's noticed, so maybe i haven't really gotten that much better. i'm not a fan of bathing unless it's required or i've gotten past the point of too gross. i'm also a hoarder. i collect things. i collect small broken toys. i collect cute clothes that don't fit. i collect candles. i collect things i hate simply based on their color, and discard some things in the same fashion. i obsess about strange things like post apocalyptic breeding compounds i fear i will be enslaved in. i worry about accidental time travel or swapping bodies with someone, specifically with someone i dislike. i drink a lot. the older i get, the more i drink. for as much as i actually intake these days, i feel like i should be more ashamed/embarrassed. maybe i just haven't made it to "that" point yet. i'm sure i'll get there one day. i hate the idea of eating meat. i LOVE the flavor that comes along with eating meat. if i am ever single again, i'd like to try veganism. breasts make me angry. especially breasts that resemble mine, only larger. i think about death/dying/afterlife nearly every waking hour of my day. if you let me, i'll talk about it. i am conceited about my looks, but have surprisingly low self esteem. i adore looking at myself in the mirror, but fear everyone else sees me as a hideous mal-shapen freak with a non symmetrical crusty face and a repulsive breast to stomach ratio. i used to enjoy writing, but got sick to my stomach at the thought of someone else reading it, so i always deleted it or threw it away. i'm terrible at everything i try, so i've become a career couch potato. i feel like i've gotten off topic. my point is: i'm no prize. i wonder which of these things...or which combination...will ultimately make me die a lonely shriveled up old maid.

we'll see!

Hi there

Miss you.

I've recently moved to http://idreamofcows.com/ but it just isn't the same. There was a certain anonymity I felt here in the void. Also a complete free range to run as rampantly depressed/psychotic as I wanted. But. I do dream of cows and that is where I write now. Just wanted to pop in since I haven't been here in so long. God forbid anybody still reads this thing, check out my new blog, it's slowly becoming more Jane, but I'm not quite there yet.

G'night lost souls.......................

i dream of cows

.com

idreamofcows.com

kites

i have so many thoughts overlapping each other, i can barely remember how to formulate comprehensible english. i wonder. why do people believe in God? because he's real? for convenience? for necessity? is it possible i hit my mid life crises before i even turned 30? one of the overwhelming things on my mind these days is the disappointment in the person i've become and what's to happen when that disappointing person hits her expiration date? really, what happens? i've taken to alot of soul searching recently about how i feel about the magic santa that lives in the clouds. the jolly ole soul who lives in the sky and passes out treats and spankings like some sadistic micromanaging preschool teacher. you gave the poor your bread? it will rain 2 good days on your crop this season. you said a curse word? leprosy for you! really? why is leprosy not capitalized? i did spell check and everything. it's a proper noun, right? the official name of a disease? well, i guess they don't capitalize cancer.....but that's pretty generic. i feel like leprosy should be with a big L...................coming back down from space. anyway. my point is, for all these people who live in our modern, unmiricalized time, why do they believe in God or the possibility of the hereafter? there is NO evidence in the entirety of history that there has ever been one incidence of legitimate recorded PROOF that life exists after death. none. who's to say this jesus fellow did? he didn't have a guard in the tomb. what if he really was the great magician and bored a hole out one side of the tomb after the guys thought they'd sealed it. i mean before. like had someone do it before the crucifixion. you get what i'm trying to say here. what if he rigged an escape? what if he was one of those people who study how to slow your heart rate so people will think you're dead? just realized i could go off on a huge tyraid on that one. now that i'm dating a magician. i've been having panic attacks on a fairly regular basis lately that all stem from the fear of the moment that i have to go from total consciousness to the POSSIBILITY of the total and complete lack of consciousness from here on after. never again having a single thought or memory. the total and utter lack of existence. the only thing i keep thinking that gives me some scientific comfort is the fact that energy doesn't die, it only changes. it adjusts it's form. what if there is no heaven or hell. no ghosts, no angels, no demons. no spirits of any sort. your electrical impulses simply slip out into the air and rejoin the infinite ocean of energy. that pulses through everything, living and slightly more devoid of energy than the aforementioned "living". like maybe some kind of more advanced form of consciousness, like beyond consciousness into just "being". i got lost in a tangent and wildly romanticized that. trying to look at it that way is really the only way i can make myself come back down off the repeated panic attacks of realizing this will one day happen and there is no way, no single possibility under the sun for me to do a single thing about it. one way or the other, i'm going to die. i spend my whole life worrying about teensy detail after ridiculous detail on how to control my life. even if it's not the bigger picture of what i would have preferred happen, i can still control the general flow of my life. no surprises, no excitement, no new nothing....just existing as this. this person, this is who i am. this this this this this. she likes this kind of food, she wears these kind of clothes. she likes this kind of music. she may "want" to like this other music, but she's not allowed to because she's not that person.

i live in a very strict existence box. then why does it bother me so badly that i may not exist if this is all i'm going to do with it? i wish i even had a pretend decent answer for that. it's still mine. even if i hide it away in my closet, the existence is still mine...ya know?

is the reason we have deities because none of us can bear the literal thought of being faced with an eternity of nothing? is it just too hard to swallow so some survival mechanism in our brain forces us into believing death isn't the end? because if it "really" wasn't the end, there would be no legitimate reason for living and there is no good and there is no evil because there is no reward and there is no punishment. there only is and then is not. you would be 100% free to be completely the person you wanted to be....assuming you were strong enough to escape the wrath of all those rapists and cannibals what not. bah. where was i going? my preposterously wompyjawed point is, i think human kind, in whatever evolutionary triumph or failure has become dependent on the thought of having at least some control and can't fathom the literal idea of no possibility of it....such as nonexistence. or lack of some sort of universal balance. rewards, punishments, reincarnation. something. the possibility of no possibility is more than most people can bear............

or at least more than i can.

i'm going to bed.

Fuck My Life

we've been living in our new apartment exactly one month today. since we've moved in, there's been a bound charred murdered body discovered at our complex, an invasion of centipedes, and now a break in of my car. i was about to leave to go to work this morning when lo' and behold, one of the back glasses on my car had been busted out. my trunk was popped and my glove compartment hanging open. i searched through everything and only my GPS and cell phone charger are missing. my computer crap is still there. my checkbook that i have in my glove compartment is still there. my cds are all still there as well as my dvds. old broken laptop and multiple computer keyboards are still there, too. #1 i keep my car so packed with crap you couldn't even see the GPS. i basically drive a dumpster on wheels. seriously, who would take a look at my car and say "ooh!! i wanna see what's in that!!" #2 even if they did see my car as maybe low threat due to low value, WHY would you not steal the other stuff, too? why wouldn't you take the lap top and cds and movies and computer accessories? why? guess that goes to show that at least SOME education is required to make any real money.

amateurs.

wellbutrin withdrawals

wednesday night, after a particularly anger inducing day at work, i got a MASSIVE headache. it started, as usual, in my right sinus, moving it's way through my upper right teeth, up behind my right eye, and coming painfully to rest in the top of my right temple. it was a migraine among migraines. a migraine to be remembered. it was so intense i lost my sense of self and just retreated into my brain, confused, and blindly following an invisible red/orange path of blinding pain as it ran through the synapses of my innermost brain. it hurt so, soooo badly. i laid there and politely tried not to beg for death, for to do so would be rude and disrespectful. the next day i woke up to (almost literally) blinding pain. i got dressed, wasted the appropriate amount of face paint, drove about a half a mile to work, and called in sick. i fumbled back up stairs, snatched off my pants/shoes with a quickness, and promptly went back to sleep. i woke up periodically to pee and stagger back to bed and prayed for sleep before my eyeballs started bleeding. i finally woke up around noon and shuffled in a very Igoresque fashion over to the computer and finally scheduled an appointment with a headache specialist in houston. i spent the rest of the day slowly meandering around the apartment and trying not to move my eyes too quickly and avoiding vomiting. friday morning i woke up and headed to work. generally speaking, i have BAD issues with anxiety and general fear of everyone and everything i come in contact with on a day to day basis. i felt nothing. literally nothing. a slight sense of confusion and an overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility. i was not afraid driving in downtown traffic. i was not afraid to walk through the parking lot at work. i was not afraid walking in front of the trucks waiting to leave. i was not afraid to say good morning to tamalia at the front desk. i didn't get sick or excited when i opened my email. one of the girls came up to me in a panic and told me she hated it here because everyone is bitches (everyone Are bitches? everyone is a bitch? hmm.) and i said "no, no...what's wrong?" all i could think was "dude, i am NOT the person you wanna have this conversation with right now." she's awesome, and the only person at work i relate to, so i definitely don't want my new email buddy to leave, but i just couldn't grasp the concept of hating your job. or hating anything. or loving anything......so, for the past 3 days, i've been living in a world of otherworldly awkwardness and confusion. the only thing that's been on my mind has been the ever present threat of death. not in a fearful manner, just an aware manner. i'd finally convinced myself i actually did have a stroke and this is what the aftermath is going to be like. another 30 years of confusion and frustration. rodney and i were talking about it tonight because i finally got the balls to mention it. he said "so, when's the last time you took your wellbutrin?" i haven't taken it since the first day i had my migraine because i felt so nauseous, i didn't wanna put ANYTHING in my stomach. after a good scoffing and a bit of internet research, turns out you can't quit wellbutrin cold turkey and you have to ween yourself off. otherwise, you could face some debilitating side effects. see here. the lists includes, but is not limited to: Anxiety Dizziness Fatigue Vertigo Gait disturbances Visual hallucinations Headache Nausea Diarrhea Blurred vision Sweating Fever Abdominal discomfort Nightmares Vivid dreams general malaise Anorexia, Confusion Memory and concentration difficulties Chills and hot flashes Suicidal thoughts Lethargy Weakness so, yeah. perhaps i'm not dying after all. i hurt too badly the first day and didn't wanna take it, the second day i felt too calm to need it and today i've spent the majority of it unconscious and having some bad ASS dreams. not nightmares, but beyond vivid. i think i was physically transported to another fully conscious physical realm for a few hours. hoooo. after this talk, i restarted my medication and we'll see if i'm not back to being a normal person tomorrow....proverbial fingers crossed!!