Friday, January 29, 2010

i can't trap a mouse, but i can pet a cat

no. i'm really serious. i'm really very good at that.

guess which one i am?? right. the one in all black and the least happy to be in this picture. this is my "for the love of buddha, hurry up and take this picture. you can see my teeth!!!" pose.

after consuming many, many alcoholic drinks tonight, it has come to my attention that the incredible age difference between my sisters and i will forever keep us from sharing things we would normally share if we were say NOT so torn apart by incredible age differences. for instance, my sisters, who were WILD AND CRAZY!!!! in their youths, have now settled down and think everything i do is just "because i'm young" and "because i don't know any better' and because "one of the cats just shit in the hallway" good god almighty, does anyone smell that but me?? jeebus cripes. hoo. anyway. i will never be able to go drinking with my sisters. even if we are past the bar age, we will never be able to drink a drink together at home because my sisters have learned the dangers of alcohol and are waaaaaay too mature to do that sort of juvenile thing now. we will never be able to openly discuss sex. what i get now is "oh my goodness no, i don't know what you're talking about!! i wish you two would just get married, then maybe i would be able to relate" give or take actual quotations. it saddens me that my sisters grew up together and experienced singlehood (i mean unmarriedness) together and i will not. i was recently told ... hold on ... let me find it... here we are "i love how you think everyone else is a yard stick you have to measure yourself by". which is the sad sad truth. i feel like i am missing out for not having sisters i can actually relate to. ignoring the fact that there are millions of "only children" that will never get to experience the joy of "fellowship" i get to experience at family functions, albeit from the side lines. perhaps i'm not meant to be exactly like julie or exactly like johnette or deedee or laverne. perhaps i am just meant to be like jane. just jane. and only jane. maybe i am supposed to act this way because i DO have ocd. the person inside of me enjoys counting even numbers. the person inside of me enjoys collecting spoons. the person inside of me thinks that something with the capability of experiencing fear shouldn't have to die because i decide to get the munchies at 2 am. so i don't want to eat meat? fuck me, really???? is it THAT big of a deal?? is it any bigger deal than people who don't enjoy most vegetables?? why do i have to constantly feel guilty and apologize for that?? christ. the person inside of me doesn't want my best friend to go down the list of exboyfriends and fuck them one by one. why am i so willing to say that to every one but her?? the person inside of me genuinely enjoys folk music. i dream of walking barefoot, bra less, in a flowey skirt on the river front listening to people play banjos and guitars and other musical instruments and sing about things that they "feel". i want to smoke marijuana and open my mind (but am currently unable to due to employment restraints so for the time being alcohol will just have to do). i want to tell the world the cute things my cats do. I ENJOY WATCHING CAT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE!!! i hate shaving my legs. i LOVE the missionary position during sex. does that make me mundane?? i don't know, but i LOVE it. i enjoy taking up the interests of others in an effort to feel closer to them. why do i love zombies??? because rodney loves zombies. and i truly have taken them to heart. currently writing a zombie short story actually. had always been more of a vampire girl myself. (turns out zombies have more intricate details to be written about) I HAVE HERPES. right, i have cold sores due to no fault of my own. had them my entire life. i sweat more than your average person. this is most likely due to the abnormally large amount of worry and stress i endure on a daily basis. i enjoy sitting outside in the rain, regardless of how stupid it looks. i love it. i don't do it anymore because of male criticism, but i LOVE it. feels like nature is playing a friendly game with me and is daring me to play back. i like to dance like a stripper in my bathroom when i'm alone. i have ZERO rhythm, but i enjoy it and it works my abs and legs. no wonder strippers are in such good shape. you get to exercise at work all day. I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!! even a girl, yeah, i enjoy my fun parts just as much as a guy does!!! i like my boobs!!! i feel guilty for liking my boobs because they are not your typical boobs and they are not the boobs seen in the rest of the picture above, but they get the job done and they're the perfect carry on size. they'll never give me back problems and they're just enough to be fun, but not enough to be in the way. they're perfect and i love 'em, but i'm afraid everyone else will not. so, it makes me apologize for not being the standard. (they are nice. nice in a way like snickers are your favorite candy bar and someone just handed you a snickers fun size...kind of like that)I LIKE MY FUCKING WEIGHT. despite how guilty i feel about how i do not LOOK quite as cute as i used to look and may not be as charming in bed as skinny jane was. i feel i am at a point now where i am healthy, i look pretty good in clothes and i do not vomit constantly. i can actually genuinely enjoy food. back when i was all petite and cute, i ate once a day, if that and i was constantly throwing up and never really enjoyed what i ate. i hope brad dison dies from aids and rots in hell. i love working with industrial men. it makes me feel grounded. alot them are older and honestly it reminds me of my dad sometimes. my dad is old and likes to bitch and raise hell, but doesn't really mean it. just the way old men workers are....if that came out right. i enjoy my writing style. i constantly apologize for it, but i go back and read my old entries and laugh at them constantly. i love the way i write. i love my poetry. my stupid, childish poetry. i love it. it amuses me every time. i love the way that i sing. i can't sing "on key" per say, but i love the way i sing. given enough practice on a road trip, i can do a dead on amanda palmer impersonation. i don't know what exactly keeps me from just being me on a day to day basis. i'm constantly terrified of offended someone or not being exactly what they expect me to me. i'm constantly afraid i'm annoying someone. i'm constantly afraid i'm getting in someone's way. why do i not allow myself to just be the person i am when i'm alone...around everyone else?? i constantly feel like i'm not living up to anyone's expectations and it's my job to apologize for it and reassure you, I AM SORRY FOR THE WAY I AM.

ah well.

it's 3 am and i gotta go to work in a few hours......

i learned the beginning of twinkle twinkle little star today. :)


Blogger Jane Q Doe said...

oh my. didn't realize it was this long when i posted. yeesh....

Friday, January 29, 2010 12:09:00 PM  

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