i'm a million different people from one end to the next; i can't change

i had planned to write a depressing blog about how everybody hates me and i'm a loser and i'm miserable and blah blah blah, but i'm too tightly wrapped up in my own little world of misery to allow you inside or articulate the details. so, instead!!

i've developed an obsession with food lately. all i do online anymore is look up new healthy recipes. #1) i'm overweight. i have been for nearly 2 years now and i can seem to make it just go away. #2) i'm unhealthy. by the time my parents got around to me, the ninth child, i feel like they were just worn out. and i'm far, FAR too manipulative to actually have to eat what my mother gave me. i always wound up with what i wanted regardless of what the rest of them had for dinner. oh, it may take a couple hours, but perseverance wins the race. #3) i'm trying to impress a boy. i think that says enough for itself. who ultimately wants a woman who can't cook?? or sew on a button?? i haven't gotten quite that far yet. god damned buttons. all men should just wear zippers. #4) i'm growing up. i'm 26 now. it's about time i started acting like it, right?? i can't hit 30 and still be eating beanie weinies and macaroni and cheese. when does the growing up period actually start?? because, as mentioned in the previous post, i'm having a hard time finding it. #5) i'm obsessive compulsive. i MUST have something to obsess over. this is at least something healthy and moderately constructive to obsess over. better this than whose mad at me, what bills i will not be able to pay in decemeber, and what reaction i'm going to have when my boyfriend finally spills that he's been cheating on me and has hated me the whole time and has been working for a way to permanently embarrass me over the internet. now, i *STILL* obsess about all these things, but i'm trying to let my focus reside over the food.

in my quest for healthier food, among other moral tenderhearted reasons, i've become very interested in vegetarianism. i don't know if i'll ever make that final leap to veganism, but we'll leave that goal further down the road for now. i can only worry about so many things at once. i've looked up TONS of information on healthy eating, nutrition sources, dangers of different foods. on this quest, i obviously stumbled upon many, MANY vegetarian sites warning of the dangers of eating meat. not to say that i don't eat meat, because quite obviously i do. i don't wanna come off as *too* big of a hypocrite here. i've got non organic chicken breasts in my freezer right now which i have every intention in the world of eating. pizza hut's spicy asian chicken wings might just be my favorite food on earth. literally. i've even got hot dogs in my fridge. though i'm actually almost afraid to eat them now that i know more about them. the things i've learned about hot dogs. hoo. so, yeah. as it turns out, like 90 something percent of the cholesterol you take in is from animal products. joo know that?? i really didn't. i thought it was in all food.

ehh. i was recently distracted by a greeter at my door. come to bring me a diabetic cook book i just ordered as a matter of fact. lost my train of writing thought. um. um. um. the picture above is actually from a land o'lakes dairy farm. it's a sick cow they prodded back up to get her back into the milking line. i've actually found MANY of pictures very similar to this taken from land o'lakes dairy farms. guess who's not buying land o'lakes anymore?? i realize that meat and animal products have been a part of human civilization since it's beginning, but i'm starting to think that maybe what we've grow accustomed to here in our modern society is a much lower grade of meat and other byproducts. a large portion derived from animals that are sick or ailing. if you went to someone's farm and asked for a leg of beef, you wouldn't first walk up to the skinny, balding, snotting cow and say "ooh, i'd like that one." but these aren't discarded in the meat line at the slaughter houses. this scares me. i don't like the idea of eating meat that would've died very shortly thereafter had it not been put out of it's misery. that just doesn't happen in nature. well, except of course for the scavengers like buzzard, hyenas, and the like. hopefully, you're getting my point. it's not that i think that everyone who eats meat is gonna die and go to hell or anything like that. it's just that the more knowledgeable i get, the more natural meat i'd rather eat, if i eat any at all. hopefully, i'll be able to get my hands on some deer meat now that it's almost hunting season. 100% organic there. free grazer it's entire life and has been allowed to roam and live freely until the end. seems more, i dunno, poetic that way?? noble?? fair?? don't condemn me just yet as one of "those" people. ehh, i'm getting there. i haven't made it there yet, but i'm working on it. :)