FAT AND CLUMSY

long time no read. i know. my bad and what not.

i am, in fact, still alive. contrary to recent suspicions. although, i've been wondering lately if someone above may have it out for me.

last tuesday, a monsoon came through my town. A MONSOOOOOOOOON, i tell ya. my good sense told me to stay indoors, but hunger having the persuasive powers that it does, i gathered myself and my nephew and headed to the local kentucky fried chicken (with a minor detour by le blockbuster). after renting 6 delightful selections, we headed down benton rd. you know where that's at?? good. we got about halfway down the road and the car started listing lazily to the left(or, in fact, the right) and we eventually coasted into the curb in front of the kroger parking lot and stopped. the nephew opened his door and kerplunked his foot into about a foot and a half of water. i thought "hmm" and looked out my window and the amazingly high tide that was hanging around my side of the car. i, retardedly, opened my door as well and was greeted with the entirety of the red river. i SCREAMED and closed my door. then the panic ensued. i started to hyperventilate and was then asked to step away from the floating vehicle. after i was carried to dry land of course, then i was asked to back away while the men did their job. i went to talk to the mr. serve and protect police officer down the street who had come to ward off traffic or...................... whatever it is they do. i told him what happened and asked what i was supposed to do, and he shrugged "uh-mm-uh""you should prolly call a tow truck or som'thin'" and rolled his window back up as to avoid getting sprinkled on. so, the rest of it i'll shorten: too many other cars here flooded to make mine any kind of priority at all since mine would actually crank. sooooo, my car proceeded to smell like rotten death and i eventually got my rental SUV on friday making for a hell of a training lesson in "backing up". havent hit anyone so far.

last night, i spent the night with the bradford so we could go watch the new indiana jones movie. (excellent, by the way) and after returning home, he sprayed the hardwood bedroom floor for fleas because he has TRILLIONS. this is, of course, entirely my fault as only 1 of the animals there are actually his. eh, this is not the point. the point is, after finishing my huge bowl of orange sherbet and sunny d(bad combination) i stepped off the bed and oh so gracefully, completely busted my ass. my right foot went under the bed, bruising hell out of my shin and cutting my foot. my left foot took flight, i dont know where it went. i still havent found it. my entire 150 pound frame came crashing down on 1 square inch of ass bone and my left shoulder hit the blanket trunk.

fucking ow.

oh, crap. supper's done!!