what i really meant to say was i'm sorry for the way i am; i never meant to be so cold

so, as it turns out, my father did not have a heart attack. he had blood clots in his lungs causing his severe shortness of breath. those blood clots came up from his legs. he's on a strong blood thinner and has to stay immobile for the next three days or so to prevent a blood clot escaping and going to his brain, also known as having a stroke.

my sister called me today to check on some lost mail and asked if i had talked to my mom at all. i hadnt. so, she told me they had decided to take his kidney. ??? kidney, i ask? yeah, even though the cancer was localized, they decided it'd be best to take the whole thing. ??? cancer, i ask? yeah, they found a one inch by one inch square of cancer on the back of one of his kidneys.

so...yeah. i'm in a weird spot. i dont know what to say about the way i feel about this. i love my dad to death, but we fight and dont get along. my overall impression of this man is that he's old, grumpy, and doesnt treat my mother the way i think he should. but there's a possibility i may not have him to fight with much longer, not that i think anything bad's gonna come of this, because i dont get that feeling, but i just feel generally awkward and suddenly like a really, really, really shitty kid.

i dont know...