void

i am an animal person

2011-12-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

i don't mean to be...but i am. i have been as long as i remember and i hope i always will be for as long as i'm physically here. i wonder if that's a deal breaker.

i'm also a non cleaning person. i've gotten better over the past year. but i think i'm the only one who's noticed, so maybe i haven't really gotten that much better. i'm not a fan of bathing unless it's required or i've gotten past the point of too gross. i'm also a hoarder. i collect things. i collect small broken toys. i collect cute clothes that don't fit. i collect candles. i collect things i hate simply based on their color, and discard some things in the same fashion. i obsess about strange things like post apocalyptic breeding compounds i fear i will be enslaved in. i worry about accidental time travel or swapping bodies with someone, specifically with someone i dislike. i drink a lot. the older i get, the more i drink. for as much as i actually intake these days, i feel like i should be more ashamed/embarrassed. maybe i just haven't made it to "that" point yet. i'm sure i'll get there one day. i hate the idea of eating meat. i LOVE the flavor that comes along with eating meat. if i am ever single again, i'd like to try veganism. breasts make me angry. especially breasts that resemble mine, only larger. i think about death/dying/afterlife nearly every waking hour of my day. if you let me, i'll talk about it. i am conceited about my looks, but have surprisingly low self esteem. i adore looking at myself in the mirror, but fear everyone else sees me as a hideous mal-shapen freak with a non symmetrical crusty face and a repulsive breast to stomach ratio. i used to enjoy writing, but got sick to my stomach at the thought of someone else reading it, so i always deleted it or threw it away. i'm terrible at everything i try, so i've become a career couch potato. i feel like i've gotten off topic. my point is: i'm no prize. i wonder which of these things...or which combination...will ultimately make me die a lonely shriveled up old maid.

we'll see!

Hi there

2011-02-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

Miss you.

I've recently moved to http://idreamofcows.com/ but it just isn't the same. There was a certain anonymity I felt here in the void. Also a complete free range to run as rampantly depressed/psychotic as I wanted. But. I do dream of cows and that is where I write now. Just wanted to pop in since I haven't been here in so long. God forbid anybody still reads this thing, check out my new blog, it's slowly becoming more Jane, but I'm not quite there yet.

G'night lost souls.......................

i dream of cows

2010-10-30T13:58:00.001-07:00

.com

idreamofcows.com

kites

2010-07-12T21:36:00.001-07:00

i have so many thoughts overlapping each other, i can barely remember how to formulate comprehensible english. i wonder. why do people believe in God? because he's real? for convenience? for necessity? is it possible i hit my mid life crises before i even turned 30? one of the overwhelming things on my mind these days is the disappointment in the person i've become and what's to happen when that disappointing person hits her expiration date? really, what happens? i've taken to alot of soul searching recently about how i feel about the magic santa that lives in the clouds. the jolly ole soul who lives in the sky and passes out treats and spankings like some sadistic micromanaging preschool teacher. you gave the poor your bread? it will rain 2 good days on your crop this season. you said a curse word? leprosy for you! really? why is leprosy not capitalized? i did spell check and everything. it's a proper noun, right? the official name of a disease? well, i guess they don't capitalize cancer.....but that's pretty generic. i feel like leprosy should be with a big L...................coming back down from space. anyway. my point is, for all these people who live in our modern, unmiricalized time, why do they believe in God or the possibility of the hereafter? there is NO evidence in the entirety of history that there has ever been one incidence of legitimate recorded PROOF that life exists after death. none. who's to say this jesus fellow did? he didn't have a guard in the tomb. what if he really was the great magician and bored a hole out one side of the tomb after the guys thought they'd sealed it. i mean before. like had someone do it before the crucifixion. you get what i'm trying to say here. what if he rigged an escape? what if he was one of those people who study how to slow your heart rate so people will think you're dead? just realized i could go off on a huge tyraid on that one. now that i'm dating a magician. i've been having panic attacks on a fairly regular basis lately that all stem from the fear of the moment that i have to go from total consciousness to the POSSIBILITY of the total and complete lack of consciousness from here on after. never again having a single thought or memory. the total and utter lack of existence. the only thing i keep thinking that gives me some scientific comfort is the fact that energy doesn't die, it only changes. it adjusts it's form. what if there is no heaven or hell. no ghosts, no angels, no demons. no spirits of any sort. your electrical impulses simply slip out into the air and rejoin the infinite ocean of energy. that pulses through everything, living and slightly more devoid of energy than the aforementioned "living". like maybe some kind of more advanced form of consciousness, like beyond consciousness into just "being". i got lost in a tangent and wildly romanticized that. trying to look at it that way is really the only way i can make myself come back down off the repeated panic attacks of realizing this will one day happen and there is no way, no single possibility under the sun for me to do a single thing about it. one way or the other, i'm going to die. i spend my whole life worrying about teensy detail after ridiculous detail on how to control my life. even if it's not the bigger picture of what i would have preferred happen, i can still control the general flow of my life. no surprises, no excitement, no new nothing....just existing as this. this person, this is who i am. this this this this this. she likes this kind of food, she wears these kind of clothes. she likes this kind of music. she may "want" to like this other music, but she's not allowed to because she's not that person.

i live in a very strict existence box. then why does it bother me so badly that i may not exist if this is all i'm going to do with it? i wish i even had a pretend decent answer for that. it's still mine. even if i hide it away in my closet, the existence is still mine...ya know?

is the reason we have deities because none of us can bear the literal thought of being faced with an eternity of nothing? is it just too hard to swallow so some survival mechanism in our brain forces us into believing death isn't the end? because if it "really" wasn't the end, there would be no legitimate reason for living and there is no good and there is no evil because there is no reward and there is no punishment. there only is and then is not. you would be 100% free to be completely the person you wanted to be....assuming you were strong enough to escape the wrath of all those rapists and cannibals what not. bah. where was i going? my preposterously wompyjawed point is, i think human kind, in whatever evolutionary triumph or failure has become dependent on the thought of having at least some control and can't fathom the literal idea of no possibility of it....such as nonexistence. or lack of some sort of universal balance. rewards, punishments, reincarnation. something. the possibility of no possibility is more than most people can bear............

or at least more than i can.

i'm going to bed.

Fuck My Life

2010-06-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

we've been living in our new apartment exactly one month today. since we've moved in, there's been a bound charred murdered body discovered at our complex, an invasion of centipedes, and now a break in of my car. i was about to leave to go to work this morning when lo' and behold, one of the back glasses on my car had been busted out. my trunk was popped and my glove compartment hanging open. i searched through everything and only my GPS and cell phone charger are missing. my computer crap is still there. my checkbook that i have in my glove compartment is still there. my cds are all still there as well as my dvds. old broken laptop and multiple computer keyboards are still there, too. #1 i keep my car so packed with crap you couldn't even see the GPS. i basically drive a dumpster on wheels. seriously, who would take a look at my car and say "ooh!! i wanna see what's in that!!" #2 even if they did see my car as maybe low threat due to low value, WHY would you not steal the other stuff, too? why wouldn't you take the lap top and cds and movies and computer accessories? why? guess that goes to show that at least SOME education is required to make any real money.

amateurs.

wellbutrin withdrawals

2010-05-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

wednesday night, after a particularly anger inducing day at work, i got a MASSIVE headache. it started, as usual, in my right sinus, moving it's way through my upper right teeth, up behind my right eye, and coming painfully to rest in the top of my right temple. it was a migraine among migraines. a migraine to be remembered. it was so intense i lost my sense of self and just retreated into my brain, confused, and blindly following an invisible red/orange path of blinding pain as it ran through the synapses of my innermost brain. it hurt so, soooo badly. i laid there and politely tried not to beg for death, for to do so would be rude and disrespectful. the next day i woke up to (almost literally) blinding pain. i got dressed, wasted the appropriate amount of face paint, drove about a half a mile to work, and called in sick. i fumbled back up stairs, snatched off my pants/shoes with a quickness, and promptly went back to sleep. i woke up periodically to pee and stagger back to bed and prayed for sleep before my eyeballs started bleeding. i finally woke up around noon and shuffled in a very Igoresque fashion over to the computer and finally scheduled an appointment with a headache specialist in houston. i spent the rest of the day slowly meandering around the apartment and trying not to move my eyes too quickly and avoiding vomiting. friday morning i woke up and headed to work. generally speaking, i have BAD issues with anxiety and general fear of everyone and everything i come in contact with on a day to day basis. i felt nothing. literally nothing. a slight sense of confusion and an overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility. i was not afraid driving in downtown traffic. i was not afraid to walk through the parking lot at work. i was not afraid walking in front of the trucks waiting to leave. i was not afraid to say good morning to tamalia at the front desk. i didn't get sick or excited when i opened my email. one of the girls came up to me in a panic and told me she hated it here because everyone is bitches (everyone Are bitches? everyone is a bitch? hmm.) and i said "no, no...what's wrong?" all i could think was "dude, i am NOT the person you wanna have this conversation with right now." she's awesome, and the only person at work i relate to, so i definitely don't want my new email buddy to leave, but i just couldn't grasp the concept of hating your job. or hating anything. or loving anything......so, for the past 3 days, i've been living in a world of otherworldly awkwardness and confusion. the only thing that's been on my mind has been the ever present threat of death. not in a fearful manner, just an aware manner. i'd finally convinced myself i actually did have a stroke and this is what the aftermath is going to be like. another 30 years of confusion and frustration. rodney and i were talking about it tonight because i finally got the balls to mention it. he said "so, when's the last time you took your wellbutrin?" i haven't taken it since the first day i had my migraine because i felt so nauseous, i didn't wanna put ANYTHING in my stomach. after a good scoffing and a bit of internet research, turns out you can't quit wellbutrin cold turkey and you have to ween yourself off. otherwise, you could face some debilitating side effects. see here. the lists includes, but is not limited to: Anxiety Dizziness Fatigue Vertigo Gait disturbances Visual hallucinations Headache Nausea Diarrhea Blurred vision Sweating Fever Abdominal discomfort Nightmares Vivid dreams general malaise Anorexia, Confusion Memory and concentration difficulties Chills and hot flashes Suicidal thoughts Lethargy Weakness so, yeah. perhaps i'm not dying after all. i hurt too badly the first day and didn't wanna take it, the second day i felt too calm to need it and today i've spent the majority of it unconscious and having some bad ASS dreams. not nightmares, but beyond vivid. i think i was physically transported to another fully conscious physical realm for a few hours. hoooo. after this talk, i restarted my medication and we'll see if i'm not back to being a normal person tomorrow....proverbial fingers crossed!!

djoo know what'sa gonna happen to djoo?

2010-04-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

my nerves are nearly shot and i.....well to spare you an agonizingly selfish boring story about my ineptitude and lack of ability to adjust to new surroundings, enjoy this instead!

i went to CVS tonight (BY MYSELF!!) and sifted through all the easter candy. i brought my selections up to the counter. reece's eggs, cadbury eggs, and this neat little find. imagine this conversation in your head. half of it with an indian accent:

"are djoo going to et all of dis tonight?"

"nah...i'll space it out a bit."

"OH! i see djoo 'ave a little chicken dehr!"

"actually, i think that's a dinosaur."

"do djoo know what'sa going to happen to djoo tonight? djoo are going to eat this whole ting up and den djoo gonna wake up and djoo gonna turn into a bik ol' dinosaur.....RRRAAARRRR!!" (massive arm animation!!waving frantically!! wave wave wave!!)

"oh, god...i hope not!"

"nope. i'm jus' kidding. djoo not really going to turn into a dinosaur. that's not really going to happen. djoo have a good evening, missus stewart!!"

there's a cat ass in my face

2010-03-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

no, seriously. i mean, i moved it, but it was totally there.

now she's sitting to the side of the puter watching with great interest at the words forming on the screen. almost like she's reading it. doh, she looked away. guess she figured out i was talking about her....i mean writing about her. anybody else being fascinated by this but me? no?

i had this big ass update written out about my last day of work and my trip out here. my first trip "home". i'll save that for next time. for now, i've been living here for about a week and a half and i'm on my 8th day of work at my new job. it's very, very different than my old office. my old office that i miss so much. so so soooo much. i've realized after being in houston that our shreveport office has virtually no rules. as long as you don't punch anybody or scream inside, you're pretty much guaranteed to keep your job until you decide you don't want it anymore. i mean...please don't scream inside. not really a "requirement" so much as it is an implied "friendly understanding". now granted, the houston office is ALOT bigger than shreveport. alot more people. alot more freight to keep track of. hell, the building's THREE STORIES TALL. (scarlett letter, of mice and men, and to kill a mocking bird) corny? i agree. so, there's been alot of stuff that i know how to do that i've tried to do and was quickly shut down. add a bill to a driver's manifest? FUCK NO!!! we have dispatch clerks for that! but...but i'm in the screen...i'm already here. nope...dispatch. not my job.

ah, my job. my job has changed greatly. i now do what is referred to in the freight business as "os&d" overages, shortages, and damages. so, not a clear shipment. which means they have to lose a piece, break a piece, or not count their pieces and come up with extra pieces before it makes it to my desk. i counted today and i have 12 pages of shipments to go through. this is only things that we've shipped out from our terminal. that's not including the things coming into our terminal. i realize that doesn't mean much to most folks. honestly, 12 pages didn't mean shit to me two weeks ago. but good googly moogly, it does now. it's alot is what it is...a hell of alot.

home life has definitely been something to adjust to. i mean i'm still in love with flowers and butterflies and rainbows and unicorn poop and all that, but when you're alone 90% of the time you're not at work, then you're suddenly accompanied 100% of the time you're not at work. takes some getting used to. guess i've never lived with anyone with my work schedule. hell, even when my nephew lived with me, we worked opposite shifts. i feel like i lost any miniscule degree of mystery that i had two weeks ago. like i'm even less interesting now somehow...if you can imagine such a thing. i dunno. i sit on the couch and i'm all like "HI!!! I LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE NOW!!! SEE ME?? SEE ME LIVING OVER HERE ON THE COUCH??? THAT"S WHAT I DO NOW!!" i'm not complaining by any means. it's certainly not all bad. now i can have sex on a tuesday. A FUCKING TUESDAY!! right in the middle of the week!! even though i still have my trailer (which is for sale, btw) the dark financial cloud i've had looming over me seems to be slowly drifting away. i can start grocery shopping for just one house and not dragging food back and forth.

oh, crap! fries are done!

nocturnal horses

2010-03-05T04:26:00.001-08:00

i'm moving to houston everybody. yayayay. i was pulled into my boss's office the other day to let me know there was a spot opening up in our houston terminal. i, obviously, accepted. i'll be handling the job i hate more than anything else that we do. OS&D. overages, shortages, and damages. so, basically nothing gets to me before it is thoroughly fucked up first. after getting too excited about the whole ordeal, my boss came and talked to me yesterday about how to get to my new work. the time it will take and the traffic that i will face. which brought up the fear of "how will my new boss accept my tardiness" assuming heavy traffic doesn't allow me to make it there on time. then he brought up how the neighborhood is SO bad that you'd better have ample gas before i leave my (new) neck of the woods, because this is DEFINITELY a place you don't wanna break down at. now thinking of buying a new car after i move to insure no breaking down of any mechanical sort occurs. he went on to describe all the women in my new office and how gruff they are and how most of them would be willing to duke it out with any man. you know, REAL trucker women, i guess. well. even though they're not truckers, they'd be office personnel. so, after my four shot espresso from starbucks i began to feel a great panic attack coming on. what if i'm shot and raped my first day?? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF PRESSURE!! he also went on to explain how he's basically been told by everybody here that i am the "nucleus" of the shreveport terminal. the "nucleus". yeah, he used that word. that i've been the office clerk long enough, and worked all the shifts, that i'm.....part of what makes our tiny world go round?? not to say by ANY means that they could not live without me. because i'm pretty certain they can. it makes me feel a bit awkward to hear things like that because everybody's told me "aw, what are we gonna do without you??" which is sweet and appreciated, but they keep saying it. what do you say after you've said "thank you" for the 30th time?? "please go find yourself a new favorite person"?? i feel like i'm leaving high school. for me, i started kindergarten at the same place i graduated from. i saw the same people day in and day out my entire childhood. i graduated. 6 months later, i started at my current job. it's the only other place i've been in my whole life. i'm far, far sadder than i expected to be. especially since i've been BEGGING for any kind of transfer for the past like 8 months now.

so, the point i guess i'm really trying to make here is: i'm terrified. it's 6:41 am now and i just woke up because i had a dream i started my new job and a lady offered to take me home. when we got to the barbed wire exit gate, it was stuck, and none of the dockworkers standing outside smoking would help her open it. she was screaming "you should be ashamed of yourself!! i'm getting my hands all tangled in barbed wire!!" then these young guys came rushing out of the near by trailer park and grabbed her, pulled her out in to the yard just outside of the fence. since they were off of our property, no one wanted to go help her. they started attacking her from all sides, ripping her clothes off while simultaneously beating her in the head. i was in the process of jumping in the driver's seat to go run over them when i woke up sweating. i was wearing tiny bootylicious shorts and could only imagine what they would do to a small white girl once they got me. ::shudder::

surely it can't be as bad as all that. i mean, women work there. they have a fenced it yard with a guard shack. surely it must be somewhat secure. surely??

i'm going back to bed....

happy birthday to me....for the 27th time.

2010-02-22T20:50:00.001-08:00

just kiddin'. the only person reading this website had been reminded repeatedly, and forcefully, that tomorrow is my birthday. there will be NO forgetting.

so, this is my last entry as a 26 year old girl. in an hour and two minutes, i'll officially be a 27 year old girl. ehh. maybe we have to wait till noon tomorrow. meh, anyway. so, what have i done in the past year?? what have i done to separate my 26th year from all my other years?? well. i finally grew to over 150 lbs. 152 was the highest i've ever gotten i believe. enough to make me sick when i looked at myself naked. i started out on a quest for health. i gave up pork 100%. which i highly recommend everyone on earth doing. those jews were really onto something. on this quest for health, i lost 13 pounds and felt awesome. upon further, deeper, inspection into the realm of food preparation, i discovered how cows become hamburger and how chickens become.........chicken....wow, they don't disguise that at all. hm. ahh. how chickens become nuggets. i lost the ability to eat meat with a clear conscience knowing i was giving money to the people who were doing that. then i discovered that no animal was harmed in the making of an oreo, and all of my weight is coming back. i hit 143 last week. why did my diet section of this update take this long?? what else??

oh, well, there's that one thing, but well....you know....

fwoo. so, 26 has brought me closer to my spiritual self, more confident in the bedroom, ironically enough more wrinkles on my forehead, a greater appreciation of having my own income, less meat more sugar, a little more anxious to get the hell outta louisiana, and possibly the worst update in the history of this tiny, tiny website.

here i come, age 27!!

wow....so masturbation was the last thing i blogged about, huh?

2010-02-16T20:31:00.001-08:00

gotta get that outta the way and out of your view!!

i feel a little ashamed i was on vacation for an entire week and have no updates to show for it. my vacation was rather lack luster in the story telling department. for nearly nine days straight, i sat on the couch, drank, slept, (please see above)ate, played mario wii, and humped. all. week. long. i also cleaned house and cooked supper nightly. again, it doesn't make for good story telling at all, but it was a damn fine week.

the week of all weeks finally came to a close on sunday, valentine's day. i woke my lover with breakfast in bed complete with strawberries, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream (along with the other breakfast standards) did something dirty and ridiculously unjanelike but for the sake of our younger readers let's just say "i put his penis in my mouth while we watched a pornographic movie". he took me out to eat at the loving hut, a nice vegan restaurant in the great land of houstonia. the food was amazing, but the service left something to be desired. it took a LONG time to arrive at our table and when it finally did, it was served individually instead of together. he got his a good solid 5 minutes before i saw mine. but aside from that, the people were super friendly and polite and the food was delicious. he got the bbq vermicelli and they had these little white strips on the side. i have no idea what they were, but they were identical to the smokey aftertaste you get when eating sausage out of a bbq pit. i nearly came. it even had the fatty texture of beef. i got the sweet and sour divine. a mock sweet and sour chicken dish, that tasted less like chicken that his did like beef, but the seasoning was *perfect*. we'll definitely be eating there again, but i think next time we'll be ordering take out and enjoy our meal at home....at the same time.

after that we went to bed, bath, and beyond and found only a bunt pan to purchase. that's cool because next week i'm gonna bake the hell outta some monkey bread. mmmm. can't wait!

then, we went and saw avatar in 3d. everything everyone said about it is true. it's probably one of the best movies i've ever seen, Ever. i would also like to point out, the older i get, the more tree huggy i get. please keep that in mind.

he took me out to get frozen yogurt. we came home. played some super mario brothers. ordered from pizza hut and then i begrudgingly had to head back home to louisiana.

:: sigh ::

i can't trap a mouse, but i can pet a cat

2010-01-29T00:10:00.000-08:00

no. i'm really serious. i'm really very good at that.

guess which one i am?? right. the one in all black and the least happy to be in this picture. this is my "for the love of buddha, hurry up and take this picture. you can see my teeth!!!" pose.

after consuming many, many alcoholic drinks tonight, it has come to my attention that the incredible age difference between my sisters and i will forever keep us from sharing things we would normally share if we were say NOT so torn apart by incredible age differences. for instance, my sisters, who were WILD AND CRAZY!!!! in their youths, have now settled down and think everything i do is just "because i'm young" and "because i don't know any better' and because "one of the cats just shit in the hallway" good god almighty, does anyone smell that but me?? jeebus cripes. hoo. anyway. i will never be able to go drinking with my sisters. even if we are past the bar age, we will never be able to drink a drink together at home because my sisters have learned the dangers of alcohol and are waaaaaay too mature to do that sort of juvenile thing now. we will never be able to openly discuss sex. what i get now is "oh my goodness no, i don't know what you're talking about!! i wish you two would just get married, then maybe i would be able to relate" give or take actual quotations. it saddens me that my sisters grew up together and experienced singlehood (i mean unmarriedness) together and i will not. i was recently told ... hold on ... let me find it... here we are "i love how you think everyone else is a yard stick you have to measure yourself by". which is the sad sad truth. i feel like i am missing out for not having sisters i can actually relate to. ignoring the fact that there are millions of "only children" that will never get to experience the joy of "fellowship" i get to experience at family functions, albeit from the side lines. perhaps i'm not meant to be exactly like julie or exactly like johnette or deedee or laverne. perhaps i am just meant to be like jane. just jane. and only jane. maybe i am supposed to act this way because i DO have ocd. the person inside of me enjoys counting even numbers. the person inside of me enjoys collecting spoons. the person inside of me thinks that something with the capability of experiencing fear shouldn't have to die because i decide to get the munchies at 2 am. so i don't want to eat meat? fuck me, really???? is it THAT big of a deal?? is it any bigger deal than people who don't enjoy most vegetables?? why do i have to constantly feel guilty and apologize for that?? christ. the person inside of me doesn't want my best friend to go down the list of exboyfriends and fuck them one by one. why am i so willing to say that to every one but her?? the person inside of me genuinely enjoys folk music. i dream of walking barefoot, bra less, in a flowey skirt on the river front listening to people play banjos and guitars and other musical instruments and sing about things that they "feel". i want to smoke marijuana and open my mind (but am currently unable to due to employment restraints so for the time being alcohol will just have to do). i want to tell the world the cute things my cats do. I ENJOY WATCHING CAT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE!!! i hate shaving my legs. i LOVE the missionary position during sex. does that make me mundane?? i don't know, but i LOVE it. i enjoy taking up the interests of others in an effort to feel closer to them. why do i love zombies??? because rodney loves zombies. and i truly have taken them to heart. currently writing a zombie short story actually. had always been more of a vampire girl myself. (turns out zombies have more intricate details to be written about) I HAVE HERPES. right, i have cold sores due to no fault of my own. had them my entire life. i sweat more than your average person. this is most likely due to the abnormally large amount of worry and stress i endure on a daily basis. i enjoy sitting outside in the rain, regardless of how stupid it looks. i love it. i don't do it anymore because of male criticism, but i LOVE it. feels like nature is playing a friendly game with me and is daring me to play back. i like to dance like a stripper in my bathroom when i'm alone. i have ZERO rhythm, but i enjoy it and it works my abs and legs. no wonder strippers are in such good shape. you get to exercise at work all day. I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!! even a girl, yeah, i enjoy my fun parts just as much as a guy does!!! i like my boobs!!! i feel guilty for liking my boobs because they are not your typical boobs and they are not the boobs seen in the rest of the picture above, but they get the job done and they're the perfect carry on size. they'll never give me back problems and they're just enough to be fun, but not enough to be in the way. they're perfect and i love 'em, but i'm afraid everyone else will not. so, it makes me apologize for not being the standard. (they are nice. nice in a way like snickers are your favorite candy bar and someone just handed you a snickers fun size...kind of like that)I LIKE MY FUCKING WEIGHT. despite how guilty i feel about how i do not LOOK quite as cute as i used to look and may not be as charming in bed as skinny jane was. i feel i am at a point now where i am healthy, i look pretty good in clothes and i do not vomit constantly. i can actually genuinely enjoy food. back when i was all petite and cute, i ate once a day, if that and i was constantly throwing up and never really enjoyed what i ate. i hope brad dison dies from aids and rots in hell. i love working with industrial men. it makes me feel grounded. alot them are older and honestly it reminds me of my dad sometimes. my dad is old and likes to bitch and raise hell, but doesn't really mean it. just the way old men workers are....if that came out right. i enjoy my writing style. i constantly apologize for it, but i go back and read my old entries and laugh at them constantly. i love the way i write. i love my poetry. my stupid, childish poetry. i love it. it amuses me every time. i love the way that i sing. i can't sing "on key" per say, but i love the way i sing. given enough practice on a road trip, i can do a dead on amanda palmer impersonation. i don't know what exactly keeps me from just being me on a day to day basis. i'm constantly terrified of offended someone or not being exactly what they expect me to me. i'm constantly afraid i'm annoying someone. i'm constantly afraid i'm getting in someone's way. why do i not allow myself to just be the person i am when i'm alone...around everyone else?? i constantly feel like i'm not living up to anyone's expectations and it's my job to apologize for it and reassure you, I AM SORRY FOR THE WAY I AM.

ah well.

it's 3 am and i gotta go to work in a few hours......

i learned the beginning of twinkle twinkle little star today. :)

His and Hers

2010-01-25T12:04:00.000-08:00

we ate pizza TWICE this past weekend. what?? we are pigs you say?? i say we are daring!! i say we laugh in the face of normal society that states you can only eat ridiculously fattening food that is mostly bread and cheese and calories and grease once a week, twice if you are bold!! i say we are super duper bold and will eat it as many times as we please!!....or until we get physically ill.

ALTHOUGH, in an effort to pretend to at least bid a respectful farewell to my diet for the weekend, i did buy turkey pepperoni instead of pork and the fat free cheddar cheese. also, on my side there is only spinach and mushrooms, both of which are virtually calorie free. and the crust was intended to be thin(supposedly lower calorie)....but i accidentally let it melt so i just clumped it into one big blob and mashed it out as best as i could and what we came up with was possibly the ugliest pizza ever made, but good googly moogly, it was feather plucking delicious.

oh, and we also broke my bed in an unfortunate genital exercising accident. so, there was a lot of calorie burning in addition to the pizza eating. so, i guess really my two days off weren't a total diet waste...back to eating tomatoes and spinach today, though.........yay......

as you can see, the second pizza turned out A LOT more aesthetically pleasing.....i'm thinking cinnamon rolls for this coming weekend!!!

p.s. did you read that part where we broke my bed?? because we totally did. :)

Laissez Le Bon Temps Roulet

2010-01-25T08:37:00.001-08:00

a few years ago, our night clerk and his fill in were both out sick one night and they just HAD to have someone cover. that's actually the position i started out at, so i quickly volunteered for the overtime. i'd missed the harassment from the linehaul truckers and all that went along with it. however inappropriate it may be to place a young, thin female in the midst of dirty old truckers, it's still a pretty damn fun environment to work in....most of the time. this one driver in particular, who had apparently become a regular since i stopped working the shift, kept coming in the office alllllllll night loooooooong. he kept asking me what kind of music i liked and what kind of movies i watched and my age, marital status, residential address...you get the point. at the end of the night, when his cut time rolled around, he came in the office and said "well, i'm about to head back to lafayette but i just wanted to let you know, in case i don't get to see you again, you one fiiiiiiiiiiiine mothafucka." and left. that's been at LEAST two years. i got to work friday and had an email waiting that said "there's an envelope on my desk with your name on it...it's a necklace from our lafayette driver." okay?? and this is what it was...i wasn't sure if i should be flattered or creeped out.....i'm gonna go with flattered, because if this kind of stuff creeped me out, i couldn't work where i work.

after opening it and going all the motions of a very confused person, my co worker said "ooh!! i'll take those if you don't want 'em!! my little girl is doing a mardi gras float for school and we could use 'em!!" so, there they went because if i'd kept them, they would have just rotted in a box somewhere in my closet along with tons of other stuff i probably don't know the origin of anymore.

anybody out there ever seen the show hoarders?? thinking of signing myself up...

off to houston..................again.

2010-01-15T19:41:00.001-08:00

it's friday night yet again and i'm about to head to houston. i don't have the usual excitement i normally do. it's not that i don't enjoy the destination, it's not that i don't enjoy the company, it's not that i'm not looking forward to my weekly nocturnal rewards (because believe me I AM, oh boy am i ever). i don't know if it's the new shift i'm on or if the drive itself is just getting old. i've been driving out to houston every weekend for months now....holidays excluded of course.

i was about to go into a useless whine about how lazy i am and i can't seem to find motivation for anything these days, but instead i think i'll just grab my bag and head on out.

two dollars and fifty cents very well spent

2010-01-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

bored on a friday night?? here's what to do!! trip to cvs: $2.50. half off special!!
you cannot see yet!!

smoke break.....can't look yet either....
teh-deh!! merclown??
mario shroom??

rodney's deep dark secret.....even he is covered in rainbows and sunshine.
and apparently a mole.....das veird. sssssshhhhhhh, he's sleeping.
aaaaaaaand these are the things we do to while away the time. :)

i started my period and a happy new year to me!!

2010-01-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

we rang in the new year much like every other year. drunk but more sober than last year. and, there was no crying. that's always a plus. at the stroke of twelve, fireworks outside started going slap bonkers!! we kissed and i swear we fell asleep literally 45 seconds later. we're getting so old.
before our old age caught up to us, we learned a pathetically small portion of twinkle twinkle little star together on my fancy new keyboard that rodney dodney got me for christmas. is it amazingly tiny?? nope. just standing 5 feet away from it.
these are the books that came with it. i'm still working on that middle one. so far, i'd recommend it.

after that, we played rounds and rounds and rounds of nintendo. merry christmas to me, merry christmas to me. merry christmas to meeee-eeeee, merry christmas to me.
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?? mario died!!!! ::: gasp :::: oh, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaaaaaaand lastly, this is how evey and jables rang in their new year. the same way they ring in every other day of the year. lazy ass cats.

oh, fat tummy, are you hiding a kid in there?

2009-12-30T08:40:00.001-08:00

i often wonder the reaction i would have if i found out i was pregnant. would i be angry? i have a pretty strong stance on the breeders of our society. the one's who think there is no other way to acquire a tiny human to carry on your legacy besides brewing one on your own. people every day breed accidentally then give those accidents away or sell them. i believe the correct term is "adoption", but i think we know that it means the same thing. i've always wanted to have my tubes tied and buy one pre brewed for me. that way i could have the baby and keep the body. not to say that it's a particularly nice body, but i know basically how it works and i'd like to keep it that way. would i be sad? the body aforementioned could be destroyed in this accidental endeavor. would i be scared? my finances as a single person have never been the best. would i be able to afford to carry another person if i had to? would i have to? would "daddy" fearfully and angrily cast me aside like an old busted shoe or would he reluctantly marry me out of social obligation and pity? would i be ashamed? that i let down my own breeding standards. because the world is vastly over populated as it is and i just had to go and add yet another breeder to the world's pool. would i be ashamed to show my face? i've thought on that one alot. how embarrassed i'd be to have to go to work, knowing that i'll only get bigger and fatter and everyone will "know". what will they know exactly? that i'm not a virgin? that i've had sex? i think that secret's been out of the bag for quite some time now. would i be ashamed that i'm forgetful? like maybe if i'd remembered to take my pill at 9 pm sharp, instead of midnight when i woke up from my nap that maybe, clumsy ass, this wouldn't have happened and i deserve whatever hell and misery comes my whorish way? could i be happy? would that be possible? i'll admit, as i've gotten older, there is something about a spritely wide eyed baby that does make my uterus yearn. but is it the same way a sexy man makes my genitals yearn? just nature and genetics? and it's my job as an enlightened, conscious animal to be able to say "no" to such urges. just because i want something does not mean i'm entitled to get it. right? just because i have the equipment doesn't mean i HAVE to use it, right?

god, my stomach hurts.

letter to deedle

2009-12-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

soooooooo, christmas has come and gone and i'm even slightly more proud of my boyfriend than i was merely a week ago. #1) he bought me the mario collection for the wii. it has been AWESOME. i've tried to give him a turn on the original mario, but i just rock it so hard. it's hard to play two player on that when player two is being so severely overshadowed by the raw awesome power of player one. ya know?? #2) he also got me a keyboard, a learning to read music basics book, several piano books, and he's learning to play piano with me. he knows the basics of how to read music and he plays the guitar very well, but he's not really familiar with piano. it was so cool. so, soooo cool. we've played together a little bit, but i've barely touched it because i'm still kind of embarrassed and afraid to play in front of him. (since i know virtually NOTHING about music theory or rhythm or anything else necessary to touch a musical instrument) he also got me a set of head phones that plug in so i can play all i want without worrying about people hearing me suck. he's headed to baton rouge the first half of this week and he said if i know what's good for me, i better be able to play him twinkle twinkle little star by the time he returns. at least the twinkle twinkle part.

my new years resolution is to pick up my poetry writing again, master the keyboard by summer, and have all the kids personalized cd's made by next christmas(and of course be famous and rich by 2012). time to get crackin!!

DEAR VIKING

2009-12-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

i'd like to respond to you personally, but alas, your name did not have an attached link and you may as well be anonymous. otherwise i could've commented on your blog. eh.

fyi, i Never delete comments....ever. it's such a rarity anyone that stumbles across my tiny site, let alone actually give two hoots enough to leave a comment just for me. heaven forbid i erase that. that's the one thing that comes along every six months to remind me i'm not writing in an electronic diary.

i actually started writing this post a week or so ago and now forgot the point i originally intended to make. in short, i am not nor was i ever 90 day jane. just another girl with the same name and same dark hair. god bless the internet, right?? except i haven't had super short hair since i was like 17, but it looked cute on her, so i don't take offense to the confusion.

p.s. in the search for this picture, i came across this and am a little speechless. i would also like to say that you feel free to go ahead and purchase this for me. i won't mind.

who needs a hobby??

2009-12-07T17:39:00.001-08:00

as an experiment, i've been watching animal videos on youtube for a little more than an hour. specifically running mice and talking cats. Feather has been 100% captivated the ENTIRE time. she was practically drooling at the mice; she finally got upset about the cats. she got up and came and pressed her nose on the screen and kept darting back and forth between the screen and the speaker like she couldn't figure out why the two weren't one. ya know????

yes, i did. i DID just spend over an hour of my life watching my cat watch you tube. this is my private life. it's okay to be a little jealous.

yawn, smack, grunt, snort

2009-12-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

i hate this picture, but i can't seem to stop looking at it.

well, it's 3:30 am and i just got home from whoring around. man, what a night. actually, i got home yesterday, played online for about 2 hours, then fell asleep. surprise. i seriously need a hobby. or a second job. but i don't see that anywhere in my near future.

although, i actually did do a few useful things yesterday. i went grocery shopping yesterday. RESPONSIBLY. i went to the store and bought ONLY what was on my list. i wound up spending only 14 dollars. wooooo!! look at me go. once i left the store with my two tiny bags, i passed one of those christmas bell ringers for the american red cross or...........something with a red pot. a little, skinny, old black man. it was down in the 40's today. having no cash, but being the nice person that i am(wanting to be), i had an internal fight(with an extended panic attack) that lasted all the way to the nearest gas station, at the hot chocolate machine, and all the way back to kroger's. once there, it took every ounce of umph that i had to force my body out of my car. i closed my eyes as i walked up to him and told him i was sorry that i didn't carry cash, but i knew it was really cold outside and he was under no obligation to drink this, i hadn't touched it, actually there was a trash can right there if he wanted me to go ahead and throw it away for him. he kind of giggled and thanked and blessed me. he just held it as i got back in my car. yeah, he TOTALLY threw that away once i drove off. ungrateful bastard!!! i actually had to sit for a minute pretending to warm my car back up before i could drive because my vision had gone blurry from nerves. i'm hoping a cold sore does not come from this little act of kindness. i finally calmed back down about the time i hit the interstate after several minutes of intently telling myself it was the right thing to do. i'm just no good at this interacting with other people thing.

a few weeks ago, i got a no seat belt ticket right by my house. i do not take seat belts seriously and therefore do not take cops who give seat belt tickets seriously. i am not normally a rude person when it comes to people in authority, but after he turned his lights on i continued driving into my gas station and asked if i had to remain in my vehicle or if i could pump gas during this. so, i pumped gas, he did his thing, we nodded and went on our ways. i finally got off my ass to go pay that ticket today. turns out there's a 5% fee added if you pay any other way besides cash. GAY. i paid it anyway. it only came out to like a dollar twenty five or so. you can do the math yourself because i'm not going to.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's about it. hmm. guess i didn't do as many useful things today as i thought i had. oh well.

aw, man. it's only 3:45????????? what the crap am i supposed to do until work?? maybe i should wash clothes or bathe or something. ooh, or perhaps another nap is in order.

jane's pathetic diet: wednesday edition

2009-12-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

i've been on a failing diet for a couple months now. when i originally started on my mostly vegetable, VERY high fiber diet, i lost 12 pounds. i am stuck on my current diet now at 140. the difference?? i've switched from little meat to no meat. (except for the rare occasional wild game) i feel like attaching the word "vegetarian" to my current diet has flipped some switch in my head. vegetarian=healthy. do you know what "vegetarians" generally eat?? well, not meat!! do you know what is considered not meat?? apples, bananas, carrots, corn, celery, broccoli, raisins, and a plethora of other yummy fruits and veggies. do you know what ELSE is considered not meat?? oreos, donuts, ice cream, frappaccino, french fries, and so on and so on. you ever seen any animals harmed in the making of an oreo?? right. i didn't think so. so, that makes them okay to eat!! but there's such a healthy aura surrounding this word. because really, when's the last time you saw a fat vegetarian?? never?? that's what i thought. i've also slacked off ENTIRELY on my exercising because of that last sentence as well. no fat vegetarians; they don't need to work out, they don't eat fat!! bam. problem solved.

el wrongo.

with this in mind, i've decided (again) to try to go back hard core on my previous diet that worked. i will still remove as much meat products as i possibly can, but i'm going to stop it with the sugars and as much carbs as i can. such an irresponsible eater i've turned out to be. today for lunch i made possibly the most disgusting looking soup i've ever seen. i tried taking a picture for you, but alas, my phone is a piece of poop and i can't seem to email pictures anymore. ahem:
1 can of market pantry homestyle italian style vegetable soup: 120 Calories for the whole can
1 can of carrots: 150 Calories, whole can
1 can of spinach: 150 Calories, whole can (but a crap TON of fiber)
1 handful of dry oatmeal: 100 Calories
salt and pepper

so, i've got 520 Calories worth of food that will last me at LEAST 2 days, if not more. assuming i do not eat it for every meal. now, it LOOKS amazingly disgusting, but it's surprisingly good. not surprisingly Great, but good. turns out that spinach has a bit of a tendency to over power the rest of the dish. not so much in flavor, but volume. once you start stirring that spinach, it just seems to get bigger. like seaweed trying to choke out all other plant life in the bottom of my ocean............pot.

anyway. today 140 lbs. next week, 135 lbs.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

90 day jane

2009-11-19T20:00:00.001-08:00

oddly enough, i had forgotten all about my 15 minutes of ill gotten fame about a year and a half ago. i was cleaning out my email tonight and came across MANY, MANY comments on the subject. the majority of them "hate" comments. how i was such a liar and a fraud for deceiving people this way and how because of what the clock on the comment thing posted, well i think it was fairly obvious i was in los angeles and not louisiana!! even though, i've tried repeatedly to fix the clock on here. i'm assuming it eventually fixed itself, because i was never able to do it before on the library's computers. (which is where i was forced to post during that time.) no real post here. no real story. just made me a little reminiscent of those days of eXtreme poverty living in the duplex with my nephew. day in and day out. with no entertainment except my old original nintendo and our few and far between trips to the library to play on the wonderful, glorious interwebz. oh, how that jane mix up made my month. even if i was getting mostly hate mail, it was nice to get mail from strangers. then in my search for the stories surrounding myself and the elusive californian jane, i came across this and was suddenly forced into the realization of how fucking amazingly hot i used to be. no joke. i'd lick me sideways in this picture.........assuming i had the ability. look at the picture. am i not cute as a bug??

only 17 more pounds to go!!!

stuck with you

2009-11-18T21:36:00.001-08:00

this is evey's "sexy kitty" pose. right now, she's in her favorite "kitty won't get the fuck out from in front of the computer screen" pose.

i seem to be in a bit of a pickle, ladies and gentlemen. #1) i can't seem to stay awake after work, which has proven to be most annoying recently. this isn't just the "oh, i can't wait to get off work so i can spank it" sleepy. by 4 pm, i'm utterly exhausted and can't hold my eyes open anymore. then i'm usually awake by somewhere around midnight, can't take a nap before work, and then i'm exhausted by 4 pm the next day. when will this ridiculously inconveniently vicious cycle end???? #2) i'm growing desperate to move. i feel like i'm in an ever sinking hole here, full of loneliness, debt, and debris (seriously, my house is like a land fill) but if i don't clean, who cares?? who do i have to clean for?? the animals?? as long as the ammonia doesn't burn their lungs right out of their chest cavities, i don't think they give a shit. or at least, they can't say so.

so, what's holding me back?? besides my raging fear of change?? the little girl in the picture at the top. my kitty evey. i placed two of my cats at the houston spca. i've did a ton of research before dumping them there. i trust the people. they have the highest adoption rate of any shelter in the country. it was one of the hardest things i've ever voluntarily done and i cried my eyes out for days. i wasn't even all that attached to one of the cats and i knew it was the right thing to do with the other. it still hurt. deeply. so now, i'm stuck with 3 cats. two of which, i just can't bear the thought of parting with. evey appears to be low man on the totem pole in this one. i just can't seem to find her a home. i've been in contact with country ladies rescue in bullard, tx. very, VERY sweet older ladies who run a very small shelter out of pocket. they said they would give me a listing on pet finder, but SURPRISE, my pictures of evey don't work with their computer. what to do, what to do. i can't take her to the pound, obviously. what if she winds up being put down just because she's not young enough or cute enough?? (but seriously look at the picture. is "not cute enough" really one of her problems??) or WORSE!! what if she winds up being sold to a college laboratory for experimentation for throat cancer?!?!?!? it could happen. it does, actually, on a regular basis. in bossier, you ask?? i don't know. but other places. she's 2 years old. she's already spayed. her only real hang up is that she demands her litter box be cleaned. is that really so much to ask?? would YOU want to have to clean sopping wet kitty litter out from in between your toes when there's a perfectly good dry floor right there?? i think not. i keep it up as much as i can, but well, please refer to above discussion about squalor and laziness. she's VERY outgoing. i've even announced i'd be willing to help as much as i could with any financial issue that would come up with her. newp. nothing. i just can't seem to find anyone to take her.

what am i supposed to do??

shut up woman, get on my horse!!

2009-11-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

it's true!! i accidentally stumbled upon a russian gonzo(?) video the other day of an obese woman in her 40's-50's with greasy thinning hair, few teeth, wearing a red negligee ready to shake hands and blow equally unattractive middle aged man with beer belly, odd facial hair and greased head hair away!!! i promptly shut down my computer and went and prayed by the side of my bed until i felt clean. yes, that means i passed out there.

speaking of porn, i got into a discussion recently with a guy at work about how he thinks there's probably an equally large market out there who would be willing to just "look in" on girls doing every day life things. you know, changing light bulbs, or scrubbing the toilet, or washing dishes, or BATHING THE DOG!! all done in panties and tank top of course. nothing in your face pornographic, just clean voyeurism. got me to thinkin'. now i'm sure it already exists because EVERYthing already does on the internet, but if not, boy howdi. good luck to whoever reading this just stole my idea!! asshole.

speaking of work, i learned today that our biller has been unknowingly involved in outsourcing her own job to the phillipines. we got a new scanner recently to scan our bills into our imaging system, or so we thought. newp. all that's been going to an office in the phillipines so they can learn how to bill our bills. once they get up to par, we'll be letting all of our billers go company wide. great country, isn't it?? america?? whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch about bad economy, failing job markets, blah blah blah, but corporations are steadily pumping as much money straight out our government just as fast as they can write the checks. ugh.

speaking of writing checks, i haven't paid my car note this month. gotta get on that....

bleh meh and oomph

2009-11-12T03:07:00.000-08:00

5 a.m. bored and trying to find new ways to call in sick to work. i feel as though i've lost my drive for nearly everything these days. what little i DO do is motivated by fear of other's people's anger. can't be late for work or my supervisor will be mad. can't call in sick because my relief girl will be mad. can't be uber vegetarian around my boyfriend because he'll leave me. can't curse around my fucking family because they'll disown me. can't wait much longer to move or else he'll be mad BUT can't manage to give away my remaining cat because she'll hate me for life. can't make eye contact with the cashier, BECAUSE WHAT IF SHE'S MAD I'M FORCING HER TO WORK?? i'll spare you the rest of the intended paragraph, but this is my life right now. it always has been to a certain extent, but i seem to have been drained of any sort of desire or drive recently. i woke up at 4 am this morning. so far?? killed some zombies, listened to some youtube, and pooped. at no point in time until just a minute ago did it occur to me to take a bath and get an extra hour of work. the extreme early mornings are always super easy and lord knows i need the money. what's a procrastinatory girl to do???????????????????

i don't even really have the desire to finish this update. fuck bathing. maybe i can find some clean smelling clothes and head on in. where's my pony tail??

pushin' up daisies

2009-10-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

jables's impression of a dead raccoon. pretty good, eh??

halloween is approaching a little quicker than expected. i've been talking about it all year like normal, but somehow it still managed to sneak up on me. i still have no costume or plans for this weekend. i originally wanted to go to on vacation this week and maybe go to salem, massachusetts or something, but due to conflicting work schedules, that didn't happen. i've been on this super nifty diet for a couple months now. i've lost ten pounds and holding, but still none of my clothes fit right. it's like i was losing, losing, losing, then bam!! nothing. just stopped. i'd like to sit here and sound all confused and surprised, but i went from a mainly vegetable extremely high fiber diet to well, i just ate 6 oreos and i've been living off of chips and salsa and bagels for the past week. my point is: i am not where i was supposed to be by halloween this year. all that great dieting and stuff was supposed to be put me at like 125 pounds and i was gonna look so adorable in that costume and blah blah blah. as always, my laziness has fucked it up. hooray for procrastination!!

i fail.

'cause these hands are just too shaky to hold

2009-10-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

he--he---hello?? oral herpes?? HEY!! there you are!! with all those anxiety attacks i've been having recently, i was wondering when you'd be coming back.

i missed you. :)

(it's that little happy white spot slightly to the right.)

looks like i'll be sleeping with the colgate man tonight.

please accept my apology

2009-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

that's me on the far left there. go ahead. believe it..........................okay fine. don't believe it and kiss my ass. how about that??

i've recently really gotten into TWITTER: the lazy man's blog. instead of posting a whole thought process here, it's much, much easier to just sum it up in under 140 characters there and you probably get the same amount of information out of it. not tonight, though, sonny. oh, no. not tonight. tonight you shall feel the wrath of my tippity typings. i am drinking and feel pretty chatty. yourself?? HAH!! i can't read what you write, sillies. this is MY site.

i don't have time to go over everything you have missed in this past month, but here's a taste:
i finally took Cinco and Hex to the Houston SPCA. it was harder than i ever imagined it could be. turns out they're already available for adoption. click on their names to see them. hold on while i go get some kleenexes. happy to see they're already up for adoption. we went in the admissions department for the first time and signed them over, but didn't have the money to cover the admission fee. we came back about a half an hour later after locating an ATM and they were still on the counter surely thinking "oh, hey!! there you are!! you forgot me. don't worry, i'm still waiting!!" so, i gave the remainder of the admission fee and walked back out and cried my eyes out for the next hour, then again later that night when i went to bed, and again the next night on the way to the magic show/seance, and again on the way back to louisiana, and when i found their pictures on their website just a minute ago, and a little bit right now. it's not that i think it wasn't the right thing to do, because it was. i could not sufficiently take care of 5 cats on my own, my house is ridiculously unsanitary. ammonia burns my nose with every deep breath. i can't clean that much. and assuming i ever get off my lazy ass and move myself to houston, i obviously can't have 5 cats in an apartment. what really hurt was the knowledge that instead of going to sleep wrapped around my feet with her best friend, Feather, Hex would be going to sleep alone in a cage in a room full of other crying lonely cats and she would not understand why. she would be there, alone, afraid, and confused. i don't understand how people go through pet after pet and if they don't really like it, they just bring it to the pound and get another. i've never had a shittier feeling. well, that's probably not true, but i sure felt guilty.

i'm sorry, Hex. i'm Really sorry.

paradox

2009-10-05T14:03:00.001-07:00

pictures compliments of jane's phone and the ouachita parish animal shelter. looking for my crippled sister a hypoallergenic dog. she's obviously rather have a freebie, but ya know.

i'm a million different people from one end to the next; i can't change

2009-10-03T08:55:00.001-07:00

i had planned to write a depressing blog about how everybody hates me and i'm a loser and i'm miserable and blah blah blah, but i'm too tightly wrapped up in my own little world of misery to allow you inside or articulate the details. so, instead!!

i've developed an obsession with food lately. all i do online anymore is look up new healthy recipes. #1) i'm overweight. i have been for nearly 2 years now and i can seem to make it just go away. #2) i'm unhealthy. by the time my parents got around to me, the ninth child, i feel like they were just worn out. and i'm far, FAR too manipulative to actually have to eat what my mother gave me. i always wound up with what i wanted regardless of what the rest of them had for dinner. oh, it may take a couple hours, but perseverance wins the race. #3) i'm trying to impress a boy. i think that says enough for itself. who ultimately wants a woman who can't cook?? or sew on a button?? i haven't gotten quite that far yet. god damned buttons. all men should just wear zippers. #4) i'm growing up. i'm 26 now. it's about time i started acting like it, right?? i can't hit 30 and still be eating beanie weinies and macaroni and cheese. when does the growing up period actually start?? because, as mentioned in the previous post, i'm having a hard time finding it. #5) i'm obsessive compulsive. i MUST have something to obsess over. this is at least something healthy and moderately constructive to obsess over. better this than whose mad at me, what bills i will not be able to pay in decemeber, and what reaction i'm going to have when my boyfriend finally spills that he's been cheating on me and has hated me the whole time and has been working for a way to permanently embarrass me over the internet. now, i *STILL* obsess about all these things, but i'm trying to let my focus reside over the food.

in my quest for healthier food, among other moral tenderhearted reasons, i've become very interested in vegetarianism. i don't know if i'll ever make that final leap to veganism, but we'll leave that goal further down the road for now. i can only worry about so many things at once. i've looked up TONS of information on healthy eating, nutrition sources, dangers of different foods. on this quest, i obviously stumbled upon many, MANY vegetarian sites warning of the dangers of eating meat. not to say that i don't eat meat, because quite obviously i do. i don't wanna come off as *too* big of a hypocrite here. i've got non organic chicken breasts in my freezer right now which i have every intention in the world of eating. pizza hut's spicy asian chicken wings might just be my favorite food on earth. literally. i've even got hot dogs in my fridge. though i'm actually almost afraid to eat them now that i know more about them. the things i've learned about hot dogs. hoo. so, yeah. as it turns out, like 90 something percent of the cholesterol you take in is from animal products. joo know that?? i really didn't. i thought it was in all food.

ehh. i was recently distracted by a greeter at my door. come to bring me a diabetic cook book i just ordered as a matter of fact. lost my train of writing thought. um. um. um. the picture above is actually from a land o'lakes dairy farm. it's a sick cow they prodded back up to get her back into the milking line. i've actually found MANY of pictures very similar to this taken from land o'lakes dairy farms. guess who's not buying land o'lakes anymore?? i realize that meat and animal products have been a part of human civilization since it's beginning, but i'm starting to think that maybe what we've grow accustomed to here in our modern society is a much lower grade of meat and other byproducts. a large portion derived from animals that are sick or ailing. if you went to someone's farm and asked for a leg of beef, you wouldn't first walk up to the skinny, balding, snotting cow and say "ooh, i'd like that one." but these aren't discarded in the meat line at the slaughter houses. this scares me. i don't like the idea of eating meat that would've died very shortly thereafter had it not been put out of it's misery. that just doesn't happen in nature. well, except of course for the scavengers like buzzard, hyenas, and the like. hopefully, you're getting my point. it's not that i think that everyone who eats meat is gonna die and go to hell or anything like that. it's just that the more knowledgeable i get, the more natural meat i'd rather eat, if i eat any at all. hopefully, i'll be able to get my hands on some deer meat now that it's almost hunting season. 100% organic there. free grazer it's entire life and has been allowed to roam and live freely until the end. seems more, i dunno, poetic that way?? noble?? fair?? don't condemn me just yet as one of "those" people. ehh, i'm getting there. i haven't made it there yet, but i'm working on it. :)

it runs in the family, do what you want with me

2009-09-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

i often worry about my seeming inability to fit in with adult society. i prefer the child's society. it seems much simpler to me. if someone upsets you, you can A) cry until they feel bad B)tattle to an adult who punishes them appropriately {assuming you spun your tattle correctly, which i always did} or C) throw a rock at them and run away. these three things can be used interchangeably. you can go straight to C, or if you can be a little more patient, you can use B and assuming for whatever reason, you tattle wasn't constructed properly, THEN move on to C. or you can try all three. these three things can solve all of child hoods problems. ALL OF THEM. it's not so simple in the realm of adults. 1) nobody cares if you tattle, because well, you're an adult now!! 2) nobody cares if you cry and 3) you can go to federal pound me in the ass prison for throwing rocks at people. who knew THAT one would end up in unauthorized butt sex?? i feel that there was supposed to be some kind of gradual transition into learning what an adult's appropriate reaction is to be to things that upset them. i apparently missed out on that somehow. i feel that i've grown up to be the queen and supreme ruler of The Land Of Awkward Silence.i just realize more and more on a daily basis that i will never fully fit into the "norm" of the civilized realm of social interaction. there's no "story" to tell here. i just frustrate myself. how are adult supposed to handle frustrations legally?? alcohol?? i suppose.

cheers.

favorite song today

2009-09-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

My friend has problems with winter and autumn they give him prescriptions they shine bright lights on him
They say it's genetic, they say he can't help it, they say you can catch it - but sometimes you're born with it.
My friend has blight, he gets shakes in the night and they say that there's no way that they could have caught it in
Time takes his toll on him it is traditional, it is inherited predispositional
All day I've been wondering what is inside of me who can I blame for it?

I say it runs in the family this family that carries me to such great lengths, to open my legs up to anyone who'll have me
It runs in the family I come by it honestly do what you want 'cause who knows it might fill me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Fill me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up

My friend's depressed she's a wreck she's a mess they've done all sorts of tests and they guess it has something to do with her grandmother's grandfather's grandmother's civil war soldiers who badly infected her
My friend has maladies, shrickets, and allergies that she dates back to the 17th century
Somehow she manages, in her misery strips in the city and shares all her best tricks with me
Well I'm well well I mean I'm in hell well I still have my health at least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this what in hells name is sickness?
But business is business and BUSINESS

Runs in the family we tend to bruise easily bad in the blood I'm telling you 'cause I just want you to know me - know me and my family we're wonderful folks, but don't get too close to me 'cause you might knock me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Knock me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up

Mary have mercy now look what I've done but don't blame me because I can't help where I come from and
Running is something that we've always done well and mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from
Run from their pity from responsibility run from the country and run from the city
I can run from the law I can run from myself I can run from my life I can run into debt
I can run from it all I can run 'til I'm gone I can run for the office and run for my cause
I can run using every last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot

Run from my family they're hiding inside of me
Corpses on ice
Doubt me if you like but just don't tell
My family they'd never forgive me they'd say that I'm crazy but they would say anything if it would
Shut me up
Shut me up
Shut me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Shut me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up
Me up

but yea, there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do

2009-09-23T15:47:00.001-07:00

anybody know how i can get this as my twitter picture?? anybody?? anybody??

i broke the dam

2009-09-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

it's nearly 3 am and i'm bored out of my skull. can't anyone help me?? i guess now would be the perfect time to clean as i'm positive no one will disturb me. ehh. for some odd reason i'm not in the mood for teevee OR food. if you can imagine such a thing. i came home from work yesterday, watched south park, ate some chicken noodle soup, and passed out. i slept for 9 freakin' hours. i suppose i'll wait an hour, bathe, and head on into work, if they'll let me. man, this sucks.

on a lighter note, i purchased a yoga ball the other day. now, i don't look quite as silly as the guy in this video, but then again, i'm not exercising with it yet. i've replaced my computer chair with it and so far, i'm in love. even if you're not actively trying to do anything, just wiggling, bouncing, and trying to stay balanced will keep you moving literally non stop. i love it. i've probably burned a good 6 or 7 calories. i even whipped out my capris for this update to appear more zen like. :: DEEP BREATH ::

now. off to the bath. i've worked up quite a sweat. whew!!

to some evil yuppie couple with a child

2009-09-11T20:41:00.001-07:00

so drunk i'm crying at youtube. please click on the title of my post for today's favorite song.

dear old house that i grew up in
it isn't your fault that this went down

in an attempt to put my mind at ease and stop googling bad things, i decided to clear my head. what better way to do that than with alcohol?? i got piss drunk and put on a ton of make up. i think my back is sweating my face has so much make up on it. good god, man. it's boiling in here!! i also decided to bake some cookies. what kind you ask?? fuck you and mind your own god damned business!! ehh, i'm sorry. they were peanut butter cookies with a dash(yeah, that's right, a sprint) of oatmeal. 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of peanut butter, and 1 egg. i sprinkled in some oatmeal and some milk. cooked for approximately 18 minutes. a couple of the smaller ones burned, but on the whole, it turns out they're pretty damned good.

alright. this screwdriver's whoopin' my ass. i'm going to lay down.

if you want to live high, live high and if you want to live low, live low

2009-09-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

i tried googling pictures of abused dogs for this particular update, but after nearly losing my lunch: i quit. i took a nap on the couch earlier with my living room window open. i heard the array of after school annoyance from the kids bustling across the street. some brat was screaming VERY loudly at shadow to go home. so, after i heard the second yelp, i got up. a minute later, i looked out my window and this child was literally beating her puppy in my front yard. screaming in her face, stomping her ribs HARD, and pulling her tail. i started screaming at the top of my lungs before i realized it. when she heard me and realized the gibberash i was hurling at her. the reply i got was "no, no. it's okay. mama told us we could do that. she lost her collar and we're supposed to do that if we can't get her to come home." i *almost* called animal control, but it's 7:30 at night and i don't know if they'd come out this late. i tried explaining to the 60 pound child that if you openly beat a german shepherd in front of other children, the next child who doesn't live with this dog will think it's okay if they get mad and is going to wind up missing a hand. literally. or god forbid, they beat THEIR dog when they get mad. only THEIR dog may be a 1 1/2 pound chihuahua and they may break every bone in their body.

seriously?? do people seriously tell their kids it's okay to stomp their dogs as hard as they please?? what fucking year is this?? am i THAT far into redneckville that THIS is the shit i have to see when i look in my own front yard?? it's pathetic. the saddest part is, since the mother condoned it, the child will never understand what's so wrong about it and will teach her brood one day to do the same.

so, Shadow was all splayed out on the ground, terrified to move. i went out there and picked her up. turns out even at 8 months old, those dogs are heavy. hoo. goodness. i carried her home for her sake. my pocket book's awful tight this week, but i'm tempted to run to wal*mart tonight to buy this pup a harness. she said she's too strong for the collar they had her on and kept breaking it so now they put her on a choke collar when they tie her outside.

my heart broke a little inside. why do people even buy dogs?? i just don't understand.

because even if i went with you, i'm not the girl you think i am

2009-09-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

in my emotional roller coaster ride i've been straddling this week, i've been bombarded with a plethora of new feelings from hour to hour. in the past two days, at least, the majority of them have either been down right GLEE or an over abundance of positive energy. there was a spell today around lunch time that i had convinced myself that someone that i love very much was going to die very soon and ultimately, it was going to be my fault. i'd also convinced myself that le boyfriende was having an affair and that my best friend hated me again because i misunderstood what she said earlier about the air conditioner. how could i be so blatantly stupid and unobservant?? i spent the next long while avoiding contact with anyone in the office, too embarrassed to look around. after i unwedged this stick from my anus, i went back to bustling about the office doing my work and stealing what work i could from the others. i still managed to be finished well before my cut time. i hung around as long as i could, but i felt guilty about riding the clock, so i left.

i've been cleaning the house for a good 2 1/2 hours now and i keep forgetting how disgusting of a person i am. have i told you i'm a pack rat?? that i cannot throw ANYTHING away?? last night i actually found insurance cards in my bathroom that expired in 2006. SIX. 2000 and 6. not in a box or put up, but OUT on my bathroom counter. why exactly?? i have no clue. i've found SO many things completely saturated in cat urine. oh, god. sometimes i think my cats are just bored with the litter box and try to find new and exciting things to pee on. like they get all wompiejawed and stand upside down and sideways and try to make it through the cracks in doors to hit something 15 feet away in a closed room. how do they pee on SO MUCH STUFF?? i have a recliner in my bedroom that smelled bad enough from my nephew's unbathed ass living in it for the year he lived with me in the duplex. now the whole chair WREAKS (hmm, who knew this was spelled with a "W"?? spell check, i guess. moving along.) of cat urine. i feel bad because it's, um, not on MY side of the bed. sorry, bebe. um, my bad?? if i were strong enough, i'd move it out of here tonight and try to get it to the end of the road. on top of being urine soaked, it's also been ripped to shreds, and is broken from many months of ploppage (that is, to "plop" one's ass into it with a great amount of force.).

alright. that closet isn't going to clean itself.

I'll follow you into the dark

2009-09-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

i got on Lexapro last week for my depression and anxiety swings. i spent the majority of my weekend unconscious and apathetic about most everything. a little too apathetic. needless to say, i was not depressed OR anxious about ANYTHING for a good 5 days straight. i finally took myself off of lexapro monday. why?? well, without going into extensively offensive detail, i had the most desensitized sex of my life this weekend and didn't really care at the time. this was the final straw in the un-jane-ing jane project. i won't have it. if nothing else, i have damn great sex and will not give up my gasms for you or anyone else, mr. lexapro!!

so, on my road back to normaldom, monday was filled with nervous twitches all the way back to louisiana.

tuesday was horribly, HORRIBLY, (i'm not sure if horribly really quantifies the magnitude of the situation) horribly depressing. my throat felt like it was asleep is the best way to describe that. no desire to speak. barely the physical ability. the thought of connecting eye to eye with anyone infuriated and terrified me. i was on the verge of vomiting the majority of the day. my stomach twisted in knots every time someone got near me. ugh. yesterday was SUCH a bad day. i wound up leaving work early to come home, attempt to spank it, and fall asleep. alone. with no one on earth around. at all. it was nice.

here are at wednesday. i started my period last night and i've been bursting with blood and energy all day today. it's been GREAT!! buzzed around the office all day like a little bee. got 100% caught up on my work (except for that dasted ISO report i've been putting off for the last month.) and actually wound up leaving a little early because i couldn't find anything else to do and i was about to explode. went grocery shopping. came home. paid my house note. napped as is my afternoon ritual and have been cleaning house for about 2 hours now since i woke up. i feel great. my house doesn't smell quite so toilet like. i just feel all around "accomplished" today. nothing super spectacular or anything. just had a super dee duper good day. wish they were all like today.

perhaps i'm just bipolar...........

i'll be your pet if you tell me it's a gift

2009-08-31T23:30:00.001-07:00

does my ass look big in this picture?? i feel like it does.

i don't think it's any big secret to any one here that i've had problems with depression and anxiety for a long time. i'm actually guessing since age 10-11 if i had to put a finger on it, but if i could pin point it, that might imply there are actually reasons for me being the way that i am. i think we can all agree that i've lived with these problems for way too long to try to fix them naturally now. whatever the case, i've realized i can't live my life this way anymore. i constantly work myself up into worrisome internal tornadoes ending in outbursts of bitchiness, weepiness, migraines, or excessive sleeping. occasionally all four and sometimes extras. for approximately 3 - 4 weeks now, i've had this intense weight in my chest. the intensity varies day by day, but regardless it is ever present. i realized this past friday there may be something extra special about this particular spell when i wanted to literally drive my car off a bridge on the way back to work. i was about to say i'd been having night terrors for about a month now as well, but after a bit of reading i've decided maybe they're just intense night mares. very vivid, lucid, and i often wake up sweating, crying, and/or suffocating. i'm constantly afraid. ehh, i was gonna give examples, but i don't wanna sound like a looney. one of my hugest fears is people being mad at me. daily. these fears run over me in a wave of heat and panic. for example: friday at work, i had an apple for breakfast. it was an old apple and had a dark spot. i took a knife out of the drawer and cut the bad spot out over the bathroom trash can and in a hurry, left it on the sink with apple remnants stuck to it. later that evening on the way to houston, i went into a frenzied panic because i left it on the counter and the lady that works nights would be angry once she saw it there. it's probably her knife anyway and she'll know it was me. she'll KNOW it was me. through a series of phone calls and text messages, the situation was cleared up and i had someone else clean it and return it for me, but by the end of it, i thought my teeth were going to pop out of the right side of my head and my stomach acid may eat it's way through to my intestines. my headache eventually went away later that night, but i'm starting to think i'm developing a stomach ulcer(from a culmination of other things, not just from this one incident). this occurs on a pretty regular basis though normally no one is around to witness it. the cause is always different but the feeling of terror with head and stomach pain is always the same. i feel like my world is on the verge of collapse and regardless of personal circumstance(job security, relationship security, healthier diet, exercise, enough sleep, healthy pets, etc) i can't seem make it stop. i was able to verbalize some of this on friday, which helped TREMENDOUSLY with the weight in my chest, but i still feel like something's gotta give. something major. i talked to my sister, julie, one day last week and i have an appointment set up for this wednesday to see a doctor about possibly getting on anxiety medication. i was thinking depression, but i feel like anxiety probably covers my symptoms better. which is why i'm going to talk to a professional and not simply buying pills off the street. at least this way, my company pays for my drug habit.

ladies and gentlemen, my a/c has been offically broken

2009-08-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

or rod stewart??

so.

i felt it needed blogging!!

did i tell you that i recently acquired another kitten?? a cute kitten?? a lovable kitten?? a demon possessed kitten?? because i did. we went to houston this weekend. had a blast. as always......for me at least. :) returned home sunday night, snuggled up under my big orange comforter, and closed my eyes. "closed my eyes" is apparently the signal to pounce my seemingly lifeless body. much to my surprise, i reacted with a pop to the head and a chunk on the floor. we repeated this routine for the next 4 1/2 hours until JUST about the time my alarm clock went off. 5:30 is apparently when she tuckered herself out and needed to get some rest. i SO wanted to find out where she was sleeping and just poke her until i had to leave for work.

shit head.

ride a mini pony home

2009-08-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

sooooooooooo. pinning a child to the point of crying is apparently not the best way to force them to sing their ABC's. perhaps i'm not cut out to be a teacher after all. who knew??

all i'm sayin' is, either i'm destined to be a REALLY shitty mom or people just don't discipline kids the way they used to.

Praise. The. Lord.

2009-08-16T23:09:00.001-07:00

i think she's gotten the idea. hallelujah and praise jesus. that will be all.

you're beautiful when you explode

2009-08-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

it's true. you are. and for the record, the first 1:58 of that video is useless. the one that you would be taken to once you clicked on the title. clickity click click away.

i got this cat this weekend while checking the mail. she was wandering around by the first trailer in our trailer park. the kid that lives there said she was just a stray. she's so tiny. i can't stand the thought of her being run over or eaten by something bigger.i brought her home, much to the dismay of my other kitties. she's VERY affectionate. VERY cuddly. and VERY opposed to the idea of a litter box. i was awakened at 2 something this morning with a small puddle forming between my arm and my chest. i screamed and she catapulted herself across the room leaving a trail of urine in her wake. i got up and washed sheets. well, i threw them in the hallway and went angrily back to bed. i'm ABOUT to get up and wash sheets. i'll give her credit that she can't be more than 8-9 weeks old, maximum. she's probably never seen a litter box before. OR maybe that's why her family threw her outside in the first place. because they couldn't handle being pissed on in the middle of the night. the first scenario makes me feel better. i'll deal with this headache for the next week. then, well, she'll be gone.

any body interested in a free kitten?? she's very, very sweet. eh?? eh??

Cinco de Augusto

2009-08-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

going to check the mail can be more profitable than you might think!!!
me and cinco

hex VERY upset about cinco
me making kissy face at cinco
just cinco
curious number 5
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand just cinco de augusto.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. find out what it means to thee.

2009-08-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

#1) i'm sorry that i can't give you my caloric intake until later. for the time being you'll have to settle for an actual update. my sincerest of apologies.

#2)i had an unusual feeling come over me today. it took me a while to even diagnose it. i feel that for my job's sake, i shouldn't go into too many details. recently, one of my colleagues had a slight accident at work. by "at work" i mean, on their way IN to work. on the steps. before reaching the door. before clocking on. before working. said colleague was hurt, not badly, but painfully enough. i heard later that day that said colleague went to the hospital with a workman's compensation form. (to reiterate: said colleague was not on company time nor were they doing company work) i tried to rationalize this in my head. i finally deduced that because this person did state "i've never been hurt on the job before. i don't know what to do" this obviously meant that perhaps they were doing that to cover their ass, but would surely realize once they reached work kare, that this whole shannanagin was utterly absurd and would most likely be laughed out of the doctor's office. now. i would like to interrupt this bulletin by saying that we recently received a pay cut at work. not huge. 5%. but enough to feel it. we had meetings on saving office supplies. not using too many staples. please run the markers until you have no more ink you can possibly squeeze out. that sort of thing. our company is trying desperately to conserve as much money as possible to conserve as many jobs as possible in the increasingly poopy economy. which i can respect. it bothers me that my paycheck has shrunk back to where i was 2 years ago, but i can still respect the salvation part of the sentiment. sooo, i hear today that as it turns out, our company covers you from the time reach our property and exit your vehicle to the time you exit the facility and enter your vehicle. said colleague's paperwork is being filed as we speak......assuming that we were speaking. which we're not. because quite obviously, i'm typing and you're reading.

...

this person is now talking about having to have an MRI done to make sure there's no further damage. possibly surgery in the future. now. once, i heard that, something deep down within me stirred. i couldn't quite put my finger on it. due to an act of blatant and severe clumsiness, this person is about to sue our company to pay the cost of blatantly severe clumsy medical bills. pain, anguish, and suffering are bound to follow. it very brightly dawned on me that this is greed in it's purest form. our company has allowed this person to stay employed when they could be jobless. i used the term allow very strongly and literally. i've lost respect for this person and i'm mad about it. this is a VERY rare feeling for me. as many of you may know, i am a "dupe". i am easily "duped". you can poop on my face, say you are sorry, and i will say "oh, it's okay. i shouldn't have had the big poop on me sticker on my face. sorry about that. that's my fault. i'll clean that up." i hold most people in the utmost regard whether they deserve it or not. nearly everyone i know, actually. it genuinely disturbed me that someone would do this. i hear about this kind of stuff on teevee, but they're really doing it. this is the equivalent of those chubbsters who sued mcdonalds for making them fat or scalding them with their clearly labeled "hot" coffee. the hackers who have smoked for 20 years and are surprised their lungs are riddled with cancer spots. it's just greed not even justified greed. just plain greed.

it bothered me so much, that when i went to ask our manager a question about something totally unrelated i just stood in silence after our conversation. i wanted to ask him so desperately "they're gonna dispute that, right?? they're not really gonna get money for that, right??" he just looked at me and asked if there was anything else. all i could do was walk out. it's not my business. at all. not even a little bit. but really?? aren't there like an underlying code of ethics for sane adults these days?? it's an insult for those of us who Work to gain money.

how rude.

but thank god we saved the burger king bag, right??

i made these gifts for you. they're up in my bummmmmmmmmmm.

2009-08-12T20:26:00.001-07:00

i love family guy. SO much.

arright. so, i didn't break my fast until 'round 10:30 this morning. had a small fruit cup from chick fil a for 100 calories. then followed that up about 2 hours later w/a side salad w/fat free honey mustard dressing. 95 calories. i broke down and had 17 calories worth of cheezits after lunch.

I DID 80 CRUNCHES FOR LUNCH!!! GRAHH!!

1 cup of dry corn flakes for one hunnerd. i broke down AGAIN and had 27 calories worth of MORE cheezits.

90 more calories thrown carelessly at yet another chocolate chip cookie. and lastly 240 on a broccoli and cheese smart ones meal.

AND 70 more mother fuckin' crunches!!

the most i've ever been ashamed of myself for having had an orgasm??

2009-08-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

maybe not the MOST.

arright. for yesterday i had,
a 410 calorie sausage/bacon/egg/cheese orgasmic biscuit from burger king for breakfast.
feeling very disappointed and disgusted with myself. i had
a 18 calorie portion of a regular v8. i did not vomit. i did, however, dump the rest of this "liquid" back into the earth, where it belongs. i proceeded to do 130 crunches(once again, i did not vomit.) and a few of the most ridiculous looking crunches ever.
last night, i had a couple of slivers of garlic bread. i don't know how many calories, so i'm gonna assume "0".
for supper i had
at first: cheese ziti meal that tasted like pure fecal matter 150 calories wasted, so i switched to
a smart one chicken lasagna for 270 calories.
topped THAT off with 1 1/2 weight watchers chocolate chip cookies. it was like a tiny orgasm in my mouth. OH GOD!!

the total known caloric intake for yesterday:
947

diet fail. :(

i do better today.

midnight quickie

2009-08-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

to hold myself more accountable and to annoy you good people just a "little" more, i've decided to chronicle everything i eat on here. unless of course i've over eaten and am just too ashamed to do so. in which case, i will lie.

for today:
1/2 bottle sobe life water(grape!!): 40 calories
1 tomato and lettuce sammach on butter white bread with light mayonnaise: 170 calories
1 special K blueberry bar: 90 calories
1 Smart One beef pot roast with mixed vegetables: 180 calories
aaand lastly:
what i have deemed to be approximately 1 cup of raisin bran: 210 calories

all in all: 690 calories for today.

Man. Who Stank Up The Shitter??

2009-08-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

a kid i used to go to school with now works for one of our customers here in shreveport. took me FOREVER to realize who he was. he said he still lives in castor and asked what i'd been up to. i said i'd moved out of saline about two years ago and had bought a "house" and was living up here now. And also that i was waiting for saline to burn to the ground along with everyone in it. i realized as the words were escaping from my mouth, they were the wrong ones to say. i think i offended him. his entire family is from saline and his mom teaches there. she was our school counselor and did business math and business english and that kind of thing. VERY sweet lady. loved her to pieces. aaaaaaanyway, apparently he still has a lot of friends down there. so, great. now i feel like uppity conceited shit. blah. when i realized who it was i screamed "OH, SHIT!! YOU GREW UP!!" he said "yeah.............so did YOU." i'm not sure if that was a fat joke or a pretty joke, so i'm gonna go ahead and take it as the latter. i haven't seen him since like 6th or 7th grade. he hasn't grown any taller and he still has the same tiny nasal voice. so, weird. it's odd to me seeing people i think of as children overweight, dirty, and with facial hair. and by that i mean, the children of my mind have grown into men. actual MEN. tax paying, beard growing, job holding, tobacco spitting, children producing MEN. how can this be?? when did we get so old?? this sent me into raging panic mode. realizing how badly i need to get my tubes tied. and uh, coudja keep those cigarettes and beer away from me, please. oh, gahd. i need to dye my hair, too!! or something....................maybe just start my bleedin'. maybe that would fix this. geigh.

i see your hiney, so nice and shiney!!!

2009-07-22T15:21:00.001-07:00

HEAVEN FORBID I FIND ONE SINGLE PICTURE OF THE SALAD DRESSING I WAS LOOKING FOR!! THE SALAD DRESSING I LOVE SO MUCH!! THE SALAD DRESSING I'M WAY TOO FUCKING LAZY TO GET OFF MY ASS AND GO LOOK AT IN THE FRIDGE!!!

GOSH!!

heaven forbid, indeed. instead, here's a nifty little site dedicated to nothing but foods to which you would apply such a dressing. the dressing of YOUR choice. the dressing that YOU are not to lazy to walk into your kitchen and look at. :( wish i was that ambitious.

i like: this
aaaaaaand this
aaaaaaaand this
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this

and that's all i have the energy for.

except for maybe this.

lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil

2009-07-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

as it turns out, i am apparently NOT responsible enough to handle the responsibility of going out drinking without a chapperone. :: sigh :: now, this picture is of course, NOT me, but i would never take a picture like this of myself. that'd just be silly. and embarrassing. i tried taking a picture of myself the following day, but it kept coming out blurry. couldn't keep my hand still long enough i guess.

stephanie and i got all gussied up and went out saturday night to the warehouse in down town shreveport. dirtfoot played. good band, btw. how often do you get to see a banjo, sax, and stand up bass in a hard rock club?? seriously?? we went. bought our first drink downstairs. kinda bland. meh. we proceeded to move UPstairs and meet a little girl who was working her first night at a bar all by herself!! congrats, girl whose name i do not remember!! thanks for the alcohol poisoning!! anywho, so i got stephaho to buy my drink and she said she filled it nearly to the ceiling with vodka, then sprinkled the top with a dash of orange juice. tasted like POOP, but being the borderline alcoholic i am, i drank it anyway. rather quickly. whew. heads kinda spinnin a bit. meh. on to drink NUMBER 3!! made the same way, i assume. by this time my tongue had already gone numb. time warped by rather quickly from this point. eventually, i realized i had to pee, because i hadn't done so in the hours we'd been there. wandered into the ladies room where my body thrust me onto the counter and slammed my head into the mirror and i.........guess.........fell asleep. shortly thereafter, a nice little girl named casey woke me by playing with my hair and telling me how much she enjoyed seeing girls enjoy themselves. cute little bugger. short, multiple tank tops and bracelets, a beret, and little black glasses like mine. she bought me some water and then wouldn't allow me to pay her back for it. long lost lesbian love?? perhaps. she helped me off the counter, i went and found the steph, and we started wandering to club latino. on our way there, we met a nice man named tyreeeeeeeeee, who claimed to be a woman but with a dildo in his pants <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i told him i was a lesbian and never liked any penis i ever got and tried to walk away with an "ooh, yucky" look on my face. my counter part stopped to giggle and hug. i kept walking praying at the very least, if i WERE going to be raped, i'd at least be able to pee and take my tampon out first. oh, please, lord, please!! we managed to make our way unscathed to the bar. ran STRAIGHT to the bathroom, peed and removed previously mentioned tampon, and commenced with the destruction of their toilet. vomit reigned supreme!! i'll spare the next hour's worth of details. in short, "boohoo!! fuck off!! boohoo!! but i don't wanna eat the cilantro and onion laden taco!! you can't make me!! is that taco on this toilet seat?? was that mine?? barf!! and boohoo!!" i then found stephanie in the stall next to me in the position featured above. nice, right?? looked around and the manager and a friend were in the stall with us screaming we had to get out NOW because the paramedics were on their way and basically, she wasn't dying in his bar. we got her up and tried to walk out, but the floor was too slick. what's that?? MY vomit all over the floor?? luckily, she was drunk enough that no one had seen me paint it that way. i couldn't get my balance, so the manager/goonie placed his hands on my ass and shoved me forward sliding through the muck. oh, yeah. it's EXACTLY as sexy as it sounds.

superman called me a cab was called. we were dropped at the house. we blasted through the front door just in time to vomit once more. and by once, i mean many, many, MANY dozens more times.

sunday was, simply put, bad.

how was YOUR weekend??

he's not afraid to drown. no, my baby's not afraid to go down

2009-07-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

*yawn*

10:39 on a saturday night. sleepy as hell and about to go out drinking with a female ONLY for the first time since....pppshhh....what?? november?? october, maybe?? feeling strangely anxious about going. partially anxious in an "ooh, yay" kind of way, but partially in an "anxiety ridden" kind of anxious way. why?? not sure. i'm not on like a man hunt or anything. guess i'm just not used to being left alone on my own anymore. will i be able to handle the responsibility?? CAN i remember to not drink too much and drive myself home properly?? OR will i be able to score a safe parking lot in which to pass out?? CAN i only spend the 20 bucks i have in my pocket AND resist the urge to steal strange men's wallets?? CAN i remember that i'm not as skinny as i used to be and not EVERYbody wants to see/touch my tummy?? CAN i remember that a boobie grope is NOT an appropriate way to score free drinks?? why is that?? once you get drunk they're pretty much numb anyway. meh. things are as they are, i suppose. boobies: officially OFF LIMITS. so, yeah. jane's first night out as a big girl in 8 months.

wish me luck!!!

But I Guess You'll Never Know

2009-07-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

at least not really anyway.

i was running earlier today and pulled a muscle in the back of my shoulder blade. is that even possible?? from running on your LEGS, NOT your arms??

i've decided to clean out my bookmarks a little, so i'm here to share with you these links. enjoy. or don't you self loathing bastard, and find your own god damned links. here we go:

Never Know is how i feel every time i decide i'm gonna be all super duper sweet and show someone how much i care. i normally come up with TONS of ideas then realize they're all so very lame and just go on like the person i'm trying to be sweet for never existed and maybe, just maybe they'll channel a vibe of goodness from me telepathically.

Cats Praying is a little video i'm a bit ashamed of giggling at so hard. but YOU watch it and see if you can supress the snicker. if you can, fuck you. if you can't, congratulations, you're apparently normal.

Parade of Lost Souls has some bad ass pictures. i've been wanting for a little while now to gather all my old make up that i never use any more and put everything together for a zombie photo shoot. or hooker. or clown. whatever. just use up my old make up and have some drunken fun in the process. this will probably not happen because i never follow through with ANYTHING i want to do, but if it does ever happen, i promise to show you pictures.

The Onion: Brobama. a video that tickles me to my soul. i hated the whole obama uprising fanfare blabbity blip. yick. i hate politics as is, but crikey. "if you could shove that a little further down my throat, please. i don't think you've penetrated my bowels yet. keep trying, you're almost there." bleigh.

Cat House on the Kings is something that i myself have always dreamed of doing. having a huge sanctuary. i fucking LOVE things like this. let's you know there's still good people out there. not the crazy kind, the real ones. i love this so much. she gets TWO links.

Peanuts: the later years

Healthy Yum. a blog dedicated to good tasting healthy body fuel. or at least, very, very pretty body fuel.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, derlin; had this damned song stuck in my head all day.

arright. enough links for one day or as much as i'm giving you. fuck oif and come back later.

I'd like to buy a bowel, please.

2009-07-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

i went to houston for the three day weekend we had. happy retrospective independence day, everybody!! had a blast. not a lot of "doing" anything, per say, but i enjoyed myself thoroughly nonetheless. on the way home, i stopped by taco bell in lufkin, tx. that was around 1 am yesterday morning or so. i got home. i snuggled up in my nice warm bed and promptly started to poop myself sideways. (i, uh, was able to hobble myself to the bathroom before the violence occurred.) much vomiting ensued as well.

i, of course, called in sick to work. because seriously......................just no. i don't poop at work as it is on a healthy day. i don't really think i could've survived the day as i was this morning. i would've spent the majority of my dispatching time in between pukin's napping on the dirty ass work floor.

WELL. did YOU know that if you call in on a day following a holiday, you're not paid for either unless its excused by a doctor?? me neither. so, i marched my not so happy ass up to the quick kare and two hours later walked out with a note that simply states "please excuse jane for 7/6/09". really?? two hours?? but i did get to watch home improvement for a while in the waiting room. haven't seen that show in fo-evah. here are the pictures i took once FINALLY allowed into an exam room and then sitting there for 25 minutes waiting on my doctor to arrive trying desperately not to fall back asleep:

me dying:
the heart rate measurer thingie and the ear lookie innie things:
these are the cabinets, in which, i believe severed heads are kept. never had the balls to open one.
reaching the breaking point of my "bored shitless"ness. look how i hold TWO posters, count 'em TWO posters with my mere fingers!!
i have finally succumbed to being officially "bored shitless". this is their trash can. isn't it a pretty trash can?? it's for bio hazardous materials. isn't that nice?? what a pretty, pretty can can.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that concludes our visit to the doctor's office.

You have the potential to be beautiful

2009-07-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

This is definitely the most depressive video I've watched in a WHILE. I understand and respect the concept of this video. I truly do. There are times when i sit home and watch my stomach tumble onto the floor(that may be slightly exaggerated) and think to myself, you know 100 years ago, I would've been considered hot. H.O.T. Good sturdy birthing hips, nice rounded Greek tummy, a small foot, and long dark hair. Every farmer's dream girl, right?? Wrong-o. Not the 2009 farmer. Newp. It's NOT acceptable to be who you are anymore. You have to be yourself improved x 3. You're obligated to meet your perfect potential or you're just kind of a fatty. UNLESS you've got some other AMAZING skill that can allow people to overlook your less than perfect physical appearance. An awesome sense of humor, brains out your ass, art and music creativity flowing from every pore. Something like that. Which of these things do I possess?? Um, I'd say a good standing in the position of the "fatty". (Speaking of which, I'm down to 145 again. Woo!! Look at me go.) I really do respect what these people are trying to do and have been tempted myself after reading her blog to maybe even participate. I won't, but I am tempted. I totally believe that your body is basically a culmination of all of your years. Every blemish, every scar, every unsightly stretch mark is a road map in the journey of jane's life(or rather your own). BUT society on the whole doesn't allow you to embrace that. SO, instead of being all different and innovative and saying to myself "I'm about 25 pounds heavier than what THA MAN tells me I should weigh, but I love myself the way that I am", I'm going to continue on until I get back (fingers crossed) to the weight I was at 2 years ago. A good sickly looking 125. I was told constantly that I was too skinny, but in my head I was still a rolling tub of lard, I just couldn't figure out how to lose down any further than I was. THEN I actually DID develop some confidence and began to eat on a regular basis without vomiting and BAM!! Look at me now. A portly 145. Jeepers. Now, instead of "whoo, you really look healthy now that you've put on some weight" i get "eek, you were soooo hot before. would you like to see a picture of what you looked like before?? when you were attractive?? i've got pictures of where you were holding Chippy before you turned into 'this' ". That's a quote, by the way. AAAAAnywho, what I'm saying is: if THIS lady is happy with herself and truly believes the blabbity blip that i posted above that I fully support and respect her for that and genuinely hope that she reaches millions of women with low self esteem and convince them the better they feel about themselves, their bodies will naturally whip themselves into shape. whatever shape that may be. maybe not "perfect" but the shape it's meant to be. just healthy. healthy and normal.

BUT unfortunately, I have succumbed to the dark side and will continue to starve/vomit and feel guilty until I am where I feel that society wants me to be.

before it ends just tell me where to begin

2009-06-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

i haven't gotten off my lazy ass to take a bath in TWO days. those are probly my drawers. whew.

the lady i cleaned my house for never took me up on my offer. a little disappointing that all that cleaning was done for nothing. a little disappointing that she's still sitting at the hospital sleeping in those old uncomfortable chairs, but...........what can you do?? leave the invitation open and maybe she'll take it if she decides to.

the plan was to go by and pick him up some antiboredom goodies, but i'm starting to get the impression that may not be necessary. sooo, instead i'm just supposed to head over and visit for a while tomorrow afternoon. ah, the dreaded hospital visit. bleigh. i've always really liked this guy, though. he's always been genuinely kind to me. i hate to be one of those people "i'd rather remember him the way he was." well, THIS is the way he is now. i hate to know he's still alive and "kicking" in a hospital somewhere and i was too selfish because i didn't wanna ruin the way i think of him from 5 years ago. it's not his fault if i can't remember him then and now. maybe i should work on my memory skills.

what a wonderful world

2009-06-29T21:46:00.001-07:00

my sister's dead husband's father was recently put into the hospital. he's older and has developed a plethora of health problems. diabetes, dementia, diapers, the works. so, his wife (we'll call her "barbara") has been sleeping in a chair at the hospital for the past few days hoping she'll be able to catch him awake since apparently it's a rarity. so, i told said widowed sister to tell her that if she'd like a real bed to sleep in she'd be more than welcome at my house. i have an extra room and e'erthing. i gave her my number and directions and came home to clean like the dickens. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand so far no mrs. barbara. :( all this scrubbing for naught. maybe. she may be in shreveport for a few more days though. she may break down and come over. i don't really know the lady all that well, but i hate to think of her being forced to sleep all crumpled up in those dasted uncomfortable chairs. it's inhumane to leave her there.

he apparently just slips in and out of consciousness from what i understand and constantly forgets who's there. i gotta figure that when he's awake he's gotta get pretty bored just sitting there waiting to fall back asleep. tomorrow after work, i'm heading to good will. they have paperback books there for 50 cents a piece. maybe i can get him a couple things. deck of cards perhaps?? crossword puzzle?? i dunno.

will let you know how that visit goes. wish him luck!!

surprise goody basket for the weekend

2009-06-28T20:09:00.001-07:00

guess YOU mother fuckers will have to wait till monday!!

i've been without internet for a week now and now that i have it back, i can't think of a damned thing of interest to search. :: sigh :: woe is me. hmph. boring is me, more like it, but i suppose woe will be sufficient enough.

i've *almost* come to terms with the fact that i'm living in the technological "dark ages". i have my really nifty super duper sleek little computer that mr. lovah lovah built for me that i can pretty much play freecell on and look up the occassional youtube video. this and looking at pretty pictures on google are about the extent of my knowledge on the interwebs. i know it's sad. i'll wait while you grab a hankie..................

welcome back!! in an attempt to branch out a little, i've joined Twitter. my name is, as if i even have to tell you: janeqdoe42. AND just so i don't venture TOO far out of character, after signing up for twitter, i had a yelling match with my magic glow box for a good 3 to 4 minutes because i couldn't figure out how to add my damed picture. BAH!! i tell you, BAH!!! so, i *think* i've either got janedoe beside my name in tiny tiny letters or me_being_vein beside my name. as usual, i'll attempt to get someone else to fix this for me in the week to come.

such a neverending noobie. : (

friday morning emails 'round the office.nothing better to do.

2009-06-26T07:04:00.001-07:00

did i ever tell you about the guy named robby that victor used to work with at (internet edit)?? he's was a bigger guy, possibly part albino who fell madly in love with me. he used to tell me the only reason he stayed being victor's friend was so he could come to our house and see me. what a dick, right?? WELL. a few months after victor stopped working there, he eventually stopped coming around, because let's face it: i'm kind of a bitch. SO. a few months later than THAT, he said a former co-worker came into the bowling alley(where victor then worked) and told him that robby had died. he had some kind of lung disease and it had finally gotten to him and he died in the hospital a few weeks prior and he had missed the funeral. so, victor came home and told me all about it and i laughed and called him a liar. he got all pissy and yelled at me because one of his friends had died and i didn't even care. so, i said "well, that's cause you're lying." because victor used to make up fanciful stories ALL the time because i'm what you'd refer to as "gullible". we've argued about his death for a year and a half.

day before yesterday, i went to pay my water bill and i was talking to vicky on the phone and said "wow. that looks like the back of robby's head. that's weird." "nuh-uh. robby's dead." "no, seriously. that really looks like the back of robby's head" "NUH UH!! ROBBY IS DEAD!!"

so, i went inside and sure enough. there's stands a big pink robby. alive as.........well. as alive as living things generally are. i said "HEY!! victor told me you died." "WHAT??? WHY??? WHY WOULD VICTOR SAY THAT???" i explained it to him and he got his feelings all kinds of hurt. poor fella. he asked me where i lived and i said "right over there" and he said "yeah, i knew you weren't living in the duplex anymore 'cause i've gone by there a few times." odd. said he was getting married, blah, blah, blah. i'm madly in love but NOT getting married, blah, blah, blah. he offered me his cell phone number but i declined because #1)i hate talking on the phone unless its to victor or stephanie and #2)i'd REALLY rather not start that up again. it was frustrating enough the first time around. nice guy but you can only tell someone you're not interested so many times before you're forced to become a megabitch. "you're so pretty." "watching a movie, robby." "you know i love you??" "Watching a movie, robby." "i've never felt this way about a girl before. you're so nice to me." "Watching A Movie, Robby." "i love you." "I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GOT DAMNED TEEVEE!!!!"

so. yeah. robby: alive.

i told rodney the story and he said he's probably peddling stuff at the water bill paying place because the price for reanimating his corpse was probably a bitch and he's having to get money anyway he can.

so. yeah. robby: possible reanimated corpse instead.

how is YOUR morning, katie bug??? :)

idiocy and hypocrisy

2009-06-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

i'm having to update from work so i'm gonna have to censor my language a bit, just in case:

i'd like to start out by apologizing to my reader(s). i'm sorry because i apparently DO feed trolls and occasionally DO read spam. i received a little troll nugget the other day via yahoo messenger stating something to the effect of i'd like to lick your hips up one side and down the other or something round about in that general vicinity. so, i got piss drunk and stewed over it for a while.

shortly there after, i had one of the most intense "cervical spams" in my life due to a little gem purchased from eros 1207 with the nocturnal magician playing the part of the executer. this is not "actually" relevant to the rest of the story, but i hate for such an extraordinary event to go unmentioned. $14.99 WELL SPENT!!!!!

four days later, my curiosity could stand it no more. i emailed said troll back askin' what was the dealio?? give or take the wording. to sum up the next two days for you: i'm an unforgiving soul less bitch who nothing is good enough for and is also apparently only attracted to men who use and abuse her. but seriously dear reader, when has this even ever been in question?? i am attracted to assholes. or perhaps, better put. um. men in charge?? i like a man to be a man. it just so happens the VAST majority of the time, the men i choose always go to some form of male extreme. the last significant chosen male had an eXtreme over abundance of testosterone which he, unfortunately, could not keep tabs on. as well as a bit of a power ego. no matter how passive aggressive it may have been, it was what it was: definitely a need for power. wow. what an amazing achievement that was. beating ME down. the cats always want to dominate the mice, you know?? the easier the prey, the better?? i guess. meh.

anyhoo. i'm writing this in pieces at work and i feel it's becoming a big fat sweaty mangled story about nothing. it flows better in my head. promise. i'm mean and unforgiving and inconsiderate and apparently nailed jesus christ to the cross with my own bare hands. sounds like something i'd do.

what a heartless bitch i turned out to be.

"i never feed trolls and i don't read spam""

2009-06-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

that will be all.

you're so vain. you probably think this blog is about you.

2009-06-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

a rare good picture of myself. YOU WILL DEAL WITH MY VANITY!!!

i think there's a fairly good possibility that i may have just lost my god damned mind. i consider myself, all in all, a pretty emotionally stagnant human. the kind you're supposed to be at my age. unless of course you have children. then you'd be squealing with delight over the beautiful waste your perfect baby has decided to allow to you to behold. how marvelous a mighty bowel movement this is!! how splendiferous is THIS turd!! you get my point. i *try* to take most things in life with a solemn face. my emotions are my own and none of your business unless i decide to verbally inform you of them. but not until then. i do not laugh. i do not cry. i do not yell or throw tantrems or anything of the like. there are an eXtremely small number of people exempt from this rule. eXtremely, eXtremely small.

i've recently become enamored with a little teevee show i like to call "dead like me". i get the feeling the sci fi channel likes to call it "dead like me" as well. which is kind of an odd coincidence, isn't it?? hmm. it's the story of a girl who gets killed in a freak accident involving a toilet seat and suddenly finds herself as a Grim Reaper. she pops people's souls Just before they die then helps them on to whereever is they're going. i was watching "reaping havoc" tonight and there was a scene in an irish pub where a man is celebrating his birthday with a merry jig atop a bar. he's genuinely joyful and is surrournded by family and friends watching him perform said jig which is unknowingly to be his last. he's skewered by a swordfish, very shortly thereafter. so..........i commenced to crying. A.L.O.T. i cried for the next 15 solid minutes until the show was over. every thing betty said to george made me cry. everything that george said to rube made me cry. when they left the note on the dead sister's door from jesus, i squalled so hard and so much, i think i scared the cats. at the very least, sent them into a hell of a confusion. (why is she leaking so much??)

i finally had to pause it and take a bathroom break before my head exploded. luckily the release of urine relieved a little of the pressure build up.

what the hell is wrong with me??

*whew* now.

back to my show.

she dyes it black, black, black, black NUMBAH OOOOOONE

2009-06-03T14:10:00.001-07:00

have i ever mentioned that i have an older sister who is rather, shall we say "uptight"?? her children are home schooled. their television access is Very limited, as well as the music they're allowed to listen to. my niece is not allowed to pierce her ears, wear make up, tank tops, glittery clothes, along with a Wide variety of other restrictions.

well.

guess who just got hot pink hair. with PERMANENT dye no less. did i say permanent?? because when i said PERMANENT, i meant that they used BLEACH to remove the brown from my little morgan's hair and then put PERMANENT PINK in its place which will NOT wash out. has the apocalypse snuck up on us without me noticing?? hence the "sneakage", i guess. my perception of cautious child rearing has been altered forever.

this is one crazy upside down world.

you can brush my hair; undress me everywhere.

2009-06-02T22:13:00.001-07:00

please watch THIS video. most disturbing video ever?? quite possibly.

slap me in my mouth 200 times every other day

2009-05-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

on may 16th, (that'd be saturday before last) the rodster and i went to go see Hedwig and the Angry Inch. it was very, very small, but they did an amazing job recreating the story. i didn't start taking pictures until the second half of the show. unfortunately, i didn't get a picture of him wearing The Wig. AND in case you haven't noticed before, the camera on my phone takes hArrible pictures. just harrible. enjoy:

this is just a random band mate she conjured up when they were asking for tips. this was one of the mouths it was going go feed.
this is hedwig and yitzhak. in the movie, yitzhak was a grungy, white trash "gentleman" with a scruffy beard. this person did not even Resemble a man. :: sigh :: guess they got her for her pipes.

yitzhak during "his" solo. terrible, terrible picture. amAzing pipes.
aaaaaaand here we are, realizing oh my god!! yitzhak is actually a woman and hedwig is actually a man. a man with teeny, tiny little chicken legs. but he had stomach fuzz that i could see from 20 feet away without my glasses so i guess it balanced out............a little.
that's all, folks.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

2009-05-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

clicking on the title will take you to a nifty little video...i LOVE fiona apple.

PMS emotional train wreck headed your way. consider yourself forewarned. seriously. take heed!!

so. i struggle with my weight. i was a good, steady 127 pounds for years and years. then last year blew through and i finally plateaued out around 150 pounds last spring. i haven't been able to get my weight back down since. i never had this problem before i turned 25. i don't know if this is a direct result of just my body settling itself into its late 20's. maybe it was the freedom of breaking away from an oppressive, abusive, stressful, bulimia inducing relationship. of course i realize my 25th birthday was not until 6 months AFTER the official break up, but 25 pounds must be put on gradually, you understand.

maybe it had something to do with my overweight lovey bucket nephew moving in with me and cooking HUGE pots of pasta and getting his feelings hurt when i wouldn't eat his cooking. and always enticing me into fast food with a bat of the eye and a soft "you wanna go to kfceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??" it got me every time.

regardless, i am where i am however i got here. bloated, squishy, and owning a pair of oddly separated hips. seriously, you should see me naked just to witness this anomaly. i've tried dieting, but temptation always gets the better of me. i've tried exercising, but i slack off the instant i begin to feel healthy and see results. after all, what better way to reward all that hard work than one night splayed out on the couch with a glass of milk and a bowl of double stuffed oreos. right??

i eat less than 1200 calories a day, but that's not seeming to make a difference.

i've tried putting a skinny picture of myself on my refrigerator. all that does is induce a depression attack every time i go there and i wind up hating myself with every bite i take. oh, i still take them, but i can't fully enjoy them.

after i eat, i usually hold my stomach, swear to myself this won't happen again, and begin the self loathing process all over again.

then when i take a bath and have to see myself in her entirety wet and exposed, i hold my stomach, hips, and underboobs and fight back tears as i wash the miles and miles of continuous flesh.

too much?? well, i gave you the disclaimer up front for a reason.

tonight, i started looking up eating disorders to pick up a few "less conventional" weight loss tips. here are some interesting tips that i got from an Ana Mia website, not that i'm interested in becoming friends with ana or mia(again) but these tips are intriging to me nonetheless:

Eat in front of a mirror naked. See how much you can eat then!

Wear perfectly applied lip gloss. It makes you more aware of what's going in your mouth.

When going out, take only the amount of money you'll need. Nothing extra, that way you won't be tempted to spend it on food.(yeah, unless you have a debit card. wtf?? was this written in 1982??)

Have 6 small meals a day. Take 2 apples, and split them so you can make 6 meals out of them. That way your body will be tricked into thinking it's eating more.

Find a buddy onine, and do fasts with them, competitions, or just have someone to email when you're craving.(where the hell do you find one of those??)

Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy, or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get to 100 you will have convinced yourself that you don't really want it.

If you're right handed, eat with your left hand. It will take a lot longer to get the food to your mouth.

Find something that makes you feel ill or unpleasant and think or look at it as you eat. After a while you may begin to associate food itself with unpleasantness.(this is one i've actually done. i may be delving too much into the personal realm here, but when brad and i used to eat, i would concentrate hard on how he used to bitch about his ex wife being so fat. this would curb my appetite greatly. it would ALSO generally give me very severe bathroom problems as well, but that's another story all to itself. moving on.)

Fidgeting burns 500-800 extra calories a day. Suck in your tummy and squeeze your buns, bounce your legs, sway side to side, swing your feet, etc. (i've heard this works. i try to do it myself at work.so far, still 150 pounds.)

Pay attention to when and what you are eating. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to eat this?"

Exchange a bad habit for a good one Exchange eating for yoga, or meditation, or reading more.

Brush your teeth frequently. A fresh mouth helps keep you from wanting to eat.(this definitely works. i can't stand to eat after i've brushed my teeth.)

so, we'll try some of those tips and i'll tell you on june 13th how much i weigh.

on that note, it's VERY late and i have to go to bed. BUT i commend you for hanging in there till the end. most folks wouldn't. :)

good night...

i've seen better days, but i don't care

2009-05-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

oasis got my letter in tha maaaaaaail!!

alright folks. next tuesday afternoon, i'm headed off to the boobie doctor again due to a sudden increase in the size, texture, and extreme pain sensitivity of the tumor in my right chesticle. i've looked up a couple pictures of breast cancer on google where i found this one and believe me, you'd rather be looking at this girl. so, i've decided, regardless of what they tell me. whether it turns out it's gone malignant or it's still just a plain little fatty tumor, i'm going to have it removed. my breast hurts like hell 24 hours a day and i want this thing out of me. never before has the tumor itself hurt, but i can't imagine that removing a tumor would do anything but decrease the amount of pain i'm having in the surrounding area. i'll opt to have it removed and then they can hopefully fill me back up with something synthetic. oh, how i hate the thought. ::sigh::

finger's crossed everybody!!

in the old san fransiscoooohh bay ee ay ee ay ee ayyyy

2009-05-09T20:01:00.001-07:00

looking for thumbtacks and this is what slaps me in the face when i open the first drawer. i feel like such a dirty bastard. i steal so many spoons they wind up in the dishwasher, my make up bag, and lord have mercy, my underwear drawer.

im having my first man free weekend in a while, so unsure what to do with myself last night i called up my el seestor and asked if my niece could spend the night with me. went and picked her up and we watched baseketball and passed out. this morning we watched stranger than fiction and blood and chocolate. then it was time to take her home. the night seemed so short. took her home and the family had decided to go watch the new star trek movie. it was good. you didn't really sink your teeth into the nostalgia until the second half of the movie when leanard nimoy steps in and explains why the hell the movie isn't making sense with the history of the teevee show. turns out they're in a.....wait a second. have you watched it yet?? bah. then i'll tell you later. BUT i WILL tell you that on their first away mission, they had kirk dressed in blue, sulu dressed in yellow, and an away teem member dressed in red and guess who got killed off first. it was the red one. oh, i snickered my patoot off.

what else happened?? what else?? what else??

OH!!

have i ever spoken of my brother in law?? the husband of my sister?? they have an odd parenting style. i was playing on my phone in the kitchen when i suddenly heard "no, i'm talking to god damned dipshit catey!!" my 7 year old neice who apparently knocked over a stool. shortly thereafter, he told his other 14 year old daughter to get her chubby ass out of his computer chair. then even LATER, i got told to watch my smart ass mouth and that no man will ever marry me with the attitude i have. ahhh. GOD. just can't wait to get married and pop out my first youngin'.

mmmm. can't wait!!

this is my brain and i live in it; it's not perfect but it's mine.

2009-05-05T13:42:00.001-07:00

it's where i spend the vast majority of my time. it's not perfect, but it's mine.

for anyone who may not know, whenever my little hex went missing a few weeks ago, she apparently met a boy, did the nasty, and is now carrying his illegitimate seed in her belly. i've been trying to remedy that, but with the cost of various bills, i haven't yet been able to. i recently found a rescue group in shreveport called robinson's rescue. they do low cost spay neuter surgeries. and not just for low income families. they do it for Anyone willing to bring their pet there. awesome, right?? i'd called twice before and their computer was down, but to have my baby's abortion including pain meds, rabies shot, and the scooping was only going to be $60 total. that's amazing!! but like i said their computer was down. i called again today and they said they will not be able to fit her in until june. it seems as though we can't wait that long because it looks like she could blow kittens any day now.

so, i started calling around to other vets in that general area. vet#1 did not answer the phone. vet#2 went to their voicemail. vet# 3 will not be able to get me in until next friday. vet#4 put me on hold and never returned. vet #5 said their basic surgery package was $199.95 and the termination fee was an additional $82. i promptly peed my pants.

how much "should" it cost to kill kittens these days?? seriously. maybe we wouldn't have the severe pet overpopulation problem we have in this country if more people could afford to spay and neuter their pets. that's insane. it'd be cheaper to just let her give birth to them, take them to the pound, and let THEM kill them. or perhaps have them get adopted because they're tiny and cute over an adult cat whose been patiently waiting their turn and is euthanized instead. that just seems wrong to me. i understand that veterinarians went to school to get a career and make money, but sometimes greed is just greed. poor people like cats and dogs, too and would probably(for some people) would take better care of them if they had a little help financially. they do this for poor people who have children all the time. as a matter of fact, i learned today that to have a human abortion costs roughly 400-600 dollars. i found out a while back the girl i work with had her baby with our insurance for $250 flat. done. 250.

it's cheaper to breed!! so, what is probably going to happen is i am going to suck up my pride and take her down to my current vet and take the ass raping of $180 to let them spay her there which should take them about 15-20 minutes.

the world is so backwards to me sometimes.

pee and you

2009-04-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

you know, i didn't wake up until nearly 6 this morning. got dressed in a whirl wind. didn't even get a chance to bathe. i walked in and clocked on and passed one of our dock guys who sniffed me real big "mmm, you comin in here smellin' all good. I got to smell you first this mornin. you remember that."

jack daniels black jack cola burp

2009-04-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

bah. chill out. it's fake. i'm actually bidding on this on ebay. sssshhhh. don't tell anyone. i have porn issues and i'm doing what i can. don't judge me for the steps i have to take to become a normal masturbator who can do it to blue eyed blondes with big tits being fucked by older beerbellied white guys going bald.fuck me for trying to be different.

i seriously thought about calling in with a terrible stomach virus and driving out to houston tonight. i figure as sick as i am, it's bound to last two days, right?? THEN i realized that i'm drunk and probably not make it out of shreveport before slamming my car into someone else's car and well, i think we all know what happens then. DEAD KITTENS EVERYWHERE!!! that's what. motherfucker, it's hot in here. lemme go get a tank top. hang on...........................

burp and return: i just had to run my hand through a fountain of back sweat to get my bra off. yick. you know, you often have this internal picture of yourself. as far as i'm concerned i look like THIS all the time. you can say what you want, but i am fucking amazingly hot in this picture and that's all there is to that. i fucking touch my self at the thought of it. but then you have times when you're piss drunk at 2:59 in the am and you go to the bathroom to change shirts, run your hand through a fountain of back sweat, catch a frightening look at yourself in the mirror, and realize you look like THIS. that may be slightly exaggerated. and you think to yourself. there's some poor man sleeping peacefully in texas who has to look at that face up close and in person on a semi-regular basis. does it pain him?? the roller coaster track of acne scars that are my cheeks?? those tiny boobalies on that massive chest frame?? the.............hmm. i guess right now i'm just being self conscious about my skin, breasts, and weight. alright, alright, alright. ummmmm. make up, push up bra, clothes, sex in the dark, and continuing on this KICK ass diet i've been on. self consciousness over with. bam. done. gone. seriously. it's just that easy when i'm drinking. BECAUSE although i maybe an acne ridden, small chested, fatty with a dimply ass and the propensity for saddle bags. i have what i have and i am what i am. and hopefully you'll love me enough to take that and run with it and realize there's not much hiding from that. even for me. i'm stuck here, too. you know??

switching to jack daniels wild berry jack. moving right along:

BUT. did i tell you that i've recently pretended to become a vegetarian?? i know i did. assuming i did, i've done great on my little diet thing. my lunch today including RANCH GOD DAMNED DRESSING was only 178 calories. i've done this for about a week now. houston trip excluded, i've tried to cut out any meats that i could. any sugars. and i've bought tortillas instead of bread to house my little veggie concoctions. i FEEL different. i don't know if i've actually "lost" any weight because our scales at work are broken and the folklifts (hah, 'cause they lift folks like ME{and katie}) only weigh in five mile an hour increments. so, i still show weighing 150 pounds even though i know i don't weigh that much. but regardless of actual poundage lost, the way i Feel is more important for the time being. i'd much rather be skinny and hot, but pooping on a regular basis and feeling slightly more revitalized will do for now. oh, god, did i just say poop in a personal way?? ooh hoo hoo, is jane gonna be embarrassed about that the next time she reads this. but serously, folks, i poop a ton since i've been on this all veggie diet. enjoy THAT thought. slowly slipping out of the grip of colon cancer. allllll riiiiiight. my brother died from that, you know?? you see, weren't very close so i can say that calmly. did you notice?? AND all of my mom's kids from her first marriage had to go to have colonoscopies done and EVERYbody had polyps in their colons. i feel like i should go to the doctor for this one day. OR just eat a lot of lettuce and broccoli. that's the plan i'm going with for now. the god of bowelbabies will solve all my problems and heal all my pain.

burp.

i seriously gotta go sober up before work. YEEP. hope my sweat doesn't smell like alcohol later. that would just be embarrassing. i have this problem when i drink. i have one and i can't stop. luckily, i only had a couple left in my fridge and my vodka somehow wound up in houston. so, now i'm just in the "can't quite think straight, horny as fuck, wanna break something" stage of drunkenness. i've ALSO noticed that on this diet i can get drunk WAY easier. i guess with eating veggies, you never really keep anything substantial in your stomach to store the alcohol and help you digest it more slowly. it's sort of like drinking on a empty stomach. holy shit. i haven't eaten in like 10 houts. i AM drinking on an empty stomach. THAT explains it.

i'm gonna go eat. leave a comment people. they have an annonymous thing down there for a reason. damn. rod?? mark?? william?? steve?? bill?? pheobus?? octavious?? caligula?? sabastian?? anybody??

la cucaracha

2009-04-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

i often find myself these days awake at 2 am. i've been napping when i first get home from work, waking up at midnight then returning to sleep around 4. not having any side affects or anything just wondering how long it can last. i finally got off my lazy ass a minute ago and decided to "do" something. OOH, perhaps clean out the litter boxes that are harboring the fumes that are constantly burning away my nose hairs with it's ammonia filled glory. well, i got one done. figured that bag would tear if i put the other in there with it. opened the front door and a roach fell from outside and hit me. scared the FUCK out of me. so, i screamed, dropped my bag of kitty litter, and slammed my arm against the door frame. i tried taking a real picture of my real arm, but it was so much less impressive(much less.........should it just be less. hmm) than the picture i found. although, i have several flaps of skin about to fall off my now disfigured limb.the camera on my phone takes shitty pictures so, you'll have to deal with this non jane alternative.

so, NOW, i have a painful forearm, a steaming bag of cat shit on my front steps, and i'm afraid to leave for work in the morning. what to do, what to do.

damn roach.

i wish i was special, you're so fucking special

2009-04-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

this picture makes me sad inside that i never thought to do this before. :: sigh :: maybe the next time i live with a man i hate. there's Always next time. well, unless i don't find a substantial man to be hated before i hit menopause. here goes hopin'.

i finally got up early enough this morning to "do" something and nothing's coming to mind. not in the mood for cleaning or cooking. so, bam. YOU will have my undivided attention for the next 6 to 7 minutes. you're welcome.

i DID however decide to dry clothes this morning. otherwise, i would have none. when i went to houston this past weekend, good byes were said and then the cloud 9 that carried me home, carried me that way empty handed. POOP. all of my luggage is tucked safely away inside the trunk of a man who lives a million miles away. i use a million for two reasons: #1) to signify how far away from me he feels most of the time and #2)i don't have a CLUE how far away houston is from here. 400?? 600?? beats me.

i'm drying clothes this morning because like i said, i left all mine in houston, AND yesterday some of the neighborhood kids came over and i sat outside with them for a few minutes. the 3 year old of the bunch demanded water so i went inside to get him some. when i returned, the older children had gone and left me with this little thing. what was i to do with him?? after feeding him the aforementioned water. i decided to give him a piggy back ride back to his house rather than let him continue to wander the trailer park. i figure, living in a trailer park, we HAVE to have at least one serial killer/child molester living here. up on my back he goes. the two sides of the trailer park are separated by a thin ditch. when it rains it wills with water. shocking truth, but just accept it for now so we can move on with the story. i walked him over there and there was a little water in it. i looked around until i found a dry spot in the middle. "JACKPOT!!" jane thinks to herself. i stepped on it ever so delicately and kerplunked two feet under this sewagelike mud/sludge and much to my surprise yelled out "son of a bitch!!" with a small child on my back. i figured i was already there so i went for it full force with my other foot. sooo, i had to wash clothes once i got back inside. it sounds like i'm drying severed heads in there. my shoes keep kicking the dryer door open. i'm so afraid they won't be done drying before i have to leave for work. which will be in about 7 minutes. i gotta go try to find some more shoes......

just eat it, eat it, open up your mouth and feed it.

2009-04-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

here we are. nearing the last days of being able to forgo dish washing. i think i've officially exhausted every dish i own. i'm now down to measuring cups and industrial spoons. why not just put that carrying container this food obviously came in into the microwave, you ask?? that would make sense, would it not?? well, ladies and gentlemen, i am currently without a radiation box and am having to cook on the stove and in the oven to attain the sustenance i need. impossible, you say?? jane?? cooking?? what a laugh. for starters, fuck you. secondly, as heartbroken as i was at first that my beautiful little microwave was no more, i've gotten pretty used to the idea. all of my hot meals have been prepared naturally this past week and i think i like it. luckily, i've been crawling with an inexplicable domestic feeling here lately, so this couldn't have come at a better time, i suppose. i've been putting together food in a way that I'D like to call cooking. nothing spectacular so far. like i bought some tortillas and pepperoni and made little pizza quesadillas a couple weeks ago. those were fucking dericious. tortillas, pepperoni, cheese, and tomato paste. bam. done. very, very easy. and of course, let's not forget the smothering of the sour cream. i also made a mexican casserole for easter to bring to my mom and dad's house. everything was great except the recipe called for picante sauce and you could taste all the little chucks of onions and things. i can't handle that. so, i swallowed my portion whole and left the rest at my parents. think the next time i make it, i'll just use a mild taco sauce. surely it'll have the same affect. by that i mean just the basic taste, not the texture of crunching into the yucky bits.

btw, i tried to find the link i used, but i can't so here we go. feel free to skip to the next part:
crushed doritos
browned ground meat(i added a can of cheddar cheese soup while doing this. fucking dericious is what that turned out to be)
sour cream
taco sauce(or picante sauce if you just WANT to be nasty)
and shredded cheese
you layer these items until you get to the top and bake at 350 until the cheese on top turns bubbly
then you add your shredded lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, etc
it really turned out quite nice

all my other food has been weird vegetable wraps and things of the like. like i said, nothing spectacular, but i'm at least slightly past the only pizza and macaroni and cheese stage. j/k, i haven't eaten mac and chee since i moved out of my place before last. though i've still remained quite partial to pizza.i've actually been thinking of making a homemade pizza this weekend. course i dont know how to make dough, so i'll have to buy that. but i think i can manage everything else. tomato on wheat, perhaps?? who knows?? any suggestions??

ah, hell. who am i kidding?? nobody comments on this site anymore. in that case, keep your damn opinions to yourself!! i'll cook what i want then tell you about it later.

you can deal.

good morning killer king, you're a STAR!!

2009-04-16T08:52:00.001-07:00

i went to subway last night after going to block buster. i got a wheat bread sammach with lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese, and mustard. then i realized, that's literally the EXACT thing i had for lunch yesterday at my house. only now, i've paid a stranger 4 dollars to fix it for me. i basically paid 4 dollars for a bag of cheetos.

man.

my life as a vegetarian

2009-04-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

so far in my pathetic attempt at a vegetarian quest:

monday for lunch i had left over pepperoni pizza and cheese sticks. for lunch a salad with roman dressing. wait. i mean russian dressing. salad with russian dressing. then for supper i had the Rest of the pepperoni pizza and cheese sticks. there, poison consumed and out of my refrigerator!! bam. gone. done.

today for breakfast, i had a lean cuisine with pasta, chicken, and vegetables. two cheese and veggie sammaches for lunch, and was given a free cheeseburger(to be thrown away) from sonic which i ate for supper. then some raisin bran. it's a slow cleansing process. that's it.

i realized also that i still have nearly an entire packet of bacon in my fridge. and if there's one thing worse than animals being killed for consumption, it's allowing those animals to be killed for consumption in vain and having their bodies tossed out like garbage.

:: sigh ::

i disappoint myself on a daily basis so badly. i may as well go tear a live rabbit apart with my bare teeth and drink his blood over a pentagram made of ashes of the desecrated graves of indians.

chicken chicken bo bicken banana fanna fo ficken me mi mo micken

2009-04-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

CHICKEN!!!

for the record, this video is Very graphic.

this can't be healthy to consume. seriously. you know that's where salmonella comes from?? bacteria produced by stressed out birds during egg laying . god, i really wish i were vegan. i tried going vegan/vegetarian a while back. i'm not sure what happened. i'm guessing i watched a couple animal cruelty videos and got all pumped up about doing the noble thing, then trailed back off into the oh so seductive mcdonalds trap. actually, i've come to loathe mcdonalds, but i've definitely fallen into the chick fil a and wendy's trap. at the amanda palmer concert we went to a couple weeks ago, she mentioned that she was a vegan. she has a personal "motto" that she lives by: you shouldn't eat anything you wouldn't personally kill yourself. i've heard this before and this makes perfect sense to me. i'd like to be that person. not the hypocritical meat obsessed puss who types before you. i know how this probably comes across and i know it's annoying to read. as much as i can dig anti animal cruelty propaganda all day long, i still can't stand to listen to the overzealous activists that insist you do exactly as they do because YOU are a terrible, ignorant, closed minded person. the same with overzealous christians, i suppose. there are few things more precious in the world than a true christian who loves and accepts everyone for who they are and lives by way of Showing kindness and generosity. i know because i've known some. very, Very few. as opposed to the zealot who wants to scream hellfire and damnation to your soul because you touch alcohol or fornicate or heaven forbid say a fucking curse word here and there. ehh. i think i'm trailing, but hopefully you see my point. how did i get off on christians?? christians just seem to get a bad rap alot of times just because of a few over judgemental haters over the years, when true christianity is based on love and acceptance. jesus was, after all, the ultimate hippie you know. regardless, the next time i eat processed meat, i suppose i should ask myself "what would hippie jew jesus do??" then go for the fish.

or perhaps the crustaceans, because i've heard their nervous systems are not designed the same way ours is and they somehow do not have the ability to feel pain. hold please..........................................well. now i just feel like a starving jackass. apparently they DO feel pain. and also, apparently die rather horribly.

yeek.

good morning baltimore

2009-04-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

it's nearly 5 am and i'd like to sit and write a more substantial post, let's see....... did i tell you that all pets in our trailer park have to be inside?? surely i did. do you know how much poop four healthy adult cats can produce in a single day?? a fucking LOT. that's how much. i feel like i've complained about this multiple times, but seriously, the amount of poopage these feline's produce cannot be over exaggerated. it's just SO MUCH. bleigh. i mention this because i just spent the last 15 minutes cleaning my hallway, which is where i keep the litter boxes. we gotta cut down numbers round here. need a cat or 3?? when you change your mind, you know where to come.......

alright. gotta go get ready for work so i can pretend to be on time for a change. hahaha. yeah, THAT's totally gonna happen.

stephanie is a peckerhead!!

2009-04-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

went to spencer's the other day to find a thing or two. i did not find what i was looking for, but i found a nice alternative. hopefully, it'll do. while there, we, of course, went through the adult novelty section. cause lord knows i love me some adult novelties. even though most scare the shit out of me. i'm venturing off the subject. muh bad. we found a bunch of really cute accessories, one of which, being this little beauty. the head band with bobbly penises attached. need me one of them. maybe when i finally sucker a man into signing his life away to me, someone will buy me one for my bachelorette party. actually, i'm only kidding. i'm much rather have the wedding veil with the little penises hanging all over it. one can only hope.

:: fingers crossed ::

i'm only here to amuse myself : )

2009-04-06T15:27:00.001-07:00

not that the white gravy is in any way superior; it's just what i'm in the mood for

2009-04-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

just because i feel like being wildly offensive today. honestly, though, didn't your soul just giggle a little?? that shady part right behind that wall of racial tolerance?? come on, you know it did. it's a cute picture. look, its got puppies!!

so, today is april fools day. wahoo and the like. i had planned today on coming home and writing this big elaborate post about all the crazy things that happened to me today from being sneakily robbed at the gas station this morning by that smoking guy in the orange shirt to finally taking that pregnancy test for being vaguely sick this past month and it coming up positive and how to break it to the daddy. then after posting my wonderfully well written novella, i'd go down to the bottom and post via comment "APRIL FOOLS!!" and then you would all sigh a sigh of relief, then laugh hysterically at my amazing talent for spinning yarn and i would from here on out be known simply as "The Yarn Spinner". but i think i'm just gonna tell you how my day Really went instead. IN GRAPHIC DETAIL!!! seriously. this'll prolly be a long read. may wanna grab a cup o'joe. or coffee. your choice.

i was awakened at 4 am by the most annoying thing on earth: a hotel phone. who wants to be forcibly awakened in a hotel by anything other than a non vocal mouth?? am i right?? you don't have to answer that, i already know that i am. i awoke to that, then went IMMEDIATELY back to sleep and 9 minutes later my alarm on my phone starts going off. this sounds like a mini door bell. it may annoy me almost as much as the first noise. SNOOZE GOSH DAMNIT!! i repeat this process for the next 27 minutes. i then scooooooooooooot over 12 1/2 feet to the man who's supposed to be laying next to me to ask if he is angry with me in any way since he's apparently trying to sleep as far away from my horrible self as humanly possible. he grunts me a very sweet "no, baby" and conks back out. i crawl out from under the body temperature covers to step into what i can only compare to an alaskan plain. i shivered all the way to the bathroom and put my delicate tender buttocks on the ice circle that contained frozen blue water and prayed to the gods of almighty bladder that my pee hole had not frozen shut in the time it took me to get there. fortunately, it had not. praise be to the gods!! praise, praise. i slapped on the jeans/socks/underwear/everything i wore the day before and hunted desperately for the little black tee i'd brought for today. hooo, too aggravating a story to even tell. now, generally speaking, i'm not normally too angry first thing in the morning, but i've had a grand total of like 8 hours of sleep in the past two days and i was a bit hung over. i stuck a piece of frozen pizza in the microwave and rushed myself out the door. (room key in my pocket)

i get on the road and realize i have to get gas before i get to work because i'm nearly on empty and i still have 86 miles to go. that's no good. luckily i am able to make it all the way to arcadia before i have to stop. um. nothing at all happens here. i got gas and got back on the interstate. i arrived to work 9 minutes late. fuck yeah!! this equals On Time for me.

i bob my head for about 30 minutes before i realize i need to start chugging coffee soon or somebody will be scooping my unconscious body off the floor. TWO whole cups later, i hear a jackson driver say "hooo, i don't want a piece of that. that's a big ole bitch." what the fuck?? are the drivers making fat jokes about me now?? 'cause i'll kick some shins in a heart beat. i mean, like nobody ain't never SEEN shins bein' kicked. just about that time a dog tail went streaking past the dock window. i scream "OOOH!!" and nearly fall out of my chair trying to make it outside. after getting there, i see a HUGE white and tan pitbull. i nearly pee on myself trying to get to her as she runs inside one of our holding trailers. i made kissy noises and she came flopping her happy self over to me and licked and wiggled all over me, then ran out onto the dock in the midst of a barrage of oncoming forklifts. one of our guys said they thought she came from across the street at an oil company. i called and as it turns out, she's owned by one the oil workers there who brings her to work on occassion. with play time over, i return to my desk unable to sit still without bouncing my legs and my hands shaking violently. was i that afraid/excited by the whole pit ordeal?? surely not. AH!! the coffee!! my hands continue to shake violently for the next two hours.

i go home for lunch and piddle. forgetting i promised to bring my supervisor lunch from wendy's. when i get nearly back to work i realize this and have now lost ANOTHER 30 minutes. riveting stuff, i know. read on!!

when i return from lunch, i hear that our co worker has called in yet again. she was out friday for a camping excursion. monday, a sore throat. tuesday, a cough complete w/doctor's excuse through wednesday. today?? she calls in because they found a lymph node growing inside a lung. not just any lung, mind you, but HER lung. she cries hysterically. they have done x-rays and are waiting on the test results. terrible and frightening news. now, before i proceed, i googled this and it can be caused by a variety of infections. namely bronchitis. (please don't google this yourself, i only very, VERY vaguely searched. just believe me and move on.) she called BACK to say she would not return to work until monday because has a doctor's excuse stating that she is TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK. for those of you who may have missed this the first time, i repeat "TOO EMOTIONAL TO COME TO WORK". the treatment?? antibiotics and four days of uninterrupted CAMPING. she's going camping because she is too upset to work. now, i am going to say this only because every story in the entire world is somehow related to me, but i've had TWO biopsies in the past year because i thought #1) i may have breast cancer and #2) i may have cervical cancer. i cried my eyes out. alot. terrified. BUT my terror, no matter how hard i try, refuses to pay my bills for me. i've asked, but he keeps on sayin' no. can you do that?? can you call in emotional and TELL your boss you're going camping for the next four days?? we were all too flabbergasted to allow work to continue that day.

i'm sleepy and have run out of words. just you thank your lucky stars and back away peacefully. perhaps tomorrow you can hear of my brand new thousand dollar engine displaying the bright, beautiful, and ever whimsical "check engine light".

oooh, fingers crossed!!

and i was so Angry and OH how i cried

2009-03-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

why did i have to be a wednesday's child??

and why the hell is this underlined?? that's weird. maybe it wont post this way. piece o' shite website!! being all above my intellectual means. ass hole!!

guess who came hoooome?? my ever surprised looking little hex. i was playing online earlier and i heard the most God awful yowling coming from outside and since i've recently gotten a complaint notice about my cats roamin the neighborhood, i knew it couldn't have been one of mine. wrong!! i guess i really did jump the grief gun too early. poor hex. i didn't have enough faith in her to make it five whole days on her own. i feel like i should be ashamed, but you'd be amazed the amount of shit this cat gets her clumsy little ass into. hell, the first day i left her home by herself she fell in the half a centemeter crack behind the refrigerator. praise jesus for fridge wheels, too. otherwise, she'd still be back there, only stinkier. hmm. so, i guess by now she's figured out that she's a clumsy ass and has learned to be resourceful in perilous situations. whatever the case, i'm happy she's home.

we'll build a freezer for the polar bears; we'll build a freezer for the penguins!!

2009-03-25T15:42:00.001-07:00

we went to a very blurry amanda palmer concert(or it would seem) this past weekend in houston at the house of blues. IT. WAS. AWESOME. the room we were in was TINY. it almost seemed like a private showing. well, had it not been for the other two hundred people there. the last concert i went to of hers while she was still with the dresden dolls was flipping huge. very impersonal. not that concerts are really meant to be personal, but you could yell out and she would actually speak back to you and have mini conversations from stage. such as: "AMANDA!" "YEAH?" "WHAT'S YOUR TWITTER NAME??" "TWITTER/AMANDAPALMER." "AH!! THAT MAKES SENSE." or "AMANDA!!" "YEAH??" "FUCK ME, PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!" "ooooh. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO JUST SHUT UP FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW. YOU'RE BOTHERING PEOPLE. PLEASE DON'T TALK ANYMORE." for which the crowd cheered. because in amanda's defense, this guy/girl/fan/person was being pretty fucking bothersome.

she actually played the entire show standing up. because the room was so small, it also had a very small stage. and when she sat, we short folks could not see. how sweet is that?? she broke her back playing her heart out for however long just for ME!! 'course i stood in one spot suffering from oxygen depravation of the brain due to my alcohol induced state and lost feeling in the lower part of my legs and began to imaginarily bleed from my back just for her. but i love her and that's the sort of thing you do for people you love. or people you just really, really wanna stalk, which IS a form of love. it's the overachiever's form of love. and you remember that.

before we were allowed to get a glimpse at miss palmer. we were graced by the presence of vermillion lies. a sister group who does i'd say "playful ragtime"?? i'm sure they have a genre, but i'm uncertain on it. i was very skeptical at first. as i always am of new people encroaching on my safe territory. but i was blown away. very, very impressed. they got me with long red hair. zoey is in the picture above and was my personal favorite. got to meet her at the merchandise stand afte the show. i walked up to her and said basically i thought her voice was beautiful and it reminded me of an old 1920's black ragtime singer and i didnt wanna be one of those annoying fan people so that was it. she just stood and stared at me for a minute. eyeball to eyeball as if waiting for more. maybe she didn't hear me. it was a very long awkward wait for me.

this blurry young lady is her sister kim. the squibbly thing you see "dangling" from what appears to an arm is in fact a marionette who danced through several of their songs. he was vurry, vurry cute. i did not meet her, BUT did see her standing alone on the other side of the bar after the show. figured Somebody woulda been talking to her. nope. this sighting lasted for a grand total of like 15 seconds because i was on my way back from the bathroom to go hang out in the smokers lounge with the amazing yendor so the crowd could pass and we could sift the merchandise table in peace. we wound up getting a vermillion lies t shirt, an amanda palmer cd for a friend, and the collection of vermillion lies cds.

the whole night was awesome. purely and simply wonderful. couldn't have asked for a better birthday present.

thank you. : )

gotta get gone, gotta get gone, gotta get gahown

2009-03-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

alas, it seems as though my little hexadecimal is no more. she got out sunday night when i got home from houston and she hasn't been seen since. i feel like 3 days may be jumping the grief gun a little bit, but she's not used to being outside for long periods of time. the last time she got out, she wound up being chased up a tree and stuck there for two days. i've checked with vets offices and the local animal control and filled out missing pet reports. i dont know what else to do. i have a really bad feeling about this one.

wow

2009-03-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

i was unable to pass this up. feel free to watch this with no volume because it's in spanish. unless of course you speak spanish, which then by all means, listen away. click on zee wow.

READ MY STORY BOOK INSIDE, BITCH!!!

2009-03-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

for years now, and i mean quite literally Years, i've asked my mother for a certain chocolate easter bunny that she used to buy me when i was very small. every year i got the same thing. the same recycled brown OR white wicker basket from 1974 containing easter grass that my mother Dearly hates, but sacrificed once a year to allow me to have, assorted candies, possibly some cool tiny toy, AND a peter rabbit with a story book inside. a couple years ago..................um like 16-20..................my mom stopped with the peter rabbit because she said she couldn't find it anymore. so, she tried a few alternatives disappointing me every time. hooo. LOVE kids who are ungrateful about getting candy, don't you?? anyway. thats not the point. i mean, i didn't like scream and bitch or anything, i just specifically requested one certain candy and it wasn't out there for her to find. not her fault. that's understandable, i guess. right??

i remember when i was little i would ever so delicately take him out of the box, bite off his eyes then, very quickly as not to cause too much pain, bite through the front of his skull so he didn't feel me eating the rest of his body. come to think of it, i actually Still do this with any animal shaped food product. i remember several years ago i ate an animal cracker from the back half just to see what it would be like. i was literally almost in tears from guilt. don't judge me for being tenderhearted. i could have ocd about pulling legs off of every bug i see. see there?? i thought of so many horrible things, but couldn't even put them into words for fear someone may read it and develope the compulsion. THEY would've made for a better paragraph, but this one will just have to do.

moving on.

so, every year still around easter i go from aisle to aisle of various stores looking for this one candy, which i've never found. every year crushed a little at the thought of never getting to relive that childhood excitement.

i went to dollar general the other day to "grocery shop" and thats what we're gonna call it. and lo' and behold, guess who had my peter rabbit. the big DG. i just stopped mid aisle and stared. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was so excited for a moment, but i knew surely i was mistaken. this has happened MANY times before. i haven't looked for this thing so vigorously for 10 years and then just happen upon it randomly at some store. that's not possible, is it?? i snatched one up so quickly God had to blink twice and just notice the open spot on the shelf and assume i'd taken the bunny. i tucked it under my arm like some jeweled.......eh.........like some jeweled thing that's been covered in jewels and i ran. i ran so far away. yes, i ran. i ran all night and day. or at least 4 aisles over to the cat food aisle. i stood there by myself, where it was safe, and unhinged the poor bunny from the deep crevaces of my arm pit. i looked it over top to bottom to make sure i was making the correct purchase. sure enough. it's peter rabbit. complete with little book and the picture of the boy legally hoeing in the background. i walked up to the register with pride hoping everyone saw and envied my purchase. "i am buying peter rabbit, you know??" no one seemed to care. unfeeling bastards.

but regardless, here i sit with pete and i've never been happier.

what's the use of a heart if there's no one for it to beat for??

2009-03-19T20:54:00.001-07:00

after looking up ALOT of stuff on breasts tonight for reasons we'll label "none of your business", those saline implants look pretty damned convincing. seriously. if only i had 7000 dollars laying around. i like to pretend to be one of those people who accepts yourself for who you are and what you have. and i am...........some days. today is not one of those days. i have a lump in my breast. we all know this, right??? we are all faithful readers and have followed this story from the beginning, yes?? and by follow this story, i mean "read that one post", yes?? good. i have what is called a fibroadenoma. its a har...............READ IT YOURSELF!! i'm getting off track. i guess i spoiled the none of your business speil there. :: sigh :: now i guess you know why i was a lookin' at tha boobs. anyway. today is not one of those days. today is one of those days that everybody called in sick to work and you come home to google boobs and somehow get lost on a breast augmentation site showing girls that look exactly like you, only topless instead of bottomless. and you realise. wow. you could look like that. YOU. president of the itty bitty titty committee could look like a normal human being. because, of course, if you turn just right in your bathroom mirror you do resemble a normal person, but you just brush it off as all girls look like a slightly chubby little boys when they take their clothes off. ALL GIRLS. oh, but no. they don't. believe me. goog.....wait....on second thought.......just try remember the Last girl you were with. see?? told you. fat ten year old boy?? yeah. i didn't think so. they used to not be that bad. because i Used to weight 120 lbs for like ever. so, they just looked like i lost them because my body was eating them away trying to find any source of sustinance it could to survive. but now. psh. now, it looks like my body's eating them away because there's not a snickers bar within an arms reach of me and it began to go insane with hunger and rage!! then i realize there are people out there like this. people god is angry at enough to give even smaller breasts than mine. NOT MUCH, mind you, but i'm practically Boobs McGee compared to this lady.

baaaah. who am i kiddin?? i'll wake up tomorrow morning on my stomach comfortable as any man. walk around for a while with my breasts bumping my chin and realise, it will take fucking FOREVER before i have the ability to play hacky sack with those things.... i dont have to complain about them when i run. my shirts are NEVER too short in the front. i do not sweat under my breasts. and finally..................well. suffice it to say I like them.

*yarn*

haha, this writing's tiny. ahem:

*yawn* good night.................

no...........it probably magic

2009-03-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

ME MAKE FIRE!!!

the only true story that i have to tell today is one that will not be complete until i get those damned pictures!! : ) so, instead. a little dip inside my old poetry notebook. my Very old poetry notebook. to any of you who may have already read this: deal. and as always, no correct capitalization for you!!

ahem. here we go!!:
'Ole Blue

i was walking 'cross the farm one day
when i saw two little squirrels begin to play.
they were ripping and roaring and chasing and running
over cows who were sleeping and snakes who were sunning.
into the old storage shed they SHOT
clinking tiny nails on gramma's old pots.
they ran 'round in circles chasing their tails;
jumpin through holes in rusted out pails.
they found a bag of gramma's old yarn;
they dragged it out in the yard all the way to the barn.
they ran up and down making trails in the hay
upsetting new foals where in slumber they lay.
they chewed holes in the bottoms of the big bags of grain,
then they danced in their small little patches of rain.
they ran up great wide beams and then across rafters,
the one running in front and the one following after.
they jumped out the tip top and slid down the roof flat.
they tumbled in wild circles till they finally went SPLAT!!
then ole blue walked up to see the little bodies all broken and battered.
he looked left and right where all the blood had just splattered.
he looked round again then sat down in a hunch
and he stayed there a while till he'd finished his lunch.

not to put too fine a point on it, say i'm the only bee in your bonnet

2009-03-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

now, i can appreciate a little body hair as much as the next girl, but i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.

if i broke anything in there, it was a god damned water main

2009-03-12T16:48:00.001-07:00

i had to use that one before it got too old and lost its affect.

yeah, i said affect.

from time to time, i get blind spots in my eyes. not like black spots. it's not black, there is just no detection of light, period. like that area doesn't exist. kind of the way things look from the back of your head. as far as your visions concerned, its just not there. this is normally followed by a pretty good sized migraine. which scares me a little because it's only 7:30 and i've asked around for tylenol and no one has any. in my visual spectrum, the right side of my vision isn't there. i was looking at katie talking a while ago and her left eye started disappearing and then her jawline. it's the weirdest feeling. my point in all of this being, people keep asking me if i have my glasses. what?? yeah, the 60 percent of the middle of my vision that was slightly blurred is now a little more clear. that whole area around the outside?? still doesn't exist. is that really that complicated?? cripes. do you understand what i'm saying??

this is gonna be a long day.

monday night 3-9-09

2009-03-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

transcribed from my notebook:

it's monday night and i lay in bed. it's dark and i'm writing this by very poor candle light in a really nifty 3d notebook i bought a long time ago, but could never find a good use for. i'd light more but alas i have lost the lighter. surprise!! seriously, i had it not fifteen minutes ago and ONLY in the bathroom for my candle lit bath.

you see folks, i had my electricity turned off today. i know what you're thinking. jane's finally trying to fulfill that hippie fantasy of hers by going natural and giving up modern comforts to live by the sunlight the way God and Nature intended.

well, dear reader, as much as i would like this to be true, the reason for this is far less noble. after much calculating and recalculating, i still have only 13 dollars in the bank until friday and there's no way to get around that. none. believe me. i've tried. so, join me as i embark on this four day adventure.

of course, you will not be able to read this until next week. so, i'll try to keep it well documented for you until then.

because honestly, what else do i have to do?? one can only masturbate so many times before there are just no fantasies left to enjoy. after a while, all your characters eventually just give up and sit around and start playing poker.

so far, in the very short time i've been without lights, the turkey meat in my fridge has already begun to take on the taste of what a squirrel smells like. hopefully, this will still be salvageable to bring to work tomorrow. lord knows i'm certainly going to try, though i may get food poisoning in the process. here goes hoping!!

luckily, i learned last year when i was living in my duplex how to wash clothes in the sink and hang them to dry on the shower curtain rod. at least i'll have clean clothes to wear to work.

Ugh. i can't actually "see" what i'm writing anymore because these candles are so dim. i'm just trying to make sure none of the shadows (or scribblings if you prefer) overlap. i'm also praying this story flows. but i'm starting to get a severe headache from this so i'm gonna leave you now and see if i can go break up a poker game before i fall asleep.

good night.

i don't like grasshoppers; they're sudden

2009-03-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

speaking of not being able to master the concept of "grasp and turn" to get into the front door. i went to go pee a while ago. i unbuckled my pants, i unzipped my pants, and tugged like the wind. i couldn't get the damn things off. i forgot one important factor:

i forgot to unbutton them.

: (

dumbass.

i'm not as callous as you think; i barely breathe when you are near

2009-03-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

guess who's got the internet?? hmmmmmmmmm?? go ahead, guess!! alright, i'll tell you. 'tis i. your humble jane. tippity typing you these words from my very own bedroom. much excitement floweth forth. in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i was previously borrowing cable left behind from the previous residents. when the internet guys got here to hook up this beautiful wonder, they asked me if i had cable television. "no?? there's a bunch of wires laying on my bedroom floor, but they've been there since i've moved in. i'm not sure what they go to or do." so, after the guys left, i played on here for a while then went and sat down in my living room to watch some tv before bed. well, guess what?? no more cable. dirty ethical bastards.

did i tell you i'd been on a diet recently?? no?? good. 'cause it'd be a lie. i was bored the other night when i came home from work and proceeded to gobble down two hot dogs w/bag o'chips and a coke. shortly thereafter, i finished off a tub of lime sherbet. aaaaaaaand then even shortly after THAT, i ate two waffles drenched in butter and syrup w/a nice big glass of milk. then i passed out. i'd actually bought some lean cuisine's the last time i went shopping and they were, meh, okay, but last night was the first time i'd had a smartone. waaay, WAY better. you should try them if you haven't already.

i lost six pounds from being sick last week and i'm not sure what the hell happened 'cause i haven't been eating that much more, but my weight has plateaued back out around 148. : ( i'd kill to be under 140 again. i'd do something even worse to be back under 130 again, but i don't see that happening any time in the next 30 years....i was listening to a comedian the other day talking about how you used to could bounce a quarter off his wife's ass and now she looks like she's smuggling wet laundry in the seat of her pants. i laughed my ass off till i realized thats kinda what i remind myself up. then i shut up and sat quietly and prayed no one will ever look at my droopy ass again.

i realize at the same time, 2 years ago when i was all toned and stuff i constantly complained about being fat. so, 2-3 years from NOW, i'll be looking back wishing i could get this body back. you never realize how good you look until you no longer do. you always look better in retrospect. i'll stop my whinin'.

she's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me

2009-02-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

squares may look distant in her rear view mirror. they may, but who the hell knows?? i'll never be riding with her.

as always, once i actually sit down, i have nothing of substance to say. not that i really have stuff all that substantial when i'm say, riding in my car, or shaving.

meh.

income tax season is upon us again. hah. income tax season. makes me wanna grab my 30 ought 6 and head out to shoot me some taxes. yeehaw!! is that a big gun?? i don't know. i'm not much of a hunter. anyway, as always, she's just in the nick of time for something major in my life to fuck up. perhaps the head gasket on my car that's teeter tottering on the verge of exploding. perhaps that broken tooth with the exposed nerve will open back up and reveal itself to the world and force me to get that root canal i've been avoiding since last tax season. maybe my house will catch on fire while i'm out of town...........oh, god. MY CATS!!! one of them are bound to get run over and break a shoulder blade now that i've said that. shit................................but at least, this tax season (heh) i found out that all those months of my precious, precious nefrew living with me last year are finally going to pay off and i'm able to claim head of household, which will be bringing me back a heck of a lot more money than normal. allowing of course, for TWO major things to fuck up in my life this year. see how this works?? everything balances out.

the other day at work, mike (le managier) told us we have some folks from our home office coming tomorrow, which means YAY!! we get to dress up. dry hair and make up, the works!! it's not really that big of a deal to do it. it's not exactly hard or (for me) that time consuming, but i find it a bit degrading that just because i own ovaries and an outlet, i'm required to paint myself in the presence of my financial superiors. does the fact that i do or do not have goop on my eyelashes and colored wax smeared on my lips seriously affect the efficiency of our driving cost and general revenue?? i don't exactly come into direct contact with our customers and my phone voice is always pleasant. why is that not enough?? does our average driver hop in and out of his trailer all day thinking to himself "man, if jane'd only worn a little more rouge this morning, this wrought iron steel tubing wouldn't seem nearly as heavy." for the record, i don't even own rouge. i think it's fairly evident that i look like a burn victim a good portion of the time withOUT the help of sprinkling red dust on my cheeks.

and since we're on the subject, i'm about to go and paint myself for a boy so we can go to a body exibit at the museum. it BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!! SO DO YOU!!! just kidding, you don't really belong in a museum. silly. you belong in a library.

fortunately, i'm not fucking you 'cause you're witty

2009-01-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

and thank jeebus for that. because if THAT's what i was waiting on, my junk'd be growing cobwebs. sticky cobwebs. spidery cobwebs...BOO!!

happy new year, e'erbody. i recently discovered i haven't updated this here site since el Octubre. that'd be my bad. i've recently had my home computer tinkered with and it will, in fact, turn on now. yay. 'course now i've also lost all the cords that go to it. sooooo, once i find those, perhaps i'll get the internet hooked up.

perhaps not but here's to hoping.

for halloween this past year, stephanie and i took our first road trip together. yay for road trips. we drove down to baton rouge to see my nephew, the Victor. we dressed up as dead folks and went out drinking and wow did we drink. spent most of the following day on his mom's bathroom floor puking raisin' canes sauce. bleigh. we met up with a few of his friends, alex and tabby. alex could be vurry, vurry tasty...........................if he gained about 200 pounds. scrawny little fart. like my opinion really matters, beCause he and the tabster have decided to get married before alex turns 20. good luck to them and i'm interested to see how that turns out. hey. maybe if it doesn't, i can finally take my turn. mm hmm.

gruff.

for thanksgiving, not much happened. as a matter of fact, i dont remember it at all. moving on then, i guess.

for christmas, i lost 10 pounds and started getting some of that good ole self esteem back. i looked fucking hot naked for 4 or 5 days. then, i popped a herpilierpiles outbreak on my kisser, started eating again, since i couldn't do anything with my mouth, and proceeded to gain all of my weight back again. meh. who needs stinky ole self esteem anyway?? not me....not me.

still have the damn thing as a matter of fact.

for new years, stephanie and a couple friends of mine came over and we drank until the ball dropped. well, they drank till the ball dropped. i drank for about 20 minutes till someone threw me over their shoulder and bench pressed my oh so delicate stomach. barf. so, i basically just hung out and watched people grab boobies, trip over kitty litter boxes, and piss on things. a fun, fun new years indeed.

a baby seal walks into a club

2008-10-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

i finally had my hair dyed today. after all these months of morphing back into a semi-redhead peppered with gray. i bought the cheap stuff from the dollar store which nearly burned the flesh off my skull. i seriously think i may have a chemical burn. thankfully, i survived the ordeal and am now back to the velvet darkness that i'm sure nature originally intended for me to have.

i recently got another cat. a female tuxedo named Hex. she's beautiful. semetrical to the T. she's perfect. and there's really much more you can add to that.

this feels kind of weird. it's the first time i've been alone with the internet in a long time. no one waiting on me so they can use it. no one rushing me out of their bedroom because apparently sitting in your married sister's bedroom is breaking some sort code of ethics. no one waiting on me for anything or standing over my shoulder to censor. funny because the first time this happens in more than a year, i cant think of a thing to say.

you??

you're as cool as the other side of my pillow to me

2008-10-18T16:47:00.001-07:00

good news this week. i recently found out i do NOT have cancer. happy?? i knew you would be. i had my yearly woman ritual about a month ago and my nurse emailed me like crazy until i was finally able to get back in touch with her. as it turns out, i have abnormal cells growing on my cervix. eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww. they recommended they be allowed to take a slightly closer look. a slightly closer look entailed tiny scissors to rip off part of my cervix and a tiny landmine looking device attached to a 6 foot long stick shoved up naughty bits to poke a hole through my cervix to get cells from the INSIDE of my uterus. it was EXCRUTIATING. but, whatever the case, my biopsy came back cancer negative. WOO HOO!! the only thing that will change for me will be the fact that my "yearly" will now be my "biyearly" so they can keep track of said cells and pray they dont turn into anything worse.

you're a heart shaped box of springs and wires,

2008-09-28T14:24:00.001-07:00

you're one bad ass fucking fractile.

hope that's how you spell that. spell check doesnt work on this computer.

we hired a new lady at work about a month ago or so. nicest lady in the world until the last friday i was training with her. suddenly she came in in a bad attitude and informed me that i was idiotic and childish and apparently a bullshit starter. not that i'm denying any of these accusations, necessarily, but to my knowledge i'd never said anything bad about her at all. like nuthin'. so, for the remainder of her time there, we had a tiny war going on. well, she and every other person there. she would randomly fly off the handle and attack people. if anyone tried to mention a needed correction, there would be random screaming fits of hysteria. she would fuck things up every night. i was asked by our manager to check over her work every morning and report. and well, as of yesterday she no longer works there. i may be childish and idiotic, but at least i have a job. biotch.

tee. and. hee.

stephanie and i went to a "slumber party" last night a former co-worker's house. i wound up spending $85 dollars on things to use by myself. how sad is that?? $85 dollars. on the way home i did alot of lonely soul searching. thinking maybe having a man around might be nice after all after all that "i'd rather be single" talk. all the confidence in my self sufficiency. all the sweet, sweet love i've made to my toys without the need for anyone's help. looking around at a room full of married women who were constantly saying "ooh, eddie'll like that" "kevin should appreciate this."" eric said he wanted me to bring home something good." i've realized maybe i should begin to seek out companionship again. maybe i do need a man around to help make things easier. somebody to call in the middle of the night if i'm scared or lonely. somebody to BE there in the middle of the night if i get scared or lonely. i am 25. shouldn't i be getting started on that relationship just in case i do ever wanna have kids??

so, i made a phone call and then snapped back into reality realizing why i became single in the first place. i'm a door mat. i keep forgetting this. so, i happily bought my creams, bubble bath, and masterbation book and headed on home.

but seriously, though. on the bright side, since i spent over $50, i got to choose from a goody box and got myself a tube of penis shaped lipstick FREE! it came complete with skin wrinkles and jizz hole. pretty color, though.